Off days.

I feel alright on most days. My crying bouts have reduced to 3 times a week. I don't need so much alcohol to feel 'better' anymore. I can get by most days without thinking about depressing things. I haven't had a sleeping pill in almost 3 weeks. I'm getting there.

Instead, I play more squash to release my agression. I go to church after work as often as possible to quiet my thoughts. I spend time with selected friends who I know will make me laugh. I make plans everyday to ensure I'm not sitting in my room alone, choosing the best hymns for my funeral (haha).

But I will have off days. And I know these 'days' the moment I wake up. It just hits me like a sledgehammer and from that second, I just start to slide downhill. And no squash session, church visit or round of beers is gonna pick me up.

Sunday I had an off day. I hate it when that happens. And although I know talking about it will help, I couldn't pick up the phone to call my usual confidantes because I think they deserve a break as well. So I had a good sob-fest, washed my face, went to a party and enjoyed my beer. Small efforts can be huge triumphs on days like these.

My bed of roses.

A couple of weeks ago, you sent flowers to my office. My favourite, pink roses! And more than a dozen of them. Any woman claiming she doesn't like receiving flowers is like a dog saying he doesn't like his tummy being rubbed. So yes, it certainly pasted a smile on my face for the rest of the day. And what timing. I was having a rough, rough week and the flowers was the pick-up I needed.

Thank you for reminding me life is indeed great and I just need to stop and smell the roses sometimes. You didn't sign your name and I still have no idea who you are. I want you to know your thoughtfulness and effort did not go unappreciated. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt truly beautiful and worthy of someone's attention. You're an angel. Thank you.

On a roll.

Contrary to popular belief, 'free time' is not good for the mind, body and soul. For me, it leads to excessive consumption of alcohol, too much nicotine and, worse, over-analysing. So, I've turned to my first love: Books.

I'm currently reading five books at once - so no room for monotony and boredom here. Apart from talking things out to death with my chicas and breaking down at the most inappropriate moments (Yesterday, I couldn't untangle my phone cable and in my frustration, I started to cry. Yes, in the office. Can someone give me a hormone transplant please?), I've discovered that reading can be just as therapeutic. Note: It depends WHAT you read of course. Romance novels and stories of animals dying are not recommended.

So here's what's been taking up my time:

1. John Irving's Until I Find You - I have been reading this FOREVER and have yet to finish it. Not because it's not a good book, it's just that I keep picking up other stuff to read when I'm on the go because this book is a bit....fat to carry around. Heavy bah. Irving is one of my super duper favourite writers and his best novel in my opinion is The World According to Garp (read, read!). Anyway, this book i'm reading now revolves around an actor named Jack Burns, the bastard son of Alice a tattoo artist. Basically, he spends most of his life in search of his father - a mysterious character who is nothing but a concept to him for now. I dunno what happens yet but stay tuned!

2. Thick Face, Black Heart by Chin-Ning Chu - I've read this book again and again and now I'm adding another 'again' to that list. The book promises to teach you how to:
- fight back when you have been wronged
- Find your inner warrior and conqier your path
- Claim your natural right to dazzling wealth (wow...DAZZLING some more)
- Unchain your primitive killer instinct for a life-affirming cause
- Apply deception without sin to win the deal you want
- Dare to succeed by cultivating the courage to fail
- Transform your negative qualities to your advantage

Muahaha...With this book I will conquer the universe! Ok seriously, I love this book. Don't worry, it sounds more preachy than it really is. What I like most is how practical and applicable the advice is in everyday life. And it's so inspiring that it makes me wanna go out and buy a sword! I AM A WARRIOR!

3. Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide For Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce or Loss of a Loved One by John Gray PhD: Yes, this book has 'Boo hoo' written all over it. But right now, it helps. I can't help but wonder, can you imagine being married to John Gray? This guy seems to have all the answers about men AND women, it would be impossible to argue with him.

Wife: Honey, you didn't take out the trash like I asked you to!
John Gray: I know this makes you feel like I don't care or love you. But actually I am just operating differently as a man, as a resident of Mars. What may seem like an important act of responsibility to you, actually holds little significance in terms of how much I love you. It's just that I may express it in a different way...
Wife: *rolls eyes* Here we go again.

4. He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tucillo - What do you mean you haven't read this???? Any living, breathing, heterosexual woman MUST read this book at least once in her life. Greg and Liz wrote and were consultants for Sex and The City - need I say more? There are so many: OMG why didn't I think of that? moments in this book. One of my favourite lines in the book is: You already have one asshole. You don't need another one in your life. Poignant and straight to the point. Fantastic read.

5. It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken by (you guessed it) Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt - Greg teams up with his wife to remind you what a SUPERFOX you really are! This book became my bible during the demise of a 3-year relationship with you-know-who. Greg and Amiira stress that you are lucky to be rid of him if:
1) He cheated on you
2) He belittled you
3. He frequently blew you off
4) He owned a Kenny G CD
5) He had a girlfriend
6) He had a boyfriend

haha. How can you not love this book? Sometimes, you gotta learn to laugh at the tragedies in life in order to live again.

Read anything good lately?

Point form.

It's Monday morning and I need to jumpstart my brain. Full paragraphs seem like a lot of work so I'm gonna go point form in hope that I'll eventually be able to join coherent sentences by the end of the day:

1. My weekend was good. Saturday evening I had to play emcee to a cultural show at Le Meridien but all was good because it was followed by cranberry vodkas at the Waterfront with Yo.

2. Spent Sunday with the girls and Julian, a college friend from KL who was in town to work (who later discovered KK did not just entail Kolombong - his 'station' during his work trip to Sabah). Haha. In the evening, I traipsed 1 Borneo with Sel and managed to walk away from Charles & Keith before any real damage to my wallet was done. I did buy clothes from Nichii though. Ah well.

3. I need to change my USD currency ASAP. The US economy is going to the dogs and I'll be damned if my US dollars devalue before I can spend it deservingly!

4. Time to pack up and re-organise as I transfer to my 'new' job next week.

5. I'm not sleeping well. Again. This morning I woke up at exactly 4:18am. This has to stop.

6. I forgot to remove my church candles from the car and parked it under the sun. You do the math. Does anyone know how to remove the waxy residue from my dashboard?

7. I learned that when you have a problem, there are some friends who will hear you out time and time again and some friends have their limits. And that's okay. You just have to differentiate the two.

8. My eyes are so heavy right now, it's not funny.

9. And to you: I know it hurts right now and everyday is a challenge, but believe me when I say the pain will stop eventually and he will be just a distant memory. Your favourite mistake :)

10. Prayer is the only thing keeping me going these days. I am grateful for my faith: Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us (if only it was that easy, but trust me Lord, I'm trying).

Thick Face, Black Heart

"The grass bends easily in the wind. The great oak stands unmoved. A strong wind can uproot the oak, but no wind, however strong, can uproot the grass that bends flat before it."
-Chin-Ning Chu, Thick Face, Black Heart (so yes, be like the lalang)

I'm re-reading this again because I think I need to. If you haven't, I suggest you do.

What's love got to do with it?

My last few weeks have been profound, punctuated by eye-opening events and cruel yet kind slaps in the face. (God certainly has the strangest ways to communicate with me, I'll tell you that).

Hence today, I want to talk about that dirty four letter word: Love. Ah yes, all that world-spinning, earth-tumbling, heart-warming mumbo jumbo. It's nice kan? And me of all people, I LOVE love. I love being in love. I love being loved. The whole Love Parade - that's me in the front.

But 29 years on, I'm whistling a different tune. Sure I still smile at the thought of love and all it's glory. But over the past few months and after several events within the past two weeks, I've decided: It's not meant for me.

I have not turned my back on love - I fully believe in how great it is. Yet, my bitter pill to swallow is the fact that I am not meant for this thing called 'love'. Or romance. Or whatever colour you want to paint it. It's a pity because I've noticed I'm pretty damn good at it. I've knitted scarves, sent flowers, whispered sweet nothings and thrown surprise birthday parties just to see him smile - All in the name of love. Oh yes, I've been there. And, at the risk of tooting my own horn, I am very good at it.

But just because you can sketch a darn good portrait doesn't mean you should be an artist, right?

And that, my friends, is my deal with this whole 'love' thing. Yes, I want it. Yes, I'm good at it. Maybe I even deserve it. But I've decided that I'm not going to get it. And I'm not going to pursue it. I am resigned to the fact that I will not have that great love story to tell and nobody is going 'sweep me off my feet'.

As much as love can build and lift you up, it can also destroy and break you when taken away. I may be a romantic but I refuse to be foolhardy any longer about love. I am not taking that risk. So let's be practical about 'love'. For those 'in love', don't give your all - save a piece of yourself for your own sanity in case your picture perfect world comes tumbling down.

And yes, I plan to get married and have a family. But I will not marry for love. It's because I want to have a family. And I will marry a friend, who understands me and will give me the space I need. I will be a dutiful wife. I will do all the right things a wife and mother is expected to. I will love my husband as a wife is expected to. We'll grow old together and people will say what a wonderful marriage we had. And of course we did - Smart people marry their best friends, not their best lovers. (So yes, I'm sorting out a practical list of who would make a good candidate - I think i found him and I'll need to make an arrangement to see if he's agreeable).

But I will not let myself be 'in love' ever again.

FridayTag13

What's a good way to start your Friday morning? Do mindless questionnaires!

1. The person who tag/pass you is?
Merry Jerry

2. Your relationship with her/him is?
Fellow gidiot.

3. Your five impression of her/him?
Smart-ass giant. But for a change, someone I don't have to explain my sarcastic remark to over and over cuz he gets it (ok sometimes la, haha)

4. The most memorable thing she/he had done for you?
Tell me I'm better off without 'certain people in my life' (granted it was a drunken moment but it's nice when friends care)

5. The most memorable thing she/he had said to you?
Refer to above. (see, I can be nice)

6. If she/he becomes your lover you will...?
Need to get a much a bigger bed. Giant.

7. If she/he becomes your lover, thing she/he has to improve on will be?
Learn to appreciate blonde moments, hahaha!

8. If she/he becomes your enemy, you will...?
er, not really like him anymore?

9. If she/he becomes your enemy, the reason will be?
He ate my cat.


10. The most desired thing you want to do for her/him now is?
Beat him at squash.

11. Your overall impression of her/him is?
"Wow, what a tall gidiot!" hahah ok ok besides that, a fun guy, up for pretty much anything and an entertaining conversationalist. He may be a gidiot (takes one to know one ah...) but he's the smartest gidiot I know :D

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?
WILL feel or presently feels about you? Teruk juga ni soalan...gramatically confusing. I dunno la, I think some people can't stand me and some people are okay with me. You can't win 'em all. Their loss, haha!

13. The characters you love of yourself are?
(The characteristics you love about yourself are... ->Sorry ah, just being anal about the sentence structures). Ok let's see. I try to be as diplomatic as possible about everything even people are real a-holes to me. And i like that I'm left-handed - so what if I tulis terbalik.

14. On the contrary, the characteristics you hate about yourself are?
Soft-hearted, hard-headed, indecisive, not jantan enough (i need to learn to be more insensitive and have a 'whatever' attitude).

15. The most ideal person you want to be is?
Melissa Leong but taller. Haha.

16.For people that care and like you, say something to them :
HAPPY HOURS AT THE LOFT! and thanks for being my rakan-rakan seperjuangan. You are all so lawa mau mati.

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you.
(ok i assume they don't have to have blogs...)
-> They are :
1) Sel
2) Carol
3) Puei
4) Yolanda (yes again, but u don't have to do because you're special like that)
5) Jerry (ya la, hantam saja la...I don't know that many people ok)
6) Lester
7) Johnny Depp
8) Haw
9) Mia
10) Shan

18. Who is no.6 having relationship with?
That i know of? Macam teda.

19. Is no.9 a male or female?
Chica!

20. If number 7. and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
Bloody hell, punya sia jeles if they got together!!!!

21. What is no.2 studying about?
Crotchology.

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?
Yesterday.

23. What kind of music band does no. 8 like?
Rock! Foo Fighters and Nirvana are his favourites. Nyeh nyeh I so pandai...

24. Does no.1 have any siblings?
Yep, dua abang, satu kakak.

25. Will you woo no.3?
Nah. She's married.

26. How about number 7?
WOULD I EVER!!! (hey i din plan to put Johnny as number 7 ah...random, random)

27. Is no. 4 single?
Dunno la if she's still with Hugh Jackman.

28. What is the surname of no.5?
Kabinchong. (how can you forget a surname like that?)

29. What's the hobby of no.10?
Fine wine and good company :) did i get this right?

30. Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
Mia and Jerry? Belum jumpa lagi but I think buli lah tu.

31. Where is no.2 studying at?
Insitute of Crotchology, Kuala Lumpur.

32. Talk something casually about no.1?
She is my Papat in crime.

33. Have you tried developing feelings for no.6?
Er, ok, been there done that, haha! We dated for 3 years, enough said.

34. Where does no.9 live at?
In England. Ya ya pi jauh jauh lagi...

35. What colour does no.4 like?
Wow good question. Ala Yo, putus hubungan la if I dunno the answer kan...Ok ok, i guess ah. Blue?

36. Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
They both like puppies - how's that?

37. is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?
OMG ... punya lah ngam.

38. What is no.6 doing now?
It's 9:25 am. Probably baru sampai office or stuck in a jam (tulah, kerja di KL lagi). Or having cha sau for breakfast.

Hahahaha funny juga oh...Bah, tag yourselves. I look forward to reading the answers.

Blessings.

It's so easy for us to lose sight of the good when you are constantly focused on the bad. In perspective, 2008 has proved to be one of the most challenging years of my life (and it's still September. Bring it on, October-November-December!).

So today, I am going to count my blessings.

1. I have my health

Okay so I'm not an Olympian and my idea of exercise is moving from the couch to the fridge. But I am healthy and normal (don't start...). My limbs are fully functional and I am not in agonising pain. Every breath I take is a pure miracle. Be grateful.

2. I have the best family in the world.

My darling niece Leilana and her Oggie.

My annoying brother Johann (who I really love to bits anyway, dammit) and beautiful Lola who spoils her grandchildren rotten!

We're far from perfect. But my parents have shown us more than 40 years of what a good marriage is. My siblings and I have been through thick and thin together; we've seen the best and worse of each other. But family means never giving up on each other and I know even when the world turns against me, I have them right by my side. And over the years I've realised how fiercely protective they are of me - which is both a good and bad thing, mind you. I guess it comes with being the youngest. The eldest, Ted, has been my source of sage-like wisdom and drugs (I knew medical school would benefit us in the end). My sis, Carmen - or Wen as we call her - I feel is the strongest of us all, because of all the adversity she has gone through and I can always count on her when I need an emotional outlet or to drink myself blind (she has quite the bar at home. Bless her!). Johann has been the typical pain in the neck brother whose life mission seems to be, "How can I irritate her today?". Yes, even though he's 34 and I'm 29, we still play "The last one to touch Dad while he's fixing the car is a monkey's butt." I dunno why I layan but I just cannot resist his stupid dares. That aside, I go to him when I need to be slapped silly with sense. He's cruel in the kindest way.

Papa and Mama Leong, heh heh.

And my nieces. Ah, my nieces! My most precious darlings - Bubbly Danielle, Crazy Francine and Precocious Leilana. So sayang them. And eventhough Danielle and Francine are growing up WAY too fast, they'll always be my little girls. (And no, girls, I dunno who's cooler, Blink 182 or Good Charlotte).

3. I have the best chicas in the world.

Bad haircuts. Huge plastic-rimmed glasses. Embarassing moments around the cutest guys. Buying overpriced panties. Having one more drink, just ONE more. Giving into butter demands at 2 a.m after a drunken night out ("Mel, it's 2am, i don't think the hotel can send butter up at this hour....Ok ok I go look for butter.Stop crying."). Mothers In Law whom we will protect you from - Stand back EVIL WITCH! Sending ice cream to your office just because you're having a bad day. Reminding me that I can do so much better than that asshole of a man. We are all so lawa mau mati. Karaoke sessions that we do not speak of. Crotch sizes (Carol, that will forever be etched in my memory). Telling the same jokes and still finding it funny when no one else gets us (they are bodo, not us).

And for just making me feel fabulous on any given day. I heart you girls so very much, even when our nenens become senget and we need bifocals.

4. I have had some awesome experiences.

With the owners of Bukit Naga Amanpuri, Kuala Penyu.

In my brief existence, I've managed to meet wonderful people, seen amazing places and enjoyed mind-blowing moments. How can I not be thankful for those?

L-R: Japan 2005 for the Mt. Fuji Mountain Race, Fishing at Mengalum, Gomantong Caves,

Mel does Macau!, Meeting Ian Wright - my hero, Doing the Death March in Telupid, Marvelling Mabul, so pretty.

5. I've loved and lost and loved...

They were/are great friends, that's what matters. And one point, the love of my life. Romance can be fleeting but I can look back now and see how everyone comes into your life for a reason. The lessons you learn are invaluable. And instead of looking at the tears shed, I'd rather remember the laughter shared. It took a lot of time for me to be where I am in this department and trust me, I'm still learning and making my share of mistakes along the way. But I don't think I'll ever give up on love. Schmuck. And proud of it.

I could go on and on. My blessings are bountiful. And I praise the Lord each day. All we can do is surrender our life in His hands and trust that He has his reasons for everything we go through. Today, I count my blessings.

Yes, I got this from Facebook. The irony.

Nothing lasts forever.
So live it up.
Drink it down.
Laugh it off.
Avoid all the bullshit.
Take chances and never have regrets.
Because at one point
Everything you did
Was exactly what you wanted.

Facebook facade.

Facebook and I aren't on very good terms these days. I dunno what it is but I'm starting to feel violated. Call it a Fishbowl Syndrome or whatever you like. I feel like someone is contantly peeking into my bedroom window, wondering what I'm up to, what I'm doing, where I'm going...
Strangers going, "add me! add me!" With all due respect, if I have no idea who you are, I am not going to add you. And no, knowing a friend of a friend of a friend doesn't count. Plus, I know some people out there want to be added for the sake of prying into your profile page and rummaging through your photo albums. Shame on you.

Which is why I've 'locked' some of my albums in facebook. Please don't take offense but there are some things I've decided to keep private, even if you are my friend. Plus, brainless comments on my photos really aren't going to win you any points.

I know what you're thinking: Then why the hell am I even on Facebook? Or worse, why have a blog documenting your so-called life? Kind of a hypocrite, points your little finger. Here's this thing - in the event I want to shout to the world about my personal life, I'll do it on my own terms and not through the prying of your grimy little fingers. You know what I don't understand about some people? When you refuse to share something personal and they take offense. How ridiculous is that? Hey nosy balls, if I wanna keep it to myself, that's my business la. Geez.

Ya I hate Facebook. But I love how it keeps me in touch with certain people in my life. It's not a tool for me to make new friends. I'm having trouble keeping old ones sometimes, heh heh. So to my Facebook friends, don't mind me if I don't Superpoke you in return or I don't buy you a Happy Hour drink - I still love you guys, for real.

And now, I'm going to pack and make a little trip. I'll be back on Monday. In case these are my last words ever (look, you never know), think of me fondly and wear pink to my funeral, ok?