Wednesday, March 29, 2006

In her shoes.

One of my best friends got dumped by her boyfriend a couple of days ago. I spent some time with her last night, listening, talking and doing whatever would ultimately make her feel better (except for drinking because I have 17 days to go before Lent is over. Me. Sober.Very.) It broke my heart to see the shell of a usually upbeat and up-for-anything girl sitting before me. I say this with love: She looked like shit. And most likely because she felt like it too. She cried, she reasoned, she rationalised, she questioned, she wondered, she cried some more. And for the life of me, I wanted to say profound things. Words that would somehow snap her out of her misery or give that moment of enlightenment and make everything ok again.

But I couldn’t find the words.

Because I knew how she felt. And I knew that no words of wisdom would make sense or matter much at this point. “It hurts,” she said. I nodded. I knew that pain all too well. It feels like someone’s blending your heart and your throat is so tight, you can’t breathe. Your head is pounding and everything around you moves in a blur. Everything you believed in was a lie. Where did the years go? Is it really over? Will this sickening knot in my stomach ever go away?

I stood in her shoes seven months ago. I know exactly the symptoms of a broken heart. I know the whole 12-step program to ‘healing’ or whatever the hell they call it. I know why she needs to numb herself every night with alcohol just to get a decent night’s sleep. I know why she wants to hate him so much right now but she doesn’t. Denial. Withdrawal. Crying yourself to sleep. Stupid songs that will remind you of him. His t-shirt hanging in your closet. That photo of the two of you during ‘happier times’, with his arms so lovingly wrapped around you. I’m not gonna lie: It’s tough but I promise that it gets better. You’ll realize that he was only a fragment of your life and you did fine before you met him. You’ll do just as fine without him again.

What pisses me off is when guys waste so much time of your life before they realize, oops I don’t really want to be with you anymore. Yeah, so these things are unpredictable bla bla bla spare me the righteous bullshit. Then why do you build me up to just bring me crashing down? To my beautiful, brilliant and Superfox friend: Life is way, way too short for us to be dwelling on people who aren’t worth dwelling on. “I need to focus on my career. I don’t have time for a relationship. We’re not compatible after all. You’re not my priority.” So many excuses and we still REFUSE get it. No excuse will ever mask the plain and painful truth that you don’t want us. Just be honest. And seriously, why would you want someone who doesn’t want you? And watch out for those ‘conditional’ relationships. The ones where the guy wants to be with you but on HIS terms. He’ll see you when HE’S free. He’ll call you when HE feels like talking to you. He’ll consider settling down with you when HE’S ready. That’s great. You know what to tell men like that? Go f*** yourself since you’re so in love with ‘YOU’.

I refuse to hurt anymore. I have no one to blame but myself for believing the promise of a future with him. I will not be a fool the next time around. No more expectations. No more hopes. No more waiting for that happily ever after. For now, I will live each day as it is and take things as they come. I am my own person and I belong to no one but myself.

I promise you will feel better but not so soon. And you deserve your time to grieve the relationship. Cry it out, drink it off…whatever it takes. But a time will come when you realize no one is worth ‘mutilating’ your life away. In the meantime, we’re here for you. And yes, I’ll sing Copacabana to death if it makes you happy. Cuz I love you like that.

"Her name was Lola, she was showgirl..."
-Copacabana, Barry Manilow is da man. But i could definitely give him a run for his money.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Manila photos

Long overdue. Some shots during my recent trip to Manila:

My twin cousins, Rissa and Sasha.

Their manja cat...Being manja.

The lovable Troy. My grandma's doggy. Look at that face!

A shopping we-will go...

Magic FM, live! I was on a radio show, where my cousin Patrick temps as a DJ for the Campus Patrol Show. A shot of his colleague in action.

My cousin Reneelyn, DJ Mike and me. Dinner time!

Sisig - one the famous Filipino dishes. Minced pork. Delish! and goes great with beer,heh.

Rice, chicken kebabs, roasted pork, pancit (noodles), beer and mango salad for four people. I paid only RM60, how about that?

My dad packing. Me annoying him by being in the way.

If there is one thing you MUST try in Manila, it's these Cinnabon thingies. Hot out of the oven. Divine...i couldn't stop eating them!

KK islands from the sky. Almost home!

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

To Tabin...and beyond!

Tabin Wildlife Reserve in Lahad Datu was my sanctuary for the weekend and I've lived to tell the tale after all. Heh. I'm no Indiana Jones but for a laid-back semi-city girl like myself, I had quite an adventure. My colleagues and I set off on Friday morning to Tabin. I was there to write a story on the place and also to assist in the annual Tabin Wildlife Conservation Conquest. It's a 12-km race where runners find themselves battling rainforest terrain, leeches, mud and each other to be crowned champion at the finishing line.

Runner down. This guy not only had muscle cramps in BOTH legs, but both arms too. And check out his leech bites. Yikes.

Prior to the run is the Mud Race; a more light-hearted competition for both the young and old. Participants run/walk/skip to the Mud Volcano (some half hour/45 minutes from the starting point), roll around in mud and return to the starting point. The most creative mud-covered participant is crowned Mud King/Queen/Kid/Warrior. It's pretty hilarious and some people came up with really creative concepts!
Looks fun, no? Must try this next time.

The journey to Tabin from Lahad Datu airport is about one hour and let me warn you, the road is B-U-M-P-Y. Forget getting shut eye. It was so bumpy that at one point i bumped my head against the van's window and cracked my sunglasses. Yep, i'm not even there yet and my adventures have already begun. Sigh sigh. Anyway, after lunch we begin our first trekking expedition. We're doing a recce of the race course (not all 12km thank God) and decided to cover on 2 and a half km. So we trek. And trek. And trek. And i tell you...It doesn't seem to end. Now, I'm not bothered by the humidity. Nor the ridiculous terrain - we're talking rocks, mud, tree roots...And people are gonna RUN here?. The whole time I've only got one concern: LEECHES.


Those overly-intimate, super friendly, always hungry critters. I mean, I have my leech socks on but I wish I had some spaceman suit on instead. It was so difficult to enjoy the surroundings when you're busy looking for signs of blood-sucking creatures lurking. When my colleague finally spotted two - TWO - buggers sneaking up my leech socks (how appropriate), I screamed. Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit. I screamed like a girl (ok so it helps that i'm actually one). I screamed and i yelped and I swear i did a little Red Indian dance. After my colleagues had their fun seeing me in my element, they finally helped me remove them. At this point, we still had 45 minutes of trekking to go. Great. As we came to a clearing and saw light (most of the time we were under green canopies, which is nice but also leech-infested), I was so happy. I figured, "This isn't so bad. Worst thing that could happen now is rain."

Me and my big dumb thoughts.

"Please don't rain, please don't rain..."

Yep, so we trekked in the pouring rain and entered more foliage. Which means...Yes ladies and gents, more leeches. Hurrah. Why don't you just drop a big branch on me and get this slow death over with? We return to the resort (well, that's what they call it anyway), drenched, muddied and exhausted. We head for lunch. As i slip my shoes back on after lunch, i feel a soft, squishy, icky, oh-my-god-please-say-its-not-what-i-think-it-is sensation in my Nikes. Enter scream. Enter colleague calmly removing critter from shoe. Enter me walking back barefoot to my cabin.

Me and the boys at the cabin, preparing for the waterfall hike. See that smile on my face? That's because I'm still leech-free at this point.

Next day, more trekking. This time to the Lipad Waterfalls.

With miles to go before I sleep...

I was promised less leeches this time. But no one expected the knee-deep mud awaiting us. Let's just say my so-called new Nikes are officially seasoned.

We trek and trek and trek. We hear gibbons in the distance and I even saw an Orang Utans' nest for the time. We go through another green foliage area aka The New York City of Leeches, and I feel panic setting in again. This time, I actually catch the nasty critters in full glory on the leaves and grass as we pass by. I can almost hear them:

Sgt. Leech: Attention men! We have dinner approaching! Set targets!
Private Sucker: Affirmative. Target spotted.
Sgt. Leech: Leeches...Up! (all rise)
Private sucker: Suckers engaged and ready to roll...

This better be one hell of a waterfall we're going to. We finally reach our destination and I have to admit...It's mighty purdy. I search my legs and arms...All clear. Leech free!!! I dunno why but i suddenly felt the urge to touch my chest (not in a pervy way, mind you). And i thought for a second,"Hey, i have a third nipple." Wait a minute. And then i think,"Please God, let it be a third nipple."

God was having an off day I suppose. I looked into my shirt and saw Sgt. Leech engaging himself smack dab in my cleavage (of all places). He looked real comfortable there too, the bastard. So you know the rest: Me screaming, trying to remove him, me screaming some more. Sigh. I finally managed to remove it without having to touch it. Now the problem was removing it from the insides of my shirt where I had it nicely 'trapped'.

Me: HAW!!!!! put that camera down and help me here!
Haw: Where is it?
Me: In my shirt...Take it away, take it away!
Haw: want me to go in there and remove it?
Me: No la, I got it oredi but it's still in my shirt. Stick your hand out and i'll drop it.
Haw: ok (sticks hand beneath my shirt)
Me: (shake shake shake shake) ok got it?
Haw: Yeah...Wah...That's a pretty big one. Wait.
Me: What?
Haw: Don't move...turn around (removes leeches nicely climbing up my waist pouch)
Me: (screaming for my mom). Lipad Waterfall. Ok, at least it was worth the walk.
Add Image Post-leech trauma. Yep, there's always time for a Kodak moment.

Almost back to base. Washing off the mud at a neaby river.

Me doing an impression of a racoon. Don't you just love my dark circles?

Haw a.k.a Leech Remover Extraordinaire and me. All good. Till the next trip, Melissa signing off...

Watch this space: Next trip, Mataking Island!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Ever feel.

Ever feel...

like you've entered a dark room
and can't find the switch
and you're groping
and hoping
you'll find something to hold on to?

like someone has reached into your body
and clawed your innards out
leaving you empty
and hollow
with nothing to feel or follow?

like the world is your TV
and you keep changing channels
looking for something worth watching
drama, comedy,romance, crime
anything to pass the time.

like people never mean what they say anymore?
with their promises and vows
and candy-coated sweet nothings
sorry-laden conversations
no more feeling, just going through the motions.

like someone removed the brakes
and everything is out of control
everything, too fast, too fast
too slow, stop, wait, go
left or right, you no longer know.

like one minute you want to believe
and you dare to dream
the good things, the best things
that all of it may come true...
and then realise, not for you.

Never for you.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lazy ass.

I must get off my lazy ass. If they were giving out Olympic medals for procrastination, I would win the Gold hands down. No contest. I could do it with my eyes closed (in fact, most of the time that's exactly how I do it). I thank God for tomorrows. I never seem (seem being the operative word here) to run out of them. And when I finally do, I kick myself for procrastinating. Vicious cycle. Do I ever learn? Of course not. If i did, I wouldn't be writing this entry bitching about myself.

Here are the things I'm so good at putting a hold on:

1. My car - I love my baby, really I do. I love that she gets me from point A to point B with much fuss. I love her despite her scratches and bumps. However, I have to admit I take her for granted. As long as she's clean on the outside, I never really give her 'insides' much thought. My car has been making funny noises since July last year. Yes, people, July LAST YEAR. And eventhough I know its due for service, I keep saying, "It's still running fine. Tomorrow, tomorrow..." Fast forward to March 2006. That squeaking noise is no longer getting to me because, hey, it sounds like part of the car by now. In fact, I even turn down the radio volume some mornings just to see if the sound is still there. And then my brakes go funny, i get more squeaky noises and my car starts to veer to the right for no reason. Gee, you think it's time for a service? I end up forking RM300 to service my car and replace the shock absorbers. Tulah, dats why.

I kinda miss the squeaky sounds.

2. The magazine - I'm in charge of a tourism magazine. I make sure the stories and pretty pictures are there every month. I make sure the information is updated and the advertisements are correct. That's what I get paid to do. I live, eat and breathe the monthly Sabah Magazine. According to my production schedule, everything should be ready by the 15th of each month. SHOULD be. Again, I count on good ol' tomorrow. You know what really happens every month? I find myself pulling long hours writing and trust me, it's difficult to make a piece sound 'exciting' when all you is for the damn magazine to go to print pronto. Sometimes I feel my writing is affected and that sucks. And when that happens, I tell myself, "Next month, I'll do it sooner." Riiiiight.

3. Dental check-ups - When I have teeth growing out of my eyes and gums the colour of seaweed, I'll make that trip.

4. My Grand Plan - I'm trying to get out of KK. For a while. Maybe a year. I've got it all planned out. It's the execution that's not happening. Why? Because (all together now) there's still tomorrow. I have everything I need sitting on my table. Boring forms waiting to be filled. Phonecalls to make. Interviews to attend. E-mails to reply. Watch this space.

Today. Today I will start making things happen. Be it one baby step at a time. I have to leave. I am losing my heart in so many things here and before I begin to resent everything around me, I must leave. Perhaps the only way I can begin appreciating what I have is to leave them for a while. I don't expect the grass to be greener on the other side. But I do long for a change of scenery.

Oh crap...I just realised my car insurance and road tax expire today. Ok la, I'll get them renewed.


Thursday, March 02, 2006

F*** this shit.

I wish I didn’t give a shit about so many things in my life. Indifference would make so much difference. I’m so sick of my yo-yo emotions. How one day I get nostalgic about better days and some days I say F*** it all. One minute I wish things were the way they were and the next I’m embracing the possibilities of things to come. Some days I love my job and other days I want to blow up my office.

I know it sounds like a regularity for many people but seriously, I hate this shit. I feel emotionally worn out. Day in, day out I gossip and listen to gossip and eventually get gossiped about. By people I don’t really give a rat’s ass about and yet it annoys me. Why? These people are so insignificant in my life that if they disappeared into a dark hole tomorrow I would be none the wiser. But it still bugs me out of my mind. Ok we all gossip. We know it’s bad. But we gossip. We dislike people (and vice versa) for the stupidest things: the way they dress, the way they talk, the way they breathe. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know. Ignorance is bliss. I’ve already got enough people on my hate list and to see it grow unnecessarily is just an added boulder on my shoulder. I don’t want to hate anyone. Or anything. It’s tiring.

But I don’t want to love neither. Because it’s pointless. However, to contradict myself, I don’t want to have meaningless relationships because it leaves me feeling hollow. I cannot afford to emotionally invest in anyone right now. I’ve been robbed once and it’s an experience I’m not in a rush to go through again, thankyouverymuch. And now, they come with promises of ‘you mean the world to me’ and all that jazz. Until you change your mind. Until you grow bored of me. Until you get tired of characteristics you once deemed ‘cute’. Until it’s time for you to leave. Until you meet that chick with bigger tits. Until you decide your career is more important. Until you decide we’re not compatible. Until you decide the timing’s all wrong. I could go on.

I’m so bugged. I’m not angry. Just bugged. And annoyed. With the whole notion of finding happiness. With people who have nothing better to do than put me down at every chance they get. With hearing stories of ‘she/he said blablabla about you’. With not having enough money to pack up and leave this God-forsaken place. With not being able to please everyone. With making mistake after mistake after mistake. With having expectations only to have them crushed.

Why do i bother?

I’m going home. I’ll feel better tomorrow.

Today's happy emotion was brought to you by the letter F and number 2. Tune in for upcoming episodes featuring the letters U,C and K.


Ok, hit me:

Mel's Johari Window

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Betcha missed these...

You are Maryiln Monroe
A classic tortured beauty.You're the dream girl of many men.Yet they never seem to treat you right

Tortured, true. I dunno bout the beauty part, haha.

Not a Jealous Bone in Your Body
You're secure, trusting, and giving with friends and lovers. And while you may have been hurt before, you've bounced back.You're generally happy with your life - and no one's grass is greener than yours. One word of caution: some may see your lack of jealousy as indifference!

See? These quizzes can get it SO wrong sometimes...

Your Gemstone is Aquamarine
Intuitive, tranquil, and trusting.You inspire others to have faith in themselves.


You Are Most Like Heidi Klum
Girl next door vibe with top model looks

We all can dream sometimes. sigh.

5 things

Ok peeps. Five is the number of the day...

Tagged by Sel

5 Things You Can’t Do
* whistle
* touch my toes
* cartwheels
* fly a plane
* breathe underwater5

Things You Can Do
* make a cat face
* make other stupid faces
* wake up at ungodly hours
* be sarcastic
* wear lots of pink

5 Things That Scare You
* losing ppl I love
* pontianak
* drowning

5 Things You Love
* Happy & Sabrina, my cats
* having a good laugh till my sides ache
* retail therapy
* loving someone and being loved *fuzzy*
* my friends *group hug, group hug*

5 Things You Hate
* bad breath
* being sick
* being sad