Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Reel World.

I've been on a movie spree. Because I need to escape the reality of my day to day existence. The fact is, I cannot stand going to work everyday. I dread the thought of opening my eyes to see another day, to serve, to fulfill, to care. On the outside, I crack the same jokes, make witty remarks and give as intelligent an answer where required. And I know I'm doing a fantastic job because people have been telling me how 'happy' I look again. It's easier to feign happiness than having to explain to people that the truth is I just want to crawl into a hole.

And it's not because I hate my job. I'm not in love with it neither but let's not get into that. I just feel an intense desire to break from the monotony of it all.


The reality is I have bills to pay. Deadlines to meet. Bosses to answer to.

I digress. As I said, I've been on a movie spree. Alcohol doesn't do it for me anymore and it's tough on the wallet. DVDs on the other hand bring me to another plane of reality. Or fantasy. Depends how you want to look at it. So for at least 2 hours in my day - 120 minutes of my pathetic life - I disconnect myself from everyone, everything. Here's what's been distracting me:

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
PS I Love You
Mamma Mia! (I've got it on 'Repeat d isc')
Tropic Thunder
Righteous Kill
Phat Girls
Mission: Impossible III (yes, again. Seriously)

A couple of them are still on my 'To Watch' list. It doesn't matter if it's a sappy drama because it's nice to cry buckets over someone else's tragedy. And it's great to laugh out loud at some ridiculous slapstick moment which only Ben Stiller and Robert Downey Jr. as a black man can pull off. With Quarantine, it's the first time in a LONG time I could feel my heart palpitate and get heady over an adrenaline rush. And yes, how I wish I could break into song like Meryl Streep while reminiscing over a lost love.

I love watching movies. I wish I had more time in a day to do it. I wish I didn't feel sleepy by 9:00pm but I do because -the irony of irony- going through the motions during the day mentally, emotionally and physically drains me and all I want to do when my car pulls up the driveway is collapse on my bed.

And I want to get something off my chest: It irritates the shit out of me that when someone asks me, "What's wrong? Wanna talk about it?" and then I proceed to do so, that someone pooh-pooh's my problems and says, "That's such a small thing compared to what I've been through!" Enter pile of bullshit followed by, "Life gets better. You just need a man and some babies and you'll be fine."

*finger gesture*

Rant over. And so I'll keep watching movies. Because happy endings are so elusive in the real world. Plus, it's cheaper than shoe-shopping, safer than pill-popping and healthier than bar-hopping, no?

Monday, November 24, 2008

Abba bug.

I've been listening to Abba over the weekend and I'm going to watch Mamma Mia! again. I've never been a huge Abba fan but something just clicked and I can't get the tunes out of my head! My favourite has to be 'Winner Takes It All'. Maybe because the lyrics have a personal meaning for me. A fantastic song all the same.

I don't wanna talk
About the things weve gone through
Though its hurting me
Now its history

Ive played all my cards
And thats what youve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
Thats her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence

Building me a home
Thinking Id be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Its simple and its plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low

The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand

I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see

The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Move over, Manolo.

I cannot tell you how many high heel horror stories I've heard (and experienced). So imagine how my world spun when I found this in my e-mail:

Snazzy? Not only but they are in fact rubber-soled, anti-slip and flatteringly flexible. Scandinavian company, SWIMS, invented these feet orgasms known as City Slipper heels for the practical yet stylish woman. SWIMS is actually known for making galoshes - yep big rubber boots to play in the rain with - but lo and behold, someone with exquisite taste and understands the heely dilemma came up with the City Slipper (chances are it was a woman, no?).

And on top of being super comfy, super safe and oh so pretty, the rubber soles features road maps of Paris, New York and Tokyo! Now you can be three inches taller in fabulous shoes AND find your way in some of the most fabulous cities in the world. Pure genius.

I'm a size five. Christmas is around the corner.You know what to do.

Friday, November 14, 2008

From Yo and Jer

What you should do:
1) Take a recent picture of yourself or take a picture of yourself right now.
2) Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair...just take a picture.
3) Post that picture with NO editing.

4) Post these instructions with your picture.

There you have it. No photoshop. No fixing my hair. No touching up my make-up. Me in all my glory, basking in the shittiness of my life right now. Oh joy.

I won't tag anyone. Have a good weekend.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

I was thisclose to seeing a male friend in a dress.

fridaycat13: can u be my maid of honour if i ever kahwin?

basket case: if you can get me a fitting dress hahahahha

fridaycat13: DEAL!

fridaycat13: wait, i cut and paste this first so i have evidence.

basket case: but make sure it's silver blue and everyone has to wear the same color hahaha

fridaycat13: oh don't u worry about that my friend

fridaycat13: for you, anything.

fridaycat13: JEREMY IN A DRESS. whatever colour u want pun buli

basket case: hahahahahaha...and the offer is only until december next year (1 year validity period) hahahahaha

fridaycat13: WHAT????

basket case: still have time to go around and be desperate hahahahaha

fridaycat13: I hate you.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Life on hold.

My life has been on hold. Somewhere along the lines, someone pressed the pause button. I keep waiting for some epiphany, some mind-blowing lightbulb moment where I can go, THIS is what my life is supposed to be about. And now, after almost 30 years of existence, I realise what I've been putting my life on hold for.

I am that little girl - the one who loved the story of the knight in shining armour and revelled in the stories of happy ever after. I would pretend to put a towel on my head and put on my mum's high heels, imagining how wonderful it would be to be that princess bride. And I loved playing house. I always knew in my heart I would have it all - that breathtaking romance, the fantasy wedding, the happy ever after of me and my hero riding off into the sunset.

I am still that girl. Still wanting that passionate fairy tale of a life. Still believing that he's out there. But in my quest for that, I have paid a price by putting my life on hold. For me, emotional investments are by far the most rewarding. I have always prioritised relationships. Because I am one of those who believes if I have my love-life in order, everything else falls into place. And it has been true. I cannot complain about my career for sure - in that department I have been blessed. But even my career has suffered thanks to my relentless search for 'true love' or whatever you call it these days.

THIS is my epiphany. I am tired of this quest. Of putting my life on hold for 'him'. Time and time again, it has proved futile and while he goes on with his life, I have just wasted another precious portion of possibilities. I am an intelligent, talented and highly capable individual - only held back by my desire to find that 'someone', to have a family and settle into the domesticity of life. What a shame. I have given up opportunities to work abroad and keep putting off the dream of travelling and pursuing my studies. I wasted three years of my mid-twenties with a man who promised a future with me and after picking out potential schools for our unborn children and going on the hunt for possible homes, one day he wakes up and tells me, "I don't see a future with you." And then I embark on another relationship with a man who goes off to pursue HIS studies and adds another year to work on HIS career away from home. "It's just two years," he tells me. While I dutifully nod and wait for him to come back, like a soldier's wife baking pies in some 1950s kitchen, waiting for her beloved to stroll back home.

So yes it's just two years. But it's two years of MY life. It's not about someone being 'worth the wait'. It's about how my life cannot be based on 'waiting'. Five years of my life - in relationships that require me to wait. Five years? I could have finished my Masters degree, worked in a broadcasting company as I've always dreamed, taken up that job in Switzerland (yes I turned it down because I couldn't bear the idea of being away from 'him') and spent summers in Ireland.

But here I am. Bitter and waiting in KK. Still writing for a magazine, griping about my pay, grumbling about the typical Malaysian government-service mentality and worst of all, watching other people live their lives the way they want to - while my life is on hold.

My life is on hold. And I'm expected to keep it on hold because as I turn 30, supposedly it's time to think of 'settling down' with the right man. I don't need the right man. I need to 'unpause' my life and do the things I've always wanted to do. I will not live for the 'Hims' in my life anymore.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Stephanie Klein made me cry.

Because she says things I already know but need to hear. Because her timing is flawless. Because her words are the kindest cruellest things that hit home - hard. Because she is a complete stranger yet the only person who seems to understand what you're going through right now. Because she is the kind of writer I aspire to be. But most of all, because she is ultimately right:

Just because one person doesn't think you're right for them doesn't mean you need to change. It doesn't mean you're broken or damaged. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough or that you're some failure. It's ONE PERSON. I know you thought he was "the person." But he's not. He's a person. And so are you... your own person. You need to take care of her now. No one died and made him God. Your desperate, "I'll change all those things you wanted me to" attempts need to stop. You want to change something, then change your perspective. Figure out what led you here, and learn from it. Yes, you have shit to work on. We all have things to work on, and with the next person there will still be things to work on, sometimes the same things, sometimes all new anxieties or issues bubble to the top. It's never going to be perfect, but it's not supposed to leave you feeling like shit more than you're feeling like "the shit."
From 'Advice is What You Want When You Already Know The Answer', by Stephanie Klein, October 27, 2008.

Read the rest of this entry here.