Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What's love got to do with it?

My last few weeks have been profound, punctuated by eye-opening events and cruel yet kind slaps in the face. (God certainly has the strangest ways to communicate with me, I'll tell you that).

Hence today, I want to talk about that dirty four letter word: Love. Ah yes, all that world-spinning, earth-tumbling, heart-warming mumbo jumbo. It's nice kan? And me of all people, I LOVE love. I love being in love. I love being loved. The whole Love Parade - that's me in the front.

But 29 years on, I'm whistling a different tune. Sure I still smile at the thought of love and all it's glory. But over the past few months and after several events within the past two weeks, I've decided: It's not meant for me.

I have not turned my back on love - I fully believe in how great it is. Yet, my bitter pill to swallow is the fact that I am not meant for this thing called 'love'. Or romance. Or whatever colour you want to paint it. It's a pity because I've noticed I'm pretty damn good at it. I've knitted scarves, sent flowers, whispered sweet nothings and thrown surprise birthday parties just to see him smile - All in the name of love. Oh yes, I've been there. And, at the risk of tooting my own horn, I am very good at it.

But just because you can sketch a darn good portrait doesn't mean you should be an artist, right?

And that, my friends, is my deal with this whole 'love' thing. Yes, I want it. Yes, I'm good at it. Maybe I even deserve it. But I've decided that I'm not going to get it. And I'm not going to pursue it. I am resigned to the fact that I will not have that great love story to tell and nobody is going 'sweep me off my feet'.

As much as love can build and lift you up, it can also destroy and break you when taken away. I may be a romantic but I refuse to be foolhardy any longer about love. I am not taking that risk. So let's be practical about 'love'. For those 'in love', don't give your all - save a piece of yourself for your own sanity in case your picture perfect world comes tumbling down.

And yes, I plan to get married and have a family. But I will not marry for love. It's because I want to have a family. And I will marry a friend, who understands me and will give me the space I need. I will be a dutiful wife. I will do all the right things a wife and mother is expected to. I will love my husband as a wife is expected to. We'll grow old together and people will say what a wonderful marriage we had. And of course we did - Smart people marry their best friends, not their best lovers. (So yes, I'm sorting out a practical list of who would make a good candidate - I think i found him and I'll need to make an arrangement to see if he's agreeable).

But I will not let myself be 'in love' ever again.

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