Monday, October 17, 2005

Women Are Crazy and Men Are A**holes

(Caution: Following material may prove to be offensive to both genders. The views presented are solely those of the author’s. Reader discretion advised.)

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this just might be the title of my first book. Forget all that Venus and Mars nonsense. Time to get down and dirty with the facts. Plus, you might be interested to know that the blog subject of the day was inspired by a male acquaintance.

“Women are crazy. Simple as that,” said my Muse. I was defensive at first but still curious to see what he meant. The mood swings, the emotions, the suspicions, the ‘over-thinking’…Where does one begin? My temper was flaring and then I caught myself. We’re only crazy in the eyes of a man. And could you blame them? Would you expect them to understand what PMS does to your hormones? Or why we need 50 pairs of shoes – kept in almost-pristine condition in their colour coded boxes? They probably think we ask them to put the toilet seat down for conversation’s sake. And yes, sometimes when you men glance at other women, we think you’re cheating on us and you don’t love us and all you think about is sex.

And then we realize we’re just PMS-ing so we go out and buy a pair of shoes to make ourselves feel better and our men think we’ve gone crazy. It’s a vicious cycle, really.

So yes, maybe we’re crazy. But that’s also because men are so logical to the point of boring that they can’t see past crazy. Anything with more than two emotions (horny and hungry) is too much for them to handle. “You women…You think too much,” said my Muse. “We men…We’re straight to the point. We don’t feel too much. We can shut off and detach ourselves from just about anything.” And my favourite: “It should only take a few minutes to get over something that annoys you. You harp too much, too long. It’s tiring for us men.”

Ah, ok. Thank you for enlightening me with your heart of steel, O Wise and Learned One.

Strangely, my Muse is also responsible for Chapter 2 of my book: All Men Are A**holes. Quote, unquote. Yes, ALL men. Even your dads and brothers and Sunday school teachers. It’s harsh but think about it. The difference between Guy A and Guy B is the level of Assholeyness. Some rate a perfect ten (Hitler?) and some barely past 1 (the…Pope? And that’s only probably because he left the toilet seat up once when he was 15). But they’ve all got a little bit of a**hole in them. I’ll get personal here. I love my dad and my brothers but sometimes their testosterone-infused self-righteousness really piss me off. They overtake a really slow car and take look at the driver, followed by the typical remark, “No wonder. It’s a woman.”

What is THAT about?

The trick, ladies, is to find a man who doesn’t rate too high on the a**hole scale. Find someone who isn’t on the scale, you say? Whoa whoa, wait a minute. Men on that level are a whole new category: Wimps. Don’t go there. They are far more frustrating than A**holes because at least the latter has the balls to argue with you.

So here’s my point: we’re gonna need some a**holes in our lives who will love us even when they think we’re crazy and as much as they hate to admit it, they love having a crazy woman in their lives who will love them despite their a**holes moments.

Wait a minute, I just proved a new theory: Men are crazy a**holes to want crazy women in their lives while women are just plain crazy. So you see girls…We’re definitely the better species, haha!

Disclaimer: I love my guy friends who love me despite the fact that, like the rest of the female population, I am crazy. Cheers to the nicest a**holes I know! To the rest, don’t bother with the hate mail. You’re so predictable.

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