Wednesday, March 29, 2006

In her shoes.

One of my best friends got dumped by her boyfriend a couple of days ago. I spent some time with her last night, listening, talking and doing whatever would ultimately make her feel better (except for drinking because I have 17 days to go before Lent is over. Me. Sober.Very.) It broke my heart to see the shell of a usually upbeat and up-for-anything girl sitting before me. I say this with love: She looked like shit. And most likely because she felt like it too. She cried, she reasoned, she rationalised, she questioned, she wondered, she cried some more. And for the life of me, I wanted to say profound things. Words that would somehow snap her out of her misery or give that moment of enlightenment and make everything ok again.

But I couldn’t find the words.

Because I knew how she felt. And I knew that no words of wisdom would make sense or matter much at this point. “It hurts,” she said. I nodded. I knew that pain all too well. It feels like someone’s blending your heart and your throat is so tight, you can’t breathe. Your head is pounding and everything around you moves in a blur. Everything you believed in was a lie. Where did the years go? Is it really over? Will this sickening knot in my stomach ever go away?

I stood in her shoes seven months ago. I know exactly the symptoms of a broken heart. I know the whole 12-step program to ‘healing’ or whatever the hell they call it. I know why she needs to numb herself every night with alcohol just to get a decent night’s sleep. I know why she wants to hate him so much right now but she doesn’t. Denial. Withdrawal. Crying yourself to sleep. Stupid songs that will remind you of him. His t-shirt hanging in your closet. That photo of the two of you during ‘happier times’, with his arms so lovingly wrapped around you. I’m not gonna lie: It’s tough but I promise that it gets better. You’ll realize that he was only a fragment of your life and you did fine before you met him. You’ll do just as fine without him again.

What pisses me off is when guys waste so much time of your life before they realize, oops I don’t really want to be with you anymore. Yeah, so these things are unpredictable bla bla bla spare me the righteous bullshit. Then why do you build me up to just bring me crashing down? To my beautiful, brilliant and Superfox friend: Life is way, way too short for us to be dwelling on people who aren’t worth dwelling on. “I need to focus on my career. I don’t have time for a relationship. We’re not compatible after all. You’re not my priority.” So many excuses and we still REFUSE get it. No excuse will ever mask the plain and painful truth that you don’t want us. Just be honest. And seriously, why would you want someone who doesn’t want you? And watch out for those ‘conditional’ relationships. The ones where the guy wants to be with you but on HIS terms. He’ll see you when HE’S free. He’ll call you when HE feels like talking to you. He’ll consider settling down with you when HE’S ready. That’s great. You know what to tell men like that? Go f*** yourself since you’re so in love with ‘YOU’.

I refuse to hurt anymore. I have no one to blame but myself for believing the promise of a future with him. I will not be a fool the next time around. No more expectations. No more hopes. No more waiting for that happily ever after. For now, I will live each day as it is and take things as they come. I am my own person and I belong to no one but myself.

I promise you will feel better but not so soon. And you deserve your time to grieve the relationship. Cry it out, drink it off…whatever it takes. But a time will come when you realize no one is worth ‘mutilating’ your life away. In the meantime, we’re here for you. And yes, I’ll sing Copacabana to death if it makes you happy. Cuz I love you like that.

"Her name was Lola, she was showgirl..."
-Copacabana, Barry Manilow is da man. But i could definitely give him a run for his money.

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