I wish I didn’t give a shit about so many things in my life. Indifference would make so much difference. I’m so sick of my yo-yo emotions. How one day I get nostalgic about better days and some days I say F*** it all. One minute I wish things were the way they were and the next I’m embracing the possibilities of things to come. Some days I love my job and other days I want to blow up my office.
I know it sounds like a regularity for many people but seriously, I hate this shit. I feel emotionally worn out. Day in, day out I gossip and listen to gossip and eventually get gossiped about. By people I don’t really give a rat’s ass about and yet it annoys me. Why? These people are so insignificant in my life that if they disappeared into a dark hole tomorrow I would be none the wiser. But it still bugs me out of my mind. Ok we all gossip. We know it’s bad. But we gossip. We dislike people (and vice versa) for the stupidest things: the way they dress, the way they talk, the way they breathe. Sometimes I wish I didn’t know. Ignorance is bliss. I’ve already got enough people on my hate list and to see it grow unnecessarily is just an added boulder on my shoulder. I don’t want to hate anyone. Or anything. It’s tiring.
But I don’t want to love neither. Because it’s pointless. However, to contradict myself, I don’t want to have meaningless relationships because it leaves me feeling hollow. I cannot afford to emotionally invest in anyone right now. I’ve been robbed once and it’s an experience I’m not in a rush to go through again, thankyouverymuch. And now, they come with promises of ‘you mean the world to me’ and all that jazz. Until you change your mind. Until you grow bored of me. Until you get tired of characteristics you once deemed ‘cute’. Until it’s time for you to leave. Until you meet that chick with bigger tits. Until you decide your career is more important. Until you decide we’re not compatible. Until you decide the timing’s all wrong. I could go on.
I’m so bugged. I’m not angry. Just bugged. And annoyed. With the whole notion of finding happiness. With people who have nothing better to do than put me down at every chance they get. With hearing stories of ‘she/he said blablabla about you’. With not having enough money to pack up and leave this God-forsaken place. With not being able to please everyone. With making mistake after mistake after mistake. With having expectations only to have them crushed.
Why do i bother?
I’m going home. I’ll feel better tomorrow.
Today's happy emotion was brought to you by the letter F and number 2. Tune in for upcoming episodes featuring the letters U,C and K.