Mule.

Yeah, I know I'm stubborn. I know that deep down I know better. And yet I keep throwing myself against that brick wall. I don't know how I got here. And I sure as hell don't know where I'm going with this.

Soft-hearted and hard-headed. I can't think of a more self-destructive combination.

Tired.

Am back from the 22nd Mt. Kinabalu International Climbathon (i'm too lazy to explain, just google it heh heh). No, I didn't run up the mountain. It was for work. As it has been for the last five years.

The mountain air was a nice change although there moments where it got a wee bit too cold. And on the last day, I had to take an ICY shower at 5:00am because they ran out of hot water. How can you run out of hot water in a place like that? Imagine pouring ice water on yourself. Yeah, refreshing.

After a long journey back from Kundasang, I managed to catch my breath, take a shower and rush to attend the annual Shell Press Awards. It's always great to see my ex-colleagues in the journalism line - they always treat me like I've never left the press, bless them. And the free flow of alcohol didn't hurt neither. Unfortunately, I was so bloody exhausted and try as I might, I sneaked away from the crowd at 2:30 am. Yes, 2:30. And here I am at work today. Well, physically I'm here lah but my mind is somewhere in bed.

So I'm tired. Body, mind and soul. The past week has been really trying for me and right now I just want to collapse in bed and sleep till I can sleep no more. But for now, we still have one event to run this Thursday and then I can breathe easy. Wish me luck.

Faith.

Those of you who know me know that I am anything but an exemplary Catholic. I can't even remember the right things to say when praying the rosary and I can only recall 5 Commandments out of 10. Yep, if my Catholic practice is my ticket to heaven, I'm bound for quite a few stops on the way up (with the optimistic hope that's the direction I'm headed lah)

But God and I have a good relationship. When booze, ciggarettes and too many late nights offer little comfort, I go to church. Yeah, not quite the Christian-way but...like I said, God and I have a good relationship and He knows I'm difficult like that.

So last night I bought some candles and went to the Grotto. I lit my candle and talked to Mother Mary. I had a little one on one with God too. My 'angel' Pu told me earlier the other day that God is with us throughout our storms. That we are never alone. It's just that sometimes, we are not open to see Him there beside us. I was skeptical. If anything, I was more alone than ever.

And so I told the Big Guy: Seriously, I kinda need You now. If You are really there, show me. Tell me. Anything. And I promise I will open my heart to see You.

I sat there for about 25 minutes, waiting for mass to start (I was way early and the church was still locked). My candle flickered in the wind and not long after, it started to drizzle just as people started to fill in the church. So I made my way to mass.

A sermon, a hymn and a communion later, I make my way back to the car. The road is wet and I can still smell the after-shower. But in the darkness, I squinted and I couldn't believe what I saw at the Grotto.

My sole candle was still lit.

In the rain and wind, my candle stood there, flickering, unfaltering. I rushed to the Grotto, car keys dangling at my car and my bag abandoned on the pavement. And there, I cried. I cried, and cried and cried. And felt like a fool for challenging God and His presence. His faith in me has never wavered, even when I have sunken to the lowest depths.

I think I owe it to Him to return the faith.

He is there. I just had to stop and listen for a while.

Post No. 501

I just realised this is my 501st post on blogger. So yesterday was no. 500. hooray for me.

So they're telling me to go. To leave KK and all its glory. I've been playing with the idea for so long but there's always an excuse or two. No money. My family needs me. I can't find a job elsewhere. I have to finish paying the loan for my car.

Always something.

But an evening of cranberry vodkas and under a strangely red-orange sky, they told me perhaps it was time to go. "It's this place. You have to go. Start fresh," she said. The other one piped in, "But not KL. Never KL." What is it about KK that I love yet hate so much? All the best times happened here. But the worst times could also be found at every corner. And I was going through one of those again at this point in my life. But that what nourishes me also destroys me (to quote one of Angelina Jolie's many tattoos). All this familiarity breeding contempt. "Get a REAL job," my brother-in-law mocked me but in his endearing way. "I know you like what you do but you and I know, you could do much more. Somewhere else," he said. Perhaps I don't need to do more - only something different.

And when it comes to the matters of the heart, I wish I could just seal them all up in an air-tight bag and bury it between the crevices of 'never happened' and 'denial'. Why are my relationships all doomed? And I'm not finger-pointing here - I take full responsibility of getting bored and restless in perfectly healthy relationships and diving into less admirable ones. Yes, I am screwed up that way. My ex once said the reason I'm so unhappy is because I ache for the drama. Apparently, I WANT the tears and screaming matches and sweep-me-of-my-feet-make-ups. Now, that's a bit far-fetched lah...What kind of sadist does he think I am? I do enjoy the occassional break from routine in my relationships (who doesn't) and normally, in the form of a man who agrees to disagree. So sue me. I like a partner who isn't afraid to voice an opionion. Geez.

But I digress. I'm thinking of packing my bags. 3 months. 6 months. Maybe a year. I don't know. I just know I need to break out of this before I crack. Job be damned. I'll serve sandwiches and coffee if I have to.

Pills and spills.

I said it before and I'll say it again. I hate August. And true to form, it is finally starting to shit on me. Anyway, i've been away from the office for the last 2 days - i'll spare you the details - and have been pill-popping at home (for medical reasons la). A combination of sleeping pills and painkillers keeps grumpy Mel out of service for a while.

To keep my sanity in check, I've discovered a newfound addiction to this:

Still no idea what I'm talking about? GUITAR HERO III: LEGENDS OF ROCK baybeh! My nieces have a Sony Wii so needless to say...I've been occupied. You can rock to the tunes of Pat Benatar (I love Hit Me With Your Best Shot) and Heart's Barracuda. It has an excellent track list, including classics from Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, The Killers, Kiss, even Tenacious D! I played (much to my niece's amusement) till my left arm had no more blood rushing through and I think I pulled a muscle. I'm no where near as good as Francine (my niece) and I'm still on practice mode.
I found a pink one! Would love to get one of these fer real...

Basically, it's a 'sorta guitar' where you play according to the coloured chords. It's a lot to do with rhythm and beat and sometimes you start to get cross-eyed (well I do anyway). All good fun. Ah the things that keep me going these days...

TGIF my ass.

I've lost it.

My marbles? The zest for life? My sanity? Whatever way you package it, I've lost it. I really don't care for much anymore these days. So if i start to space out when we're talking or I look like I can't wait to get out of there...Pardon me.

I don't need any sympathy or help. Because people who claim to 'help' or 'hear' me out are usually the hypocrites who can't wait to tell the next person how screwed up I've become. I've realised that I'm surrounded by two-faced backstabbers at work as well. Yep, icing on my fucking cake. But you know what? I can't deal with all the haters right now when I'm busy trying to get my life back on track. The only thing that makes sense these days is a bottle of wine and a pack of ciggies (OMG YES I SMOKE! ALERT THE AUTHORITIES - god, get a life already).

I am surrounded by so many toxic assholes these days. People who just zap the energy out of me just by existing. I have to start eliminating these people from my life. So if I suddenly drop out of YOUR life, you know you are one of the toxic assholes I've been talking about, haha. As Greg Behrendt so poetically put it: "You already have one asshole. You don't need another one in your life."

I've lost it. But the thing is, I'm not interested in finding it again.

El Stupido

The Spanish olympic basketball team is under fire for a mucho mucho stupido move during a recent ad campaign.

The ad was for a Spanish courier company, which appeared in a local paper La Marca. Naturally, there's a huge uproar on how racist the ad is, mocking the Chinese community with their 'slanted eyes' pose. I mean, seriously guys. What are you - a bunch of twelve year olds? I don't know about you guys but making fun of the largest community in the world as you make your way to the Olympics which happens to be held in (well whaddaya know) China sounds like digging your own grave. Want an interesting twist? The Spanish team is sponsored by Li Ning Footwear - yes ladies and gents, a CHINESE corporation no less.

To add insult to injury, the advertisers and the team have no idea what the big deal is. Yep, not a sorry in sight. And eventhough they beat the Chinese team 85-75 yesterday, it was satisfying to watch the stadium boo their every move.

Shame on you. And you guys are bidding to host the 2016 Olympic games? Hah.

Gidiots.

Post secret.

As with every Monday morning, I make my way to PostSecret. And i cried when I read this:

"I'm so sure and scared. I'm always going to be that girl who is never enough."

It was like I was listening to myself for the first time. And I'm glad someone finally said it for me.

Things you'd save in a fire.

Family aside, i would grab my cats and handphone (simply because my handphone is right beside my pillow every night).

Honestly, if i really think about it, I can't think of anything more precious than my family or cats to save in a fire.

What would you save in a fire?

August.

August and I have not been on good terms for a few years now. I dunno what it is about this time of the year. It's like 31 Mondays all crammed into one month - each day shittier than the next. Ok ok maybe not all 31 days. More like...29.

Let me track back the years to prove my point:

August 2005 - My boyfriend of 3 years dumps me at a club in front of all my friends. I guess all that cranberry vodka he was drinking finally grew him a pair and there was no time like the present to drop the chocolate-covered bombshell: "I don't see a future with you." Cue running to the bathroom, cue breaking down in front of my friends and a bunch of strangers (not to mention some juniors from school - how mortifying). To be fair, we had been fighting non-stop the past month (damn you August!). Here's an excerpt from my August 2005 entry:

“I’d rather be with someone compatible than someone I love. And you and I are not compatible.” Heart slamming. Not a good feeling. - August 5th, 2005.

And the Curse of August was born.

August 2006 - Just when things aren't looking too shabby, H announces that he's leaving for Canada. And again my world tumbles. It's a month of the longest goodbye ever.

Seriously, I wish nothing but the best for him. If I had my way, I'd bring Canada here so he could study and I'd still have someone around to remind me my car's about to fall apart if I don't service it soon. - August 25th, 2006

August 2007 - I start to feel restless and frustrated with my job. I'm starting to lose my so-called passion for the job and it sucks. And I'm not coping well with H being so far away.

It's August and I just want the months to go as quickly as possible. Every morning, I wake up and sigh in relief that another day has gone. I know there will be a time when I want time to slow down but right now, I wish someone would push the fast-forward button already.

And my job. Ah, my job my job. The opportunities it has presented me have been fantastic, no doubt. The traveling, meeting people etc etc. But as a writer...Sometimes I don't know if I'm a 'writer' anymore. For the last four years, I've had to write a certain way and my fear is that I'm stuck in that 'way'. To an extent, I feel stifled. I love writing. I may not be the best writer out there but I love what I do. But after some years in the industry, who am I kidding...Writing doesn't pay the bills. - August 3rd, 2007.

And this year? Let's wait and see what August has up her sleeve, the little b*tch.