Friday, August 10, 2007

Overexposed. Overwhelmed. Under pressure.

As of late, I've been having plenty of nightmares. They're all different but they pretty much run under the same theme. In one dream, I had this overwhelming sense of being left behind. There was a huge crowd and I was with someone, a friend or family member, but all I could remember was losing sight of them as they disappeared into the crowd. And I felt so lost and confused. Not to mention completely helpless. Two nights ago, I dreamt I finally went to visit Haw in Canada and when I got there, he hugged me and said, "Don't cry. It's just another two years and I'll be home..."


Thank God I woke up. Last night, the latest episode involved me in a shopping mall and I REALLY had to go to use the loo. But it was all occupied and the only one left was right in the middle of the shopping centre, where everyone could see you. And i don't know what came over me but I figured, "Hey if it's there, someone's gotta use it." And I did. I pulled my pants down and did my business. In the middle of a mall. With everyone watching me. And then the feeling of extreme humiliation sank in. Everyone was pointing and laughing. And guys were obscenely gawking. I felt completely naked. It was a very vivid feeling: My cheeks were flaming, my palms sweaty and I was struggling to pull up my pants without exposing myself TOO much. At the height of my panic...I woke up.

I don't know what it is. I feel like a bottle of anxiety ready to explode at any moment. I'm not angry. I'm not frustrated. I'm just anxious and nervous almost all the time. My palms sweat non-stop in the office that I have tissues on standby to dab them dry every few minutes. Ugh.
Maybe it's work. Things have been a bit demanding in the office but nothing I can't handle. Some personal family issues too. I try not to let stuff bother me but once in a while, it gets the better of me. And I've been thinking about my blog too. Don't get me wrong: I enjoy blogging. But as of late, I feel like i'm in a fishbowl and, well, I feel exposed (with no one to blame but myself of course). Still, my blog used to be more 'personal' and I would freely express my thoughts and frustrations, but these days, I realise I have to be more careful on what I write about (more like, WHO I write about). I have plenty to bitch about but i think my blog is no longer the safehaven of emo-babble I used to frequent. Blogs are double-edged swords, I suppose. Win some, lose some.

So pardon me if my entries are far and between these days. Sometimes I feel like I have to 'live up' to certain blogging expectations (ya la, not that i'm Kenny Sia or Xiaxue...) and there's a 'blogsernality' that defines me - and that makes me a bit uneasy. Labels are everywhere. You know, like The Funny Blogger, The Blogger With Good Photos, The Blogging Couple, The Blogger Who Travels etc etc.

That said, thanks for dropping by time and again. Sometimes it's just nice to hear different perspectives and words of encouragement.

I told you it's a double-edged sword.

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