Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Yes, this is another whiny entry so stop reading if you're looking for something happy.

I apologise.

If you have been reading my blog and I've somehow sucked you into my vortex of Eeyore-ness (read: showered you with my negative vibes), I apologise. I've been reading my entries over the past year and, yes, I know it hasn't been pleasant reading material.

Some entries are self-suffering. Others so full of resentment. A few that are borderline pathetic, if I say so myself. My blog has become my voice - my whiny, oh-woe-is-me voice. And you might be surprised but I hate it. I hate what I've become because I know what I can really be - And it's not THIS.

So please, don't think that I am enjoying myself here with all the drama. An old flame (more like a forgettable spark) loved telling what a drama queen I was. How much I relished - and thrived!- on a roller coaster life. That switching from calm and controlled to emotional and unmanageable (what am I, tangled hair?) kept my days 'colourful'. And that word, oh that one word that just gets to me to this day: VOLATILE. "I dunno why you're so volatile, babe," he'd say. Maybe cuz you call me 'Babe' *slap slap*

Contrary to popular belief, no, I don't enjoy the drama. I want a nice, happy, shiny life just as much as the next delusional person. And I do try. You know that whole saying about life handing you lemons, and then you make lemonade? Screw the lemonade. I'm the kinda person who would bake a fckuing lemon meringue pie given the choice. But this year, I couldn't get past squeezing the lemons because my hands were covered with paper cuts. (Plus, I suck at baking anyway).

So yes, Mel isn't so happy and shiny right now. But on the flip side, seeing everyone words of encouragement on my message board has made me realise what fantastic people still exist out there. People who do give a rat's ass about me. Even when I'm being a rat's ass :)

Don't get me wrong though: I'm not sorry - for I cannot be sorry for being who I am or for how I feel. But I apologise all the same.

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