Zombie mode.

I'm not a bad person, really.

I like to play by the rules, most of the time. I eat three square meals a day and I feel guilty running red lights on the road. I've been a dutiful daughter and been as accomodating a girlfriend I can be. I am patient - to a fault. And these days I even floss after meals.

But somehow, I feel there is something infinitely unlikeable about me. Unlovable. Unworthy. Call it self-esteem issues but no matter what colour you paint it, it's there.

Life isn't at its smoothest right now. I'm surrounded by people everyday but I've never felt more lonely. Switching to zombie mode.

Day Four.

Still no Happy. Still not happy.

I dunno what else to do.

I just hope he's ok and not hurt and cold and hungry.

....

Ok now I'm REALLY depressed.

Not Happy.

My cat, Happy, was sent to the vet yesterday because of a swollen paw. Turned out to be an infection and they had to drain some fluid from his leg. In that light, he had to be admitted overnight.

Couple of hours ago, the vet calls me and I expect the worst (its never good if a vet calls you in the office). But I did NOT expect his nurse to tell me:

"Your cat is missing."

*pause* Ok, wait a minute. How does a sick cat go missing in a veterinarian's clinic? They said Happy managed to 'open' his cage and escape. OH WOW MY CAT IS A GENIUS! And now they cannot find my cat. And the bloody nurse has the cheek to tell me, "They usually come back at night so we'll wait till night time to look for the cat." WTF.

Me: I'm going to pick up my cat this afternoon. I don't care how you do it but my cat had better be there when I get to your clinic.

It's like the hospital telling a patient's relative, "We misplaced the patient. But we'll look for him later today." I freakin' entrusted my cat's well-being in your hands and you LOSE my cat? And what are they going to do if they can't find my cat? Reimburse me with RM150? Fcuk no.

I'm still at work and i'm finishing up whatever I need to before lunch. And then I'm going to the vet. And Happy better be there looking happy as ever. If not, heads will roll.

FYI: I sent my cat to the Sabah Animal Medical Centre in Foh Sang. Dr. Rassit has been the family vet for years. Not anymore. And i suggest you guys don't send your pets there neither. The nurses don't give a rat's ass about the pets.

Spring cleaning.

I had a life-changing weekend. Long story short, I went on a retreat and I feel much better. I'm going to spare my readers the spiritual experience because :-

a) not everyone will get it
b) I don't really need to hear negative and cynical feedback
c) I don't want to be accused of shoving my faith down other people's throats.

Those of you who do understand me, thank you. It's nice to know I have people i can share it with without fear of being judged. And I want to make a special shout out to Pu, for without whom I wouldn't have experienced what I did. You are heaven-sent!

****

I am 'spring cleaning' my life. I have unnecessary junk weighing me down, useless souvenirs I'm holding on to that only remind me of the unhappy past. Toxic waste poisoning my system that I need to flush out, bit by bit. Toys I don't play with anymore. Trophies that were once symbols of victory serve only to remind me of glory days that were temporary. Empty boxes that once held precious gifts.

I need to hold on to things that bring me comfort, joy and security - not for a month or a year. But for all my life. I found that over the weekend.

The Papaya Theory

My Papaya got married recently.

But before that, let me explain the Papaya Theory of Relationships. At some point, everyone has a Papaya in their lives. Someone you've secretly pined for, the one in your heart of hearts. That one person who still makes you smile when you think of him or her after 10 years and you go, "Sigh, if only." That somewhere along the path of fate, you were ALMOST meant to be...but not quite.

And you know it's not going to happen. And even with that fact, its ok because life goes on as it should. And then one day *BAM* you find out he's seeing someone else. Or worse, he's getting married. Which means it won't be as fun imagining the 'What Ifs' and 'If Onlys' when it comes to him. Thus, he is now the Papaya.

See, it's like this: Say you don't really like to eat papayas. You don't hate them but if it's there, you're not necessarily gonna eat it neither. Ambivalence. In fact, you don't even THINK of papayas. Kinda like...taking them for granted. And the one fine day, the doctor tells you: I'm afraid you can't eat papayas for the rest of your life due to some super-weird medical condition.

And that's the moment you think, "But I WANT my papaya. I want to eat papayas!" And it drives you absolutely nuts. It didn't matter before - but now that it's off limits, it's all you can crave for. You know you'll live without having another bite of papaya (you've always been a mango person anyway) but...still.

Yeah, maybe it's a selfish theory but it's definitely applicable. I haven't spoken to my Papaya in years and I had a crush on him since I was 12! That's all it was, a childhood crush. But even after a string of relationships - He's still my Papaya. And now that he's on someone else's plate (and I do wish them all the best), it leaves me a little...Papaya-less.

Who's your Papaya?

He's The One

He's the one

by fridaycat13.

He's the one

Who makes me smile

Forget my troubles for a while

The one who fills my head at night

My ups, my downs, my wrong, my right

He's the one

To set me straight

The one I love, the one I hate

In my heart I know he's true

In my head I wish i knew

He's the one

I didn't see

The one who didn't plan to be

My all with him I'll give, not take

My heart he owns.

My heart he'll break.

I wrote this during one of our long-winded, pointless meetings. Hey, at least I looked like I was writing notes.