Wednesday, July 08, 2009

In the now.

I want to count my blessings.

Because it takes devastating news to shake us out of our zombie reverie as we trudge through life. So today, I want to count my blessings and live in the now.

Someone I work with has been diagnosed with leukemia and honestly, I am still in denial. Because I refuse to accept that his life is now on a timer and everyone is just waiting for the buzzer to go off. I walk by his room and imagine that he will be back tomorrow, smiling and telling us it was just the flu.

While everyone sheds tears and comes to grip with his diagnosis, I find myself almost not reacting. Not because I don't care. Not because I am emotionless (boy oh boy, if anything I'm too emo). Because in my own bubble, I believe that if I don't acknowledge the truth, it remains untrue. So I go on with my day, refusing to visit him in the hospital, ignoring talk of "poor him poor him" because I so badly want to believe he is coming back and the doctors made a mistake.

I'm the Queen of wishful thinking.

But as the days pass and the news sinks in a little bit more, it puts everything I do on a daily basis in perspective. You know those scenes in a movie where the camera zooms out on everything around you and zooms in on your face, like a moment of realization? That's how I feel. I watch as my bosses continue yakking about which wine to serve during the next big dinner event. I listen as someone gets worked up about not getting the alignment right on his typed document. And, in comparison with someone doesn't know how many tomorrows are left, it all seems so...trivial. I do understand that life must go on. Bills must be paid, children fed and deadlines met. But why do we put so much blood, sweat and tears on the tiny details in life? Why can't we have the same zest for things that matter?

Because we take those things for granted. Right until someone tells us we don't have much time life.

Don't postpone that trip you've been saving up for because it's just 'too much hassle' to plan right. Don't tell your husband you'll have that long-awaited dinner for two next week because this week you're just too tired. Don't save those RM500 stilletos for a special occassion - tonight might be that special occassion! Don't wait to tell someone their friendship is better than chocolate if you can tell them today. Most of all, don't wait to make yourself happy today - in whatever form it may come.

Today, I want to count my blessings. I'm not going to wait till it's too late.

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