This is a year of many things but it will not be a year of holding my tongue. Or in most cases, my words.Perhaps it should excite me rather than rile me that my words cause such a stir. I have never been one to ruffle feathers - in fact, I'm the person who glues the feathers together so they don't so much even flutter. Maybe it's my age. Maybe my hormones. Maybe the luxury of having more time to think, sit and write. Or maybe it's me just giving the world the finger, thinking, "You know, I CAN have opinions."I can't blog about my past - even if it's, GOD FORBID, the truth - for fear of knocking certain people off their pedestal? I can't express my rights as a consumer if I have an opinion about your lacklustre service? I can't tweet about food/religion/sex/monkeys unless it jives with your opinion? How is it that I have found myself in a position where the demons of my teenage years are back to haunt, taunt and guilt me? And an internal e-mail, which miraculously found its way to the wrong hands, has led to a possible lawsuit on grounds of defamation? (by the way, I stand my ground that you are a completely arrogant and lousy vet - yeah, great, you gonna sue me now for 'implying' I'm talking about you?)But as I said, perhaps I should see this as a compliment. After all, who would Salman Rushdie be without the Satanic Verses? Or DH Lawrence without Lady Chatterley's Lover? Or even JK Rowling without the Harry Potter series (for crying out loud...witchcraft? sorcery? anti-Christian? really?). Controversy isn't always a bad thing. It makes people think, ponder and sometimes, even face demons they never knew they had. So I guess I'll continue to write whatever churns my butter. You don't have to agree with my thoughts and opinions. And if you hate it, I'm flattered that you even took the time to read it. That's five minutes of your life you'll never get back, so technically.... I win.Haters. You gotta love 'em.
So those of you who know my story are aware that the H and I are trying to have a baby. And those of you who know my story are also aware that we recently succeeded but unfortunately lost the pregnancy. Dr. C - a very kind, professional and caring doctor, I might add - advised that we wait a whole cycle before trying again. "This happens more often than you'd imagine and these patients of mine go on to have very successful pregnancies," he consoled me while I choked on my sobs in his clinic. He held my hand, handed me a tissue and told me he was sure he'd see me again in a few months. Bless him.
Almost a month has passed and we get by with our lives. I've mourned my loss but I need to look forward. And I must say, the past few weeks of taking it slow has been refreshing. Apart from a few unnecessary dramas, I'd say we're doing pretty okay. And now a cycle has passed and the H and I look at each other pensively as we decide the next step. Too soon? Later? Now? Physically, I feel much better although my hormones act like they've been on a five-day rave party and are now suffering a major hangover.
We want a baby. No questions about that. But the past month has been great without the calendar-marking, ovulation-testing, diet-watching and whatever else TTC entails (TTC = trying to conceive. I've been reading so many books and articles, you catch the baby-making lingo fast). But we don't want to waste much time neither. So baby do, baby don't? Who knows anymore. So at this point, we're just forging ahead, fingers crossed and minds open. It has been too stressful planning our life around a possible pregnancy (oh we can't travel in December cuz I might be pregnant, oh we can't spend money on that because there might be a baby coming soon...).
Right now, we're just grateful to have each other. A baby may or may not make its way into our lives but in the meantime, we will focus on the awesomeness of being together, uninterrupted.
If baby makes three, I'm sure we can handle that too.
