I've been doing better lately, really. Thanks for asking. Less Eeyore-like entries. But I have my moments of lapse - where my mind wanders through the corridors of 'Messy Days, Angry Ways' and spirals into the vortex of a less-than-happy past.
But I deserve credit for trying to crawl out of that hole. It has not been easy and although I'm not quite 'there' yet, the only way is up from here. But a phrase caught my attention a couple of nights ago and it sounded like something my soul was trying to ask me: "How do you look into the future if your past is still present?"
And so, sometimes I slip. And I think of the disappointments. The fool I've been made. The heartbreak. When I slip, I talk. I need to talk. I need to verbalise whatever bullshit creeps into my head because maybe, just maybe, once I hear the words come out of my mouth, I realise that its nothing I can't handle.
Thing is, there are only a handful of people whom I entrust my verbal diaorrhea with. But talking to them recently, I realised I've run out of 'I'm here if you want to talk' coupons. One friend actually went "uh-huh ya ya ya" to speed up the 'unncessary' bits of my story and another one just laughed it off. When I brought it up to another, her response was, "STILL on this?", one hand on hip and a completely bored look on her face. I even get brushed off online by 'friends' separated by a sea.
Fine. I get it. They're all 'talked out'. I can understand that. But I did think that given I haven't been 'bugging' anyone for more than a month, it wouldn't be deathly if I boo-hoo'd for a second right? When did my friends become so fair-weathered?
It's a painful reality to face and hard lesson to learn but from now on, I guess I know which friends to turn to and which ones can only handle a drinking session with me. That said, always look out for the friends you least expect to be there for you or the ones you don't see often enough - They can be the true gems.
I heart all my friends, don't get me wrong. I just have to lower my expectations.
On another topic, Lent begins for us Catholics today. I have been thinking hard on what to give up for the next 40 days. A few years back, I went without meat and the year after, I gave up alcohol (oh the temptation...). This year, I am giving up 2 things for Lent. First, I am letting go of the urge to dwell on all that has happened in 2008 - and this means giving up certain people and habits for the next 40 days. Secondly, I am not going to indulge in idle gossip nor bitch about ANYONE, particularly in the office. No matter HOW Infuriating my bosses are or how annoying some people can be - I will not talk bad about them. I realise it has become such a habit to bitch about other people - breakfast, lunch, dinner, at home, online, in the office, in the car...Which is why I know this will be a huge test for me during Lent as I take 'bitching' for granted and see it as harmless. Hopefully, I can practice it way past 40 days, heh heh.
May the grace of the Lord be with us all!