Monday, October 30, 2006

...But then again, too few to mention.


Do you regret anything in your life? Regret having done something? Or worse, having NOT done something? My sister told me when she passes on, she would want "No Regrets" engraved on her tombstone. But how many of us can honestly say they've lived a life without regrets.

Ok, I know what you're gonna throw at me now -Everything happens for a reason. Perhaps. The glass-is-half-empty side of me thinks people say that just to make the shitty bits in their life bearable. "I lost my job...But everything happens for a reason. I got shot in the head...But everything happens for a reason."


Cynicism aside, maybe things do happen for a reason but seriously, would you go as far as saying you have no regrets? Ask the guy who drove drunk and killed a pedestrian. Ask the size 4 woman who bought a size 2 dress in puke green just because the salesgirl said it looked 'beautiful' on her (AND it's not refundable). Ask someone who spent money to watch 'The Cave'.
My point is, as much as I'd love to proclaim I have no regrets, I wouldn't dare to be so self-righteous. Granted, I do believe some mistakes made turned out to be lessons well learned. I appreciate the lessons but I regret the foolish decisions that brought me there. Cases in point:

Case of the Football Jock in College
It was so cliched: Head of the football team, super-jock who hung out at the gym, had the best one-liners, the guys thought he was so cool and the girls swooned at his swagger. I never imagined in a million years I would fall for him. But fall for him I did. And i became the envy of so many girls, my ego was blown 3 million times it's usual size. Long story short: I was interesting for two weeks and he moved of faster than you could say, "Foul!". He didn't even have the balls to tell me it was over. I remember the pitiful looks that followed me as well as the gleeful smirks of the other girls knowing he was on the market again. He dropped me hard and fast. My consolation was that I never really loved him. But it was huge blow to my pride.

'Everything happens for a reason' moment: He pulled the same stunt with the girl he dated after me...and after that...and after that. And soon everyone saw him for who he was. I felt like karma had come full circle. I can't imagine if I had stayed on in that so-called relationship.

Case of The Ex That Wasted Three Years of My Life
Everyone has a take on this. How it was good that it was ONLY three years. How I was lucky we didn't end up married. How it makes me appreciate the person I'm with even more. But people, it doesn't take away the fact that he WASTED THREE YEARS OF MY LIFE. It may not seem much to some people but everytime I think of what i could have done in those three years, it pisses me off. And all that emotional investment only to have it flushed down the drain. Grr. After we broke up, I tried so hard to be 'adult' about it. As much as I wanted to pour paint on his car or blow up his house, I kept smiling, laughing at his jokes and being the best 'friend' I could be. A year on, I got really upset with myself because I realised one thing: I was STILL catering to what HE wanted. He looked me in the eye (not once, but three times) to tell me, "I don't love you anymore. I have no more feelings for you" followed by, "But I don't want you to hate me and I still want to be friends."

Okaaaay. And so Mel does what she does best when it comes to him. Grit my teeth, pretend it doesn't kill me inside everytime I see him. And it's not because I was still madly in love with him, mind you. Put it this way:Your pet dog, whom you've given a home for years and seemed harmless, goes rabid on you one day. He bites you, not once, but three times. You have no choice but to give him away. Inside his cage, he looks so harmless and like that dog you've always loved, but seriously...Would you put your hand in and pet him again?

I didn't need a reminder of being rejected. I didn't need a 'friend' who had downgraded me from someone special to 'just one of the guys'. I didn't need to keep that painful part of my life.

'Everything happens for a reason' moment: It led me to the person I should have been with a long time ago. Hence, it pisses me off that my ex wasted those years with me when I could have been with the right person all along.

Do I have regrets in my life? Hell yeah.

But more importantly, I haven't been this happy for a long time.

No comments: