Busy.

So many people treat the word 'busy' like a dirty four-letter word. Au contraire. First of all, busy may mean that you've got a full plate, a long list of to-do-see-go-make and obligations and engagements. People say, "I'm busy" with a sigh, a moan and a droop of their shoulders, longing for some quiet time of doing absolutely nothing.

I understand where these people are coming from. I can sometimes be one of them. While I agree it's awesome to be able to sit back, balance a tub of popcorn on my belly and channel surf, there are only so many hours in my life I want to spend doing that. Since I quit my full-time desk job some three years ago, I've been able to put a new perspective in my life. While I relish being the captain of my ship and commandeering my own schedule, there are days when I miss being stereotypically busy. The whole 'phone ringing off the hook' while meeting deadlines, attending restaurant openings and packing for a trip to the islands (indeed, I am lucky to be able to put this as part of my job description back then, I'll admit that). Enter the world of freelancing. Since I discovered the realm of working in my pajamas at odd hours and taking Mondays off, I must say I can't see myself going back to a 9-5 desk job. 

Ah, win some lose some. 

So while I've found some joy in my chosen career path, I was missing the buzz of being busy. Maybe taking it easy isn't always easy. Having anxiety attacks was not helping and I began to slowly lose my sense of self. Of who I was. Of what I was capable of. Of the accomplishments that were within my reach yet seemed so far. Believe it or not, having too much free time was taking a toll on my sanity. Maybe I was one of those mutants who thrived under pressure, who constantly needed a push. So I decided I needed to turn my life around. I would not be a victim of circumstance and this pity party needed to end.

Maybe my soul was screaming so loud that the Universe had no choice but to listen. I've signed on to do three book projects, am back at the Editor's desk for a magazine I used to work on (on contract basis, so my working schedule is flexible) and am translating films for an upcoming film festival. I've gone back to the gym and in an attempt to try something new, signed up for kickboxing classes. I come home exhausted but grateful every night. Being this busy means I have no time to listen to the Eeyore in my head, whispering endless 'if onlys' and 'poor me'. Busy means I am slowly replacing my anxieties and worries with focus and drive to finish what's before me. Busy means I am blessed.

In the chaos, I find my calm.