30 seconds.

That's how long I can hold my breath underwater.

And to think I had to travel all the way to Langkawi to discover this. But that's what my little getaway was supposed to do - to learn more things about myself. To see what I'm capable of. And of course, to sort out my thoughts and see if I can get myself a glowing tan (we'll get to that later). I have been planning this holiday for what seemed like ages and when the weekend finally arrived, I was outta here faster than you can say, "So long KK, YOU SUCK."

I had in tow with me my buddy Dillon. Ok let's see if you can keep up with me: Dillon and I met in Monash Uni Malaysia, but he grew up in the States, spent most of his uni years in Melbourne, proceeded to work there for a few years and then moved to London. Kapeesh? So yes, he has the strangest accent. Something the Citizen of the World would sound like.

But Dillon, Dillon, my friend in a million - suggested long ago that he needed to get away from the dreary London air and I needed to get away from...KK and all its trappings. So, two tickets later, we were in Langkawi. And this was our transportation of choice:

THE POWER OF THE KANCIL! These babies cost RM50 a day (I later found out it should've been RM30 but ah well) and you just have to fill 'em up and you're good to go! Of course, seeing how teeny tiny it was, Dillon looked like a giant in a matchbox:
Although my sole purpose was to make like a starfish and be one with the beach, I figured might as well see what touristy things I could do in Langkawi. You don't get any more touristy than this:

Looked harmless. And Malaysians only pay RM15 if you flash your MyKad. The two girls in front of me didn't know this and when they heard I got a discount, they started grumbling, "Hah?Ada diskaun? Alaaaaa..."

People, READ THE SIGNBOARD.

It was really high up. And I hate heights. So do the math. Dillon kept going, "Oh wow, you GOTTA look at this, Mel. Look, look!" Sweaty palms and all, I managed to sneak a polite peek down below and go, "Mmm nice. So pretty." So he took a photo of me to get my mind off the thought that the cable could snap and our car would smash into a million pieces into the valley.

See how high up it goes? Told you it was high.

But the view was so worth it. And there's a nice cool breeze. The trick is to look OUT and not DOWN. And then they had this sign:

Ok, we'll just take your word for it. And they have the most enterprising people there, offering foot massages, caricatures....

So Dillon got one done. It was pretty good. The guy kept going, "Look straight, look straight...". He looks 'straight' to me.

On the way down, we kept seeing this cable car. HOLY COW. Imagine riding one of those? I think it's for the maintenance guys. Dillon actually wondered if we could pay more to ride it. You couldn't pay ME enough to ride it.

And I figured we deserved a reward for all that drama: ICE CREAM!

Dillon: You want ice cream?

Me: Yep, only the type you can suck.

Dillon: What??? (funny look on face)

Me: You know, the popsicles.

Dillon: Ohhhh...I like the other type.

Me: The ones you can lick?

Dillon: *priceless expression*

Me: DILLON SINGH!

Get your minds out of the gutter, people.

On another touristy note, we visited 'Telaga Tujuh' or Seven Wells the next day. It's a bit of a hike (25 minutes of climbing steps to be exact). I remember thinking, "This better be the most glorious seven wells I've ever seen in my life or else..."

And it wasn't half bad! See that middle part? The tourists were sliding down it and into a little rock pool. Pretty cool. But I had a feeling it would hurt. We'll leave the bruises to the experts.

So cantik and clear the water. Well, not super cantik, some bits were actually grimy but the running parts were nice and cool. Apparently the water levels were a bit low but we reckon it has something to do with the dry weather. Don't quote me on that.

Tourist shot necessary. And since Dillon has a hat...

...Can't leave home without mine! Mesti glamour.

Thing is, after Day One, we got pretty burnt from the Cable Car trip. Yes, we forgot the sunblock. So we enforced the HATS ON policy on the second day. I love mine. So pink. RM20 from Labuan.

We had lots of seafood. Everyday. And while we downed the cholestrol, we chanted the mantra, "We're on holiday, we're on holiday" as if it would will the cholestrol away.

Chef's special lobster. Not too bad. We had this at a place called Little China. Now, an interesting story: We were initially at the restaurant across the street. We thought, "Wah so many people, must be good." So we sat down, waited a while for the menu to arrive. Next thing you know, we hear the owner scolding an elderly tourist couple, "I don't speak German or French! I don't understand! I don't understand!" and he snatches the menu from the shocked tourists. Okaaaaaay. He moves to our table and gruffly asks, "What you want to drink?" And we open the menu and go, "Hmm let's see..."

And he walks away. WTF.

Upon which we move to Little China. Much better. No shouting fat man. Less people. Faster service. Phew. On the second night, we tried out the Fat Mum Seafood Restaurant:

Not bad at all. Except the tom yam soup was super spicy and we couldn't finish it without choking. Oh ya, we also met Fat Mum herself. I didn't dare take a photo of her.

But my favourite bits of the holiday was just vegetating on the beach. Which is, I must say, really nice. Everyone pretty much leaves you alone. So I spent my hours on the beach with very good company - Dillon and Pink Vodka!

The sunsets aren't as brilliant as the ones in KK but I did like the fact they had daylight way into 8:00pm. I could lounge on the beach right up till dinner time!

What can I say. Langkawi was what I needed. My only regret is that we didn't stay an extra couple of days (Yes la Dillon, you were right :P). During one of our pool-dipping sessions, I also discovered the strangest thing: I cannot sink. For some weird reason, I keep floating. No matter how I will myself to sink to the bottom of the pool, my body does all it can to bob right up again.

To the point that Dillon, completely amazed at this point I would think, would have to PUSH me down so I would float up while we were doing our 'How long can you hold your breath?' contest.

Ah what can I say...I'm a floater!

So thanks, Dillon, for making me realise what we're all truly capable of, given the chance. I didn't know I could hold my breath that long (or short, haha). And as much as I hate heights, you're right: The view is beautiful from the top. The hike to the 7 Wells was torturous but again well worth the aching calves and sunburn.

And thanks for making me realise 'sinking' will never be an option for me. I'll always find a way to keep my head above the water. As will you.

Pulling the plug.

My friend finally quit her hair-pulling, teeth-gritting job. And I am so damn proud of her. It took her a while to finally pull the plug on her miserable job but I understand it's because she had a lot to consider - her husband and a family to support. But when push came to shove, it just took a toll on her and she finally said, "Job be damned."

Amen to that.

The job was pulling her down in more ways than one, sometimes in ways she didn't even notice. Her self-esteem was at an all time low, thanks to her egoistical, selfish and self-righteous employers. Going to work everyday was like anticipating a root canal appointment and I could just hear it in her voice. And she also had a baby on the way amidst the frustration.

So yes, she's finally leaving that hell-hole and I am so happy for her. Nobody deserves to have a Groundhog Day moment with their shit jobs. And it made me realise how many people HATE their jobs. If I got 20 cents for every time I hear, "I hate my boss! I hate my job! I dread going in tomorrow!", I'd be a millionaire by now.

Why do we let our jobs consume us? Our work should not define us - It's merely to make ends meet. Some people are so proud to say, "Oh wow, I pulled an all-nighter in the office" or "I bring my work home every night" - And they get defensive saying, "Hey, i have a lot of work and I can't finish it all at the office." Bah, ok lah. But when it becomes a habit, it's just plain sad. Isn't it enough we spend 9 hours a day, five days a week on an average, in the office? And I am in an industry where weekends are filled with entertaining people and attending mindless dinners where the conversations revolve around the superficial 'how are yous' and air kisses. Please.

I cannot fathom waking up filled with dread every morning at the thought of performing my duty. Walking into a building where I have to deal with idiots as co-workers all day. Or a boss whose sole purpose in life seems to be seeing how loud she or he can shout at his employees today. I know it's utopian but your job should be something you feel a sense of pride in. Something you feel committed to. Something you actually give a damn about. And I am not prejudiced - because even if that job is scooping poop off the sidewalk, I say DO IT if it makes you happy. Yes, get a job that pays the bills but seriously, that SHIT job you have right now, the one that makes you feel like the grime at the bottom of your shoe...Do you really think that's the ONLY job in world that's gonna help you make ends meet?

Don't start that "But the economy is so bad right now..." bullshit with me. I'm not asking you to quit your job and apply to be America's Next Top Model. Just consider the thought that no job is worth the misery you put yourself through, day in day out. Life is too short as it is and to be spending a majority of your time in an environment that's going to shorten your life even more....It's just no way to live.

You don't have to LOVE your job, just don't stay in one that you hate.

Picturegraphs!

Oh yes, I've kept myself busy. Or actually, life has a way of keeping you busy when you least expect it. So here's what's been happening,in random order, chronicled by my camera:


I'm so addicted to these. I don't know the name of these cookies but it's a type of Chinese New Year goodie. And my oh my, what a goodie it is. It's deep fried to perfection and smothered in some icing sugar thing. Painfully delicious. It's RM16.00 a tub but I got it free from the kedai kopi I was doing a review on. So nice the auntie.


Oooh a hen's night! One of my oldest friends, Michelle (she's the one in white) got married recently but prior to that, we had a lil' party for her. Dinner at Little Italy and then to Rumba. But alas, our hopes to get her stinking drunk was to no avail: Our bride-to-be was alcohol-free. And the Maid of Honour was on medication so NEITHER of them drank. Which of course resulted in the rest of us drinking. Say it with me: Backfire.

Alcohol or not, PAR-TAY was on the cards. My cousin Vanessa (better known as Chombe - that's pronounced ch-om-bay) going John Travolta on the left and Grace, the (wrongfully sober!) maid of honour, in the middle.

Congratulasi Michelle!

There was a NO BOYS rule but since we didn't exactly own the club...Look who we bumped into!

Ah yes. For Christmas, I decided to educate my nieces with this t-shirt.

Mi familia. So happilia. Post dinner at my sister's place during Christmas. This year I was the only one who didn't make the annual 'Christmas Speech' at the table. We have a tradition where everyone has to say something to the family on Christmas Day - usually a round of "I am grateful for..." and "I'm sorry for being a pain but I love you all". I was just too emo to say anything and was glad when my dad let me skip it this year.


So many people keep telling how much my sister and I DON'T look alike. But I think it's there. She's the only sister I've got and I love her to bits.

Haw's back! And in the spirit of Christmas, we had him over for dinner. Welcome home, Hawding.

I met up with my chicas! Well, missing a few more but I guess you can't have 'em all. Puei (left) is glowing with baby on the way and Carol is still the Professor of Crotchology (right). nyahaha.


My cousin Daphne (middle) got engaged on Boxing Day. To think I still envision her in her brown and beige kindergarten smock. And now she's gonna be somebody's Mrs. In the words of aunties all around the world, "Waaaah so big oredi!"

Peace out, y'all. More on the Fabulous Life and Times of the Fridaycat coming your way!

Wake-up call.

Wake-up calls come in all shapes and sizes. Mine came in the form of a medical report.

It's been an unfortunate month to say the least, hence the silence. I lost my wallet (highly suspect that it was stolen while I was in the gym) and over the weekend, someone did a hit and run number on my car. And then the medical report.

Strangely, I feel alright. Mishap after mishap, I've taken it in stride and if anything, I realised over the weekend, I've been sweating over the small things too often. Suddenly, lost wallets and banged up cars seem so trivial. What if I've been whining about the silliest things the past year while my life was slowly slipping away?

I am afraid. But as someone said on Grey's Anatomy (ya, trust me to quote TV at times like these), fear is good because it means you still have something to lose. It means you WANT to live. I refuse to let my mind get carried away but you can't blame me for imagining the worst. And the waiting. It kills me.

I am afraid. Because my life hasn't even started and I've wasted so much time. So I am going to let this wake-up call change my life in more ways than one. Happiness and time are so fleeting. Last weekend I realised there is a fate worse than death...

And that is not living your life when you had the chance to.

Friday frenzy. And then some.

I just thought I'd post a random photo today. I'm so glad I have my giflfriends to play futsal with every Thursday. It keeps us sane, sweaty and sex-ay!

Yesterday was another excellent session and win or lose, we always have such a fun time - injuries and scrapes aside. Classic futsal moment for the week:

Maps (from the sidelines): Missy! Block, block! (seeing the other team heading towards the goal)
Me: *panicking. runs towards the goal where Diana, the goalie (she's no. 8 in the pic above) is. But alas, the rival team scores*

Maps: Block the goal NOT Diana! (I turn to realise I was standing RIGHT in front of the goalie. BODO).

Hahahahahahaha, ok I was an idiot but it was still damn funny.

So it's Friday. I started the morning quite refreshed - probably because I went to bed at 10pm the night before. And I VOW to myself to get at least 3 articles done by today. But the minute I step into the office, it's e-mail after e-mail, request after request and filing after filing. Next thing you know, it's almost 11:30am and I have yet to write my first paragraph. Ok, breathe. All is not lost - There's still the afternoon to spare. And yes, I'm blogging because I need to get my writing engines running.

I've been going to the gym - as promised! - and I have my very own gym buddy/trainer. V is one of my favourite people in the world but she is a tyrant in the gym! But I say this with all respect and admiration of course. I figured, "Ah ok, i'll just do the treadmill for half an hour, use one of the fancy schmancy equipments and just lounge in the jacuzzi after that."

Not if V has her way.

She's been going to the gym much longer than me, that's for certain and her solid body is a testament to this. She's been showing me how to do weight training and thanks to her, I've discovered muscles I didn't know I had, haha! After 2 and a half hours in the gym, 3 days a week, with this woman, needless to say, I'm pretty sore in several regions. But on a good note, I do notice my stamina is improving and I feel more energized throughout the day. The only problem? I get SO hungry after each workout. Oink oink. Friday is another gym day. Wish me luck.

On another note, Chinese New Year is around the corner which means INCOMING RED PACKETS! I'm telling you: It literally PAYS to be unmarried these days. With this, I embrace thee oh singledom...

And the dosh comes in at the best time. Mel is packing her bags! Here's a hint:

Jangan jeles. One step in my resolution to have a fabulous year and to see more than the four walls of KK to keep myself sane.

"This year is yours."

It was the sms that started my year off right.

It struck me not as a statement. Not as a suggestion. Not a hopeful wish. But a prophecy. A foresight. Something that is to BE, no questions, no doubts. How empowering!

If 2008 was the year that knocked me down, 2009 will be the year to pick myself up. It IS my year. A year where I will put myself first, above all others. And even if I have to knock some people down, lose some (toxic) people in my life and unleash my inner bitch, I promise myself this will be THE year to get there.

I've decided it's not important for people to like me or approve of me. What matters most is for me to be happy. Even at the cost of making others unhappy, I insist on being happy. Enough with the people-pleasing. Enough with putting someone else's needs first. And I'm done with being obedient, dutiful and considerate. Geez, why don't you just bind my oriental feet already?

So that aside, I've got tons on my plate lined-up for the year and I am so fucking excited about it. Ah 2009, how do i love thee? Let me count the ways:

1.I've finally joined a gym.

2. I'm starting to write my book this year.

3. I am making plans to travel -I already have Perhentian on the list come CNY, but I might switch that to Phuket, pending budget constraints. Also in the pipeline: KL to visit my friends and shop like the world is ending, either Bali or Siem Reap and definitely happening this year, MANILA!

4. In that light, I'm back as Editor which means...MORE TRAVEL FOR WORK! I'm doing Mabul come Feb/March and gonna re-visit some oldies but goodies just for inspirations' sake - Kudat, Tawau, Sandakan, the mountain, jungle hiking, Miki Survival Camp (still thinking bout this one, leeches freak me out!), Pulau Tiga, deep sea fishing...Bring it on!

5. I am going to lose that stupid, stupid 5 kilos (I've lost two, three more to go!).

6. Make time to read more books.

7. I'm on a mission to save enough money by end of the year so I can quit my job and carve a new path - whatever that may be. (and no, I don't really care who reads this. People die and jobs change. Deal with it)

8. I'm doing a scrapbook. Ok, so this sounds like a menial job but it's symbolic for me.

9. Pick up a new skill - I'm already playing the drums (long way to go before Taylor Hawkins be jammin' with me though...), learn a new language, try a new sport, lick my elbow...Whatever lah, as long as it's new.

10. Change my wardrobe. I dunno if I can pull off leggings but this will be the year I find out!

11. Realise I am WAY above the little people who keep dragging me down. I am beautiful, talented, kind and smart - and nothing they say can ever change that. BOO to you, you sonofabitch, for making me feel otherwise all year round.

This year is mine.

Screw you, 2008.

Two days to go.

I've spent most of my so-called Christmas break alternating between two extremes: overdosing on the Christmas merriment that includes non-stop family affairs and parties as well as staying in bed reflecting on the year that was and the year its going to be.

And while almost everyone goes back to work tomorrow, I still have a whole week of absolutely NO WORK to go, nyeh nyeh. And what have I been doing? Cleaning the clutter - both literally and figuratively. I can't believe I still have eye shadow from circa 1998. Chinese New Year cards from two years back and clubbing receipts that tell of nights filled with overpriced beer. It felt so good to throw them all out. And I've made my decision to keep toxic people out of my life. Never mind toxic; even people who irritate me the slightest with their mere existence. I can't do the layan thing anymore. If I don't feel like oohing and aahing at your boring stories, I won't. And best of all - I'm not even going to feel bad about it.

I don't know what 2009 will bring. In fact, I don't even care. All I know is that -blessings aside- 2008 was a shit year. It will remained etched in my memory forever as a shit year. Filled with shitty people, shitty situations and shitty outcomes. But I must take responsibility for my actions and after boo-hooing all year, all I can do is hope I've learned a thing or two (fat chance, knowing me...). I DO intend to take more chances. Step outside my comfort zone and have more 'Oh alright, what the heck' moments. Seize the fcukin day.

And I'm gonna do it with style.

Frenzy.

Give me some time to gather my thoughts amidst the frenzy of the Yuletide season. Between shopping, wrapping gifts, organising family reunions and even a futsal game or two in betweeen, I am also pulling myself together. It's a lot of work.

This is either the calm before the storm. Or the calm after the storm. I have yet to decide. The end of the year makes you do crazy things and it's also the time we tend to entertain crazy thoughts. So I am going to sit still.

Very, very still.

Done.

Sometimes there is nothing more to be said and done.

And that is the hardest part about moving on.

Four freakin' thirty.

It's 4:30am and I can't sleep. My flu meds don't seem to be doing what they're supposed to do. So here I am, eating a chicken sandwich and logging on to see who else might be online. No such luck.

So what do you blog about at this ungodly hour? Beats me. I'm usually in la-la land dreaming of talking cats at this point. Moments like these remind you that despite being surrounded by people all the time and living in a planet with more than 6 billion inhabitants - We are completely alone. And if you aren't, you will be. No one sticks around forever. Death and circumstance ensure this. You'll be 'friends forever' until someone moves away, gets a new job, finds a husband, starts breeding, changes principles...You get the pic. Your siblings will eventually start their own lives. Your children will grow up and move on. Your spouse will divorce you or, eventually, meet the Maker.

Why do we bother with forming relationships? Because humanity thrives on hope and living the 'meaningful' life. Because we think our short time on this earth should be filled with accomplishments and finding the 'One'. When in truth all that becomes of us is that we return to dust and we become mere memories.

So yes, I believe now we are actually completely alone. It doesn't mean we have to be lonely. Hence, friends, family and lovers. But they all pass. We pass. So don't fret too much about what happens or who comes and goes in our lives - Nothing is forever. It's just a ride and eventually the wheels will stop turning.

I could use some sleep.

Finally.

It's been a long time coming but I'm finally sick. I have been waiting and waiting to get doggone sick and, yep, here I am.

I'm about to get a knockout flu and I can feel my head pounding. My throat feels like someone's been dragging a durian through it and my eyes keep tearing up. I don't know how to explain it but I am glad to be sick. Now I really have a reason to crawl into a hole, pass out and ignore the world.

Because "I'm sick, go away" is more acceptable than "Just leave me alone." No?

I'm gonna go wallow in my fluey disposition now.

News that screams, "Melissa, get off your lazy ass and write already."

Don't know if you guys read the news recently but a 9-year old boy has just published a book on (I kid you not) "How To Talk To Girls."

Figures: It takes a 9-year-old to tell grown men how to behave around women. Pfft.

Colorado native Alec Greven's book started as a creative writing project which found its way to a school book fair where his 'pamphlet' became a surprise hit (selling at USD5 per copy no less!). Long story short, boy creates hoo-haa, HarperCollins goes "Golly gee whitakers, let's give this boy 46-pages and a hardcover and BAM! he's a full-fledged published writer!"

WTF. His advice includes, stop showing off, go easy on the compliments and be wary of pretty girls. "It is easy to spot pretty girls because they have big earrings, fancy dresses and all the jewellery," says chapter three of his book. He's just described Dennis Rodman but I'll let that slip.

"Pretty girls are like cars that need a lot of oil." - in a few years, he's about to find out just how important lubricant really is.

And he also says, "The best choice for most boys is a regular girl. Remember, some pretty girls are coldhearted when it comes to boys. Don't let them get to you."

Okay, A) What constitutes a regular girl? and B) Some ugly girls are coldhearted too (talk about a bad deal). Good thing he's 9 and whatever comes out of his mouth is still cute.

Still, here's a kid who has spent a measly 9 years on this planet and has probably never heard of Vanilla Ice (that might be a good thing, actually) nor can he imagine a world before handphones and e-mail...But say what you want about him: He's got a damn book under his belt. That's one hell of a feather in his baseball cap.

Yes, this is another whiny entry so stop reading if you're looking for something happy.

I apologise.

If you have been reading my blog and I've somehow sucked you into my vortex of Eeyore-ness (read: showered you with my negative vibes), I apologise. I've been reading my entries over the past year and, yes, I know it hasn't been pleasant reading material.

Some entries are self-suffering. Others so full of resentment. A few that are borderline pathetic, if I say so myself. My blog has become my voice - my whiny, oh-woe-is-me voice. And you might be surprised but I hate it. I hate what I've become because I know what I can really be - And it's not THIS.

So please, don't think that I am enjoying myself here with all the drama. An old flame (more like a forgettable spark) loved telling what a drama queen I was. How much I relished - and thrived!- on a roller coaster life. That switching from calm and controlled to emotional and unmanageable (what am I, tangled hair?) kept my days 'colourful'. And that word, oh that one word that just gets to me to this day: VOLATILE. "I dunno why you're so volatile, babe," he'd say. Maybe cuz you call me 'Babe' *slap slap*

Contrary to popular belief, no, I don't enjoy the drama. I want a nice, happy, shiny life just as much as the next delusional person. And I do try. You know that whole saying about life handing you lemons, and then you make lemonade? Screw the lemonade. I'm the kinda person who would bake a fckuing lemon meringue pie given the choice. But this year, I couldn't get past squeezing the lemons because my hands were covered with paper cuts. (Plus, I suck at baking anyway).

So yes, Mel isn't so happy and shiny right now. But on the flip side, seeing everyone words of encouragement on my message board has made me realise what fantastic people still exist out there. People who do give a rat's ass about me. Even when I'm being a rat's ass :)

Don't get me wrong though: I'm not sorry - for I cannot be sorry for being who I am or for how I feel. But I apologise all the same.

The Reel World.

I've been on a movie spree. Because I need to escape the reality of my day to day existence. The fact is, I cannot stand going to work everyday. I dread the thought of opening my eyes to see another day, to serve, to fulfill, to care. On the outside, I crack the same jokes, make witty remarks and give as intelligent an answer where required. And I know I'm doing a fantastic job because people have been telling me how 'happy' I look again. It's easier to feign happiness than having to explain to people that the truth is I just want to crawl into a hole.

And it's not because I hate my job. I'm not in love with it neither but let's not get into that. I just feel an intense desire to break from the monotony of it all.

But.

The reality is I have bills to pay. Deadlines to meet. Bosses to answer to.

I digress. As I said, I've been on a movie spree. Alcohol doesn't do it for me anymore and it's tough on the wallet. DVDs on the other hand bring me to another plane of reality. Or fantasy. Depends how you want to look at it. So for at least 2 hours in my day - 120 minutes of my pathetic life - I disconnect myself from everyone, everything. Here's what's been distracting me:

Forgetting Sarah Marshall
PS I Love You
Mamma Mia! (I've got it on 'Repeat d isc')
Tropic Thunder
Righteous Kill
Quarantine
Phat Girls
Mission: Impossible III (yes, again. Seriously)

A couple of them are still on my 'To Watch' list. It doesn't matter if it's a sappy drama because it's nice to cry buckets over someone else's tragedy. And it's great to laugh out loud at some ridiculous slapstick moment which only Ben Stiller and Robert Downey Jr. as a black man can pull off. With Quarantine, it's the first time in a LONG time I could feel my heart palpitate and get heady over an adrenaline rush. And yes, how I wish I could break into song like Meryl Streep while reminiscing over a lost love.

I love watching movies. I wish I had more time in a day to do it. I wish I didn't feel sleepy by 9:00pm but I do because -the irony of irony- going through the motions during the day mentally, emotionally and physically drains me and all I want to do when my car pulls up the driveway is collapse on my bed.

And I want to get something off my chest: It irritates the shit out of me that when someone asks me, "What's wrong? Wanna talk about it?" and then I proceed to do so, that someone pooh-pooh's my problems and says, "That's such a small thing compared to what I've been through!" Enter pile of bullshit followed by, "Life gets better. You just need a man and some babies and you'll be fine."

*finger gesture*

Rant over. And so I'll keep watching movies. Because happy endings are so elusive in the real world. Plus, it's cheaper than shoe-shopping, safer than pill-popping and healthier than bar-hopping, no?

Abba bug.

I've been listening to Abba over the weekend and I'm going to watch Mamma Mia! again. I've never been a huge Abba fan but something just clicked and I can't get the tunes out of my head! My favourite has to be 'Winner Takes It All'. Maybe because the lyrics have a personal meaning for me. A fantastic song all the same.

I don't wanna talk
About the things weve gone through
Though its hurting me
Now its history

Ive played all my cards
And thats what youve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
Thats her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence

Building me a home
Thinking Id be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

The winner takes it all
The loser has to fall
Its simple and its plain
Why should I complain.

But tell me does she kiss
Like I used to kiss you?
Does it feel the same
When she calls your name?

Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low

The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

I dont wanna talk
If it makes you feel sad
And I understand
Youve come to shake my hand

I apologize
If it makes you feel bad
Seeing me so tense
No self-confidence
But you see

The winner takes it all
The winner takes it all......

Move over, Manolo.

I cannot tell you how many high heel horror stories I've heard (and experienced). So imagine how my world spun when I found this in my e-mail:

Snazzy? Not only but they are in fact rubber-soled, anti-slip and flatteringly flexible. Scandinavian company, SWIMS, invented these feet orgasms known as City Slipper heels for the practical yet stylish woman. SWIMS is actually known for making galoshes - yep big rubber boots to play in the rain with - but lo and behold, someone with exquisite taste and understands the heely dilemma came up with the City Slipper (chances are it was a woman, no?).


And on top of being super comfy, super safe and oh so pretty, the rubber soles features road maps of Paris, New York and Tokyo! Now you can be three inches taller in fabulous shoes AND find your way in some of the most fabulous cities in the world. Pure genius.


I'm a size five. Christmas is around the corner.You know what to do.

From Yo and Jer

What you should do:
1) Take a recent picture of yourself or take a picture of yourself right now.
2) Don't change your clothes, don't fix your hair...just take a picture.
3) Post that picture with NO editing.
4) Post these instructions with your picture.

There you have it. No photoshop. No fixing my hair. No touching up my make-up. Me in all my glory, basking in the shittiness of my life right now. Oh joy.

I won't tag anyone. Have a good weekend.

I was thisclose to seeing a male friend in a dress.

fridaycat13: can u be my maid of honour if i ever kahwin?

basket case: if you can get me a fitting dress hahahahha

fridaycat13: DEAL!

fridaycat13: wait, i cut and paste this first so i have evidence.

basket case: but make sure it's silver blue and everyone has to wear the same color hahaha

fridaycat13: oh don't u worry about that my friend

fridaycat13: for you, anything.

fridaycat13: JEREMY IN A DRESS. whatever colour u want pun buli

basket case: hahahahahaha...and the offer is only until december next year (1 year validity period) hahahahaha

fridaycat13: WHAT????

basket case: so...you still have time to go around and be desperate hahahahaha

fridaycat13: I hate you.

Life on hold.

My life has been on hold. Somewhere along the lines, someone pressed the pause button. I keep waiting for some epiphany, some mind-blowing lightbulb moment where I can go, THIS is what my life is supposed to be about. And now, after almost 30 years of existence, I realise what I've been putting my life on hold for.

I am that little girl - the one who loved the story of the knight in shining armour and revelled in the stories of happy ever after. I would pretend to put a towel on my head and put on my mum's high heels, imagining how wonderful it would be to be that princess bride. And I loved playing house. I always knew in my heart I would have it all - that breathtaking romance, the fantasy wedding, the happy ever after of me and my hero riding off into the sunset.

I am still that girl. Still wanting that passionate fairy tale of a life. Still believing that he's out there. But in my quest for that, I have paid a price by putting my life on hold. For me, emotional investments are by far the most rewarding. I have always prioritised relationships. Because I am one of those who believes if I have my love-life in order, everything else falls into place. And it has been true. I cannot complain about my career for sure - in that department I have been blessed. But even my career has suffered thanks to my relentless search for 'true love' or whatever you call it these days.

THIS is my epiphany. I am tired of this quest. Of putting my life on hold for 'him'. Time and time again, it has proved futile and while he goes on with his life, I have just wasted another precious portion of possibilities. I am an intelligent, talented and highly capable individual - only held back by my desire to find that 'someone', to have a family and settle into the domesticity of life. What a shame. I have given up opportunities to work abroad and keep putting off the dream of travelling and pursuing my studies. I wasted three years of my mid-twenties with a man who promised a future with me and after picking out potential schools for our unborn children and going on the hunt for possible homes, one day he wakes up and tells me, "I don't see a future with you." And then I embark on another relationship with a man who goes off to pursue HIS studies and adds another year to work on HIS career away from home. "It's just two years," he tells me. While I dutifully nod and wait for him to come back, like a soldier's wife baking pies in some 1950s kitchen, waiting for her beloved to stroll back home.

So yes it's just two years. But it's two years of MY life. It's not about someone being 'worth the wait'. It's about how my life cannot be based on 'waiting'. Five years of my life - in relationships that require me to wait. Five years? I could have finished my Masters degree, worked in a broadcasting company as I've always dreamed, taken up that job in Switzerland (yes I turned it down because I couldn't bear the idea of being away from 'him') and spent summers in Ireland.

But here I am. Bitter and waiting in KK. Still writing for a magazine, griping about my pay, grumbling about the typical Malaysian government-service mentality and worst of all, watching other people live their lives the way they want to - while my life is on hold.

My life is on hold. And I'm expected to keep it on hold because as I turn 30, supposedly it's time to think of 'settling down' with the right man. I don't need the right man. I need to 'unpause' my life and do the things I've always wanted to do. I will not live for the 'Hims' in my life anymore.

Stephanie Klein made me cry.

Because she says things I already know but need to hear. Because her timing is flawless. Because her words are the kindest cruellest things that hit home - hard. Because she is a complete stranger yet the only person who seems to understand what you're going through right now. Because she is the kind of writer I aspire to be. But most of all, because she is ultimately right:

Just because one person doesn't think you're right for them doesn't mean you need to change. It doesn't mean you're broken or damaged. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough or that you're some failure. It's ONE PERSON. I know you thought he was "the person." But he's not. He's a person. And so are you... your own person. You need to take care of her now. No one died and made him God. Your desperate, "I'll change all those things you wanted me to" attempts need to stop. You want to change something, then change your perspective. Figure out what led you here, and learn from it. Yes, you have shit to work on. We all have things to work on, and with the next person there will still be things to work on, sometimes the same things, sometimes all new anxieties or issues bubble to the top. It's never going to be perfect, but it's not supposed to leave you feeling like shit more than you're feeling like "the shit."
From 'Advice is What You Want When You Already Know The Answer', by Stephanie Klein, October 27, 2008.

Read the rest of this entry here.

The best worst news.

S: I got a job! I got THE job!

Me: What job?

S: The job! The one in Mabul!

Me: *pause* That's great! I'm really happy for you.

S: I can't believe it! I'm so overwhelmed....

Me: When do you leave?

S: Saturday.

Me: This Saturday?

S: Yep.

Me: You're leaving this Saturday?

S: Yes, I'll be there for a few months.

Me: Wow. This saturday huh?

S: Isn't it great?

Me: It is. I really am happy for you.

And I am. I am so happy for my best friend. I know she's wanted this job so bad and when I see the people I love deliriously happy, it makes me happy. I don't tell her this often enough but I never would have gotten through the year without her. She knows all my deepest darkest secrets. She knows what makes me laugh. And she's there when I need to cry - even for the dumbest reasons. She'll drive with me to McDonald's at 3:00am because I feel like having fries. She doesn't tire of my incessant ramblings about the same old things. And most of all, she lets me be who I am and reminds me that it's ok to mess up once in a while.

I am happy for you. Truly. But I hate you for being so wonderful that now it breaks my selfish heart that you're leaving. I know you'll be back but I'm so scared you won't. I don't have anyone like you in my life right now and I feel like i'm losing a limb. Things are so scary right now...I dunno if I'll pull through without you.

But believe me when I say I am happy for you. Truly. Because best friends love each other like that. Jaga kau if you don't come back.

Kurang ajar.

There is no reason to snap, yell, shout or scream at someone unless:
a) they are standing some 30 feet away from you
b) something is on fire
c) they are in imminent danger
d) it's a shouting contest
e) they are hearing-impaired (but even then, why would scream at a deaf person? Duh)

It's not nice. It's just not nice. I have an issue with a person (or two) who cannot seem to talk to me nicely. I keep telling myself maybe he/she just talks like that. With one of the persons (I'll call him Jack) I realise he memang is 'kurang ajar' (translation: rude. Mother never taught him manners) to everyone. He answers the phone with, "Mmm yes? What? ha?" Anything with more than one syllable is a huge effort for him. And although I keep telling myself that Jack is like that with everyone, it still doesn't make it alright. Especially when you are polite in the first place, right?

And then there's this other guy...I'll call him Ass (er...short for Assando, yeah he's Italian). Now, HE doesn't fail to sting me with his rudeness and callousness. And whenever I try to point it out to him by saying, "Hey dude, relax, no need to get so angry", he responds by getting angrier and saying, "I'm having a bad day!" or "I'm not feeling well!" or my favourite, "It's because of the way YOU are...You make me say things like this!"

Wow. Classy.

You know people who are always frowning when you talk to them? Like everything you say is SO ridiculous and you're wasting their precious time? And when you decide NOT to say anything for fear of annoying your friend (I use the term loosely) further, he gets all pissy and says, "Why? Why you so quiet now? Upset lah? Angry lah? Aiyaaaa see la you! So difficult!" I cannot win with this Ass. But what really really gets my goat is that he can be so bloody rude to me and in two seconds, call his other friends and sound like the coolest, happiest guy ever. And then he hangs up his phone, frowns at me, shakes his head and rants about how he's so angry about everything. Which of course translates to, "I'm about to be rude to you the whole day and i have a valid reason so you should be understanding if you're my friend."

Why do I bother? Because I have this eternal fixation to mend 'broken' people like him - because I always believe there's good even in the worst people. To pick his pieces apart like a watch and see what makes him and maybe, just maybe, if i can loosen a few screws here and there or fathom why the cogs move in such a way...I might be able to make sense of it all and realise he really is rude for a damn good reason.

But deep down, I know there never IS a good reason to be rude. My mother taught me better than that.

This is what keeps me going.

And this is what October brings...

A Christmas in the Jungle photoshoot. Jeez louise, what a nightmare to lug that tree into the hutan (heh poor Al). I handled the box while Jeremy carried a 'plastic bag' as we walked from the parking lot, across the beach and into the jungle under the blazing 10:00am sun.

Can you see us in the blue ball?

And then I saw a chicken at the Nature Reserve in Rasa Ria.

We attended Astrid's not-so-surprise birthday party. Heh heh. I sayang my cousins very much.

And then on the 22nd was Brian a.k.a Bumboy's 29th birthday. That's a LOT of candles. (ya ya ya i know I'm older than him). We were supposed to have the 'surprise' at a kedai kopi Chuan Hin near Hilltop but as I turned into the junction, about to park my car, I received a mayday sms from Chombe, "CHANGE VENUE! PIZZA HUT DAMAI!" Good thing I love these people or else. Also, I wish to stress the fact that cake and mushroom soup do NOT go together.

My brothers and I went paintballing. And i have the bruises to prove it.

Team Skyline! My cousin Bob, niece Francine, me and my brother Ted. Someone said "Smile!" when we took this photo. And i think we actually did. Bodo.

I often wake up to Blanket meowing outside my window, upon which I groggily let him in as he quickly finds a warm spot in my bed to plonk himself upon. And then he gives me*this* look as if I'm the one intruding HIS space. Geez.



Seeing that I'm not going to get out of MY bed to make 'room' for him, he jumps off, 'merajuk'-ing.

Malaysian celebs, Hans Isaac, Harith Iskandar and Douglas Lim were in town. We organised a press conference for them and took them out for dinner at Salut Seafood Restaurant. Here's a shot of me and Chris charming Hans with our natural good looks and finesse. And this is Hans totally digging us.

Two hours later, we find other means of entertainment. Ah yes, I can imagine what Hans was thinking: "Sabahan chicks are SO hot."

We hit a club and a pub and by 1:00am, I think all that seafood, interviews and travelling finally got to the guys. That's Hans in the middle and Douglas on the right. Spot the Sabahan who still appears sober after three bottles of JD. ( i know, this isn't the most flattering shot of them. Sorry boys, air brushing doesn't happen in the real world).

Today.

It has become such a rare occassion in the past year that I can actually say: I feel good today.

Maybe it's all the sweating I've been doing - futsal, a bit of netball (yes, don't ask) and squash. Maybe it's my super crazy schedule that involves dinner functions, interviews, photo shoots and meetings on top of my daily office work that's keeping me so busy that I don't have time to pull an Eeyore moment anymore.
Maybe it's hanging out with people who make me laugh.
Maybe it's because I talk to God more.
Maybe it's because I've cut down boozing and realise that being sober isn't such a bad thing, heh heh.

Whatever it is, today I feel good. And these days are so rare and in between that I wish I could capture the moment in a jar. Today, I feel like I can make it on my own and put my emotional crutches aside.

Tomorrow? Tomorrow is another story. But let's enjoy today, shall we?

Quickie.

I know you're sick of me going 'One step at a time' by now, heh heh. But I'm back to being busy - which definitely beats sitting in front of the computer, blogging about how depressed I am. I'll be back as soon as the dust settles. Which might be half past never. Thanks for dropping by. Stay tuned.

"We only got four seconds to save the world."
-Madonna and J.T on my speakers.

One step at a time.

You know that Jordin Sparks song? It's been playing in my head. Not that it's gonna make the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame or anything, but some songs just pierce your head now and then and stay there until it decides to exit.

But also because it should be my mantra to get me through the days. Things are rough. But rough, I have to tell myself, is a phase. And phases pass. Like any uphill climb, it's gonna get ugly and some days, you just tumble down 10 ten steps. But with persistence, dogged determination and strength, I can get there. Oh and a little help from my friends don't hurt neither.

I feel the need to do something drastic. Get a tattoo. Chop my hair off. Take up lessons in something I wouldn't normally do. Something most of you probably don't know is that I love playing the drums. I'm not good or anything, but when Haw was around (or whenever he comes back for a holiday), I get free 'lessons'. There is something so therapeutic about banging on them drums. And even more fun when Haw straps on his guitar and we jam. I feel like I'm in a band, haha! He's been meaning to pass the drums to me but I just don't see how I'm gonna sneak the set in without my parents noticing. Heh.

Something's gotta change. I'll get there.

Mel's month in photos

And so I've let August and September pass by. It's been a rough ride but here are my pleasure points along the way:

The Press Awards! Once a year, I love getting together with my ex-colleagues aka the journos of Sabah. Crazy monkeys but I wouldn't want them any other way.


Yolanda, me, Julia and a lot of wine. Ah bliss.


In case you don't know it yet, this is my after-work sanctuary where I enjoy a glass of red wine or the occassional cranberry vodka (or two. or three).


Weekend getaways with my girlfriends always promise the best moments. We laugh till we cry. And then we eat like there's no tomorrow and laugh some more. I don't know what I'd do without them.


We spent Yolanda's birthday at Langkah Syabas. This is Selina and Yolanda still in a celebratory mood at noon the next day. Either that or they're just delirious from lack of sleep.


I attended Jeri's wedding - one of the best ones I've been to in a long time! And the cupcakes were heaven. I'm so glad there was no wedding fruitcake, ugh. I miss spending time with Wil, Adrian and the boys. So I'm glad Wil and I are starting to have lunch together more often these days.

My dad's birthday means two things: Loud family reunions and lots of GRRREAT food. I heart mi familia very much. And I heart my dad's cooking even more. Heh heh.


I went on a secret holiday! Yep, I managed to take some days off, packed my bags and went to an undisclosed location. This is me being covert, heh. And don't bother asking me - I'm not gonna tell you where I went. I just really needed to get away from the hullabaloo of KK and its drama.


Jeri the effortlessly-beautiful bride! I'm glad chance brought us together to become friends because you are truly one of my favourite people in the world. You are my living hope that there's some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

I just had to put a shot of Toscani's Alio Olio seafood pasta. Punyalah sedap. Sprinkle a generous amount of cheese, a dash of tabasco and you're good to go. I love that it's light yet filling. Great. Now I'm hungry.

My drinking comrades. Boob juggling, hair twirling, beer guzzling - Our moments are priceless, I tell you.


Real friends cheer you up at the risk of looking like....this.

My chicas have my back. And I wish Pu and Carol would get butts back here more often. But I'm grateful for the brief moments we spend together. Terima kasih for putting up with my
ramblings and I know I can be stubborn sometimes, but I hope you guys keep pushing till I get it through my thick skull. I need you like that.

October has landed. Here's to three more months to what I hope will be a less fortunate and more forgiving year.

"I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
Still mad as hell
And I don't have time to go round and round and round."
-Dixie Chicks, Not Ready To Make Nice. Singing my tune.