Self.

Human beings are narcissistic creatures. And before you get all high and mighty saying, "Speak for yourself," I ask you to look in the mirror (ironically) and honestly tell yourself it's not all about the Me Party. 

Because it is.

And my thought for today is that it's not always a bad thing to put yourself first. It's like on the airplane, when the oxygen masks come down and they always tell you to put it on yourself before helping the person next to you. Because what good are you when you're oxygen-deprived and dead 35,000 feet up in the air, right? 

But back to the 'Me' issue. Recently, I've been thinking a lot about what defines us. What labels do we feel comfortable in and who imposes these labels on us? Society? Your parents? Yourself? When I got married, I naively believed that I would not change. That I would still be the exact same person I circa singledom. But now, almost two years into wedded bliss, I am struggling with who I am, who I've become and who I was. And I cannot even imagine who I will be!

Don't get me wrong - I entered marriage with the full knowledge of what I was getting myself into and I accept the challenges and responsibilities of being legally wed. But as I settle into a new pair of 'shoes' labelled 'wife' and 'potential mother', sometimes I find that they give me blisters.

This is for the simple fact that sometimes my selfish, narcissistic and self-involved side rears its ugly head. I would be lying if I said there weren't days where I simply want to be left alone, left to my own devices - which translates to gallivanting with friends with questionable amounts of alcohol, nicotine and raucous laughter, oblivious to time and space. Or simply pack up and grab the next career opportunity in a foreign land. But as fleeting as the desire comes, it leaves and I am thrust back into the throes of my daily life. Which - for the record - isn't always a bad thing. Stability does have perks, you know.

My point is, I find myself reflecting on who I was, my youthful aspirations, my gung-ho fearlessness and comparing it to a more subdued me today. Granted, I'm older and yes, thank God I don't still spend five nights a week getting drunk at a bar and beating myself up over a deadbeat boyfriend. But I DO miss my 'spark'. My independence, to an extent.

I know I risk sounding callous about my marriage and even ungrateful for my blessings. But I promise you that is not the sentiment I intend to portray. I love my husband and I count my blessings everyday. Yet, I cannot shake off the feeling that some days I feel like I am a shadow of who I was and who I thought I would be.

My Funny Valentine

Valentine's day rolled in and out with a casualty on my part, so that's a good sign.

The flowers, the cards, the declaration of love, the hand-holding, the hearts EVERYwhere. In my 30+ years, I have always found it difficult to get excited about Valentine's Day. And this from someone who cried incessantly over The Notebook.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-Valentine's day nor do I think love is overrated. I just cannot apply myself to the grandeur and commercialism of Valentine's day. In college, I hardly celebrated it with my significant other because I was either home for the holidays every February (I studied in KL, I live in KK) or it was just too heavy on the wallet for college students who were surviving on their monthly allowance. Plus, I had much rather spend that money on a good pair of shoes.

In my working years, it was never a huge occassion - either due to circumstance (work, travel, single) or budgetary constraints (ehem. The economy was bad). Still, it never mattered to me. And THAT baffles me. I'm a romantic at heart, I love a good romantic comedy even if it involves J.Lo and am a complete sucker for happy endings. So why doesn't Valentine's day make me want to declare my love while running naked in the streets? First of all, that might even be illegal. But the more I think about it, I think it's because I refuse to be TOLD that love in all its forms and glory must manifest itself in overpriced meals, flowers, chocolate and grand gestures in just one day a year.

Ironically, the romantic in me believes I should have the luxury of love and all that jazz 365 days a year. Why do I need to wait for that one particular day? And why put all that pressure on the guy too? I cannot imagine how many men have been rushed to the hospital for sudden increased blood pressure or injuries due to grievous bodily harm on Valentine's Day for not bringing their partners to the right restaurant, buying the right amount of flowers or - the kicker - proposing with a blinger. Before I get hate mail by women saying, "Hey we're not all that bad you know", let me say that I'm not finger-pointing or suddenly playing for the other team. I'm just saying thanks to the commercialized hoopla of Valentine's Day, expectations can be inevitably raised so try to cut your partner some slack. That restaurant, those flowers and the proposal are equally important any other time of the year. If he fulfills the criteria of a 'perfect' Valentine's Day, then by all means enjoy it, bask in it and soak in every rose petal moment. But remember, it's how your relationship pans out for the other 364 days that matter. 

But if he forgets my birthday, there will be hell to pay.

Stephanie Klein made me cry.

Because she says things I already know but need to hear. Because her timing is flawless. Because her words are the kindest cruellest things that hit home - hard. Because she is a complete stranger yet the only person who seems to understand what you're going through right now. Because she is the kind of writer I aspire to be. But most of all, because she is ultimately right:

Just because one person doesn't think you're right for them doesn't mean you need to change. It doesn't mean you're broken or damaged. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough or that you're some failure. It's ONE PERSON. I know you thought he was "the person." But he's not. He's a person. And so are you... your own person. You need to take care of her now. No one died and made him God. Your desperate, "I'll change all those things you wanted me to" attempts need to stop. You want to change something, then change your perspective. Figure out what led you here, and learn from it. Yes, you have shit to work on. We all have things to work on, and with the next person there will still be things to work on, sometimes the same things, sometimes all new anxieties or issues bubble to the top. It's never going to be perfect, but it's not supposed to leave you feeling like shit more than you're feeling like "the shit."
From 'Advice is What You Want When You Already Know The Answer', by Stephanie Klein, October 27, 2008.

Read the rest of this entry here.