Cinemetiquette

I went to the cinema last night. I love going to the movies, especially if it's clean, organised and doesn't smell like rat piss.

However, I strongly believe there are some people out there whose sole purpose in life is to make the whole cinematic experience for others a living hell. Please bear with me as I take you through the Top 10 ANNOYING people/habits/whatever in the Cinema:

1. Handphones: Come on, SERIOUSLY, do I even need to mention this? Some cinemas even put friendly reminders on the huge-ass screen to put your phone on silent mode or turn it off. And if you're an ignorant moron who can't read, the picture of a phone with a huge slash across it should give you a hint. Still, at some point, a phone will ring (an annoying techno buzz tone to boot) and people go," Oi, ssshhhh". But noooooo. The next thing you hear is, "HALLO? AH MING AH? I WATCH MOVIEEEE. MA KAI?"

2. Food other than popcorn/soda: I've seen people sneak in fries and burgers. Noisy sunflower seeds (kuaci). Even 'mangga jeruk'. But last night really took the cake. The movie was about to start and these four girls in front of me whip out their dinner. And when i say dinner, I mean rice with FISH and some veggie cooked in sambal. Who the fuck eats sambal in the cinema? You have to be stupid multiplied by 800 to do such a thing. The guys behind me were saying, "What is that smell?" Please refers to row F seats 12 to 15.

3. Yappers: The movie already has a dialogue and yet some people feel compelled to ad-lib.

Girl 1: "Nah you see ah...He's the bad guy."
Girl 2: "No, he's the hero tu. *pause* I think he's the hantu.
Girl 1: "Ya ya! Hantu dat, hantu dat."

Or the people who give running commentaries:
Girl: "He's opening the door..."
Guy: "He's looking around..."
Girl: "He's turning on the lights..."

Last night, I sat beside the noisiest yappers. The girl beside me had the most irritating laugh and expressions. She kept saying, "Oh-doi!" every few minutes. I wanted to oh-doi her with a slap.

4. Fidgeting: I hate sitting beside people who can't keep still. Leg shakers are the worst. Hey, bozo, the seats are connected so when you shake you hairy leg, you're shaking the whole row.

5. Children (accompanied by ignorant parents): I like kids. Especially when they're sleeping. I don't like them when they are running around in cinemas, asking a million questions about the 'bad man' or need to use the toilet for the 17th time. Another tip for procreators: Movies have ratings for a reason. Bringing your 4-year-old to watch 'The Hills Have Eyes' is a great way to ensure sleepless nights for the next two weeks.

6. Latecomers: You know that thing with a short hand and a long hand and goes tick tick tick? Use it.

7. Couples making out...In front of you: Two words - back row.

8. Souvenirs from the last show: I don't fancy sitting on mouldy popcorn or stepping on someone's spilt soda. Why can't people pick up after themselves? It's like dogs who need pooper-scoopers during their walk in the park. Clean up your own shit.

9. People in the wrong seat: This never fails to amaze me. I can understand if you get one seat wrong ("Oh sorry, you're right. This is J12, mine's J13"). But a whole row??? Tip for the Idiot: The letter on your ticket is your ROW and the number is your SEAT. Seat M10 does not mean 'Mana-Mana 10'.

10. People who give away the plot: Very likely to be Yappers (see no.3). So you've seen the movie 3 times and you know who the bad guy really is. Shut the hell up. You're not gonna get a pat on the head for giving away the plot.

If you are guilty of any of the above, do us all a favour and watch the DVD at home.