Mule.

Yeah, I know I'm stubborn. I know that deep down I know better. And yet I keep throwing myself against that brick wall. I don't know how I got here. And I sure as hell don't know where I'm going with this.

Soft-hearted and hard-headed. I can't think of a more self-destructive combination.

Tired.

Am back from the 22nd Mt. Kinabalu International Climbathon (i'm too lazy to explain, just google it heh heh). No, I didn't run up the mountain. It was for work. As it has been for the last five years.

The mountain air was a nice change although there moments where it got a wee bit too cold. And on the last day, I had to take an ICY shower at 5:00am because they ran out of hot water. How can you run out of hot water in a place like that? Imagine pouring ice water on yourself. Yeah, refreshing.

After a long journey back from Kundasang, I managed to catch my breath, take a shower and rush to attend the annual Shell Press Awards. It's always great to see my ex-colleagues in the journalism line - they always treat me like I've never left the press, bless them. And the free flow of alcohol didn't hurt neither. Unfortunately, I was so bloody exhausted and try as I might, I sneaked away from the crowd at 2:30 am. Yes, 2:30. And here I am at work today. Well, physically I'm here lah but my mind is somewhere in bed.

So I'm tired. Body, mind and soul. The past week has been really trying for me and right now I just want to collapse in bed and sleep till I can sleep no more. But for now, we still have one event to run this Thursday and then I can breathe easy. Wish me luck.

Faith.

Those of you who know me know that I am anything but an exemplary Catholic. I can't even remember the right things to say when praying the rosary and I can only recall 5 Commandments out of 10. Yep, if my Catholic practice is my ticket to heaven, I'm bound for quite a few stops on the way up (with the optimistic hope that's the direction I'm headed lah)

But God and I have a good relationship. When booze, ciggarettes and too many late nights offer little comfort, I go to church. Yeah, not quite the Christian-way but...like I said, God and I have a good relationship and He knows I'm difficult like that.

So last night I bought some candles and went to the Grotto. I lit my candle and talked to Mother Mary. I had a little one on one with God too. My 'angel' Pu told me earlier the other day that God is with us throughout our storms. That we are never alone. It's just that sometimes, we are not open to see Him there beside us. I was skeptical. If anything, I was more alone than ever.

And so I told the Big Guy: Seriously, I kinda need You now. If You are really there, show me. Tell me. Anything. And I promise I will open my heart to see You.

I sat there for about 25 minutes, waiting for mass to start (I was way early and the church was still locked). My candle flickered in the wind and not long after, it started to drizzle just as people started to fill in the church. So I made my way to mass.

A sermon, a hymn and a communion later, I make my way back to the car. The road is wet and I can still smell the after-shower. But in the darkness, I squinted and I couldn't believe what I saw at the Grotto.

My sole candle was still lit.

In the rain and wind, my candle stood there, flickering, unfaltering. I rushed to the Grotto, car keys dangling at my car and my bag abandoned on the pavement. And there, I cried. I cried, and cried and cried. And felt like a fool for challenging God and His presence. His faith in me has never wavered, even when I have sunken to the lowest depths.

I think I owe it to Him to return the faith.

He is there. I just had to stop and listen for a while.

Post No. 501

I just realised this is my 501st post on blogger. So yesterday was no. 500. hooray for me.

So they're telling me to go. To leave KK and all its glory. I've been playing with the idea for so long but there's always an excuse or two. No money. My family needs me. I can't find a job elsewhere. I have to finish paying the loan for my car.

Always something.

But an evening of cranberry vodkas and under a strangely red-orange sky, they told me perhaps it was time to go. "It's this place. You have to go. Start fresh," she said. The other one piped in, "But not KL. Never KL." What is it about KK that I love yet hate so much? All the best times happened here. But the worst times could also be found at every corner. And I was going through one of those again at this point in my life. But that what nourishes me also destroys me (to quote one of Angelina Jolie's many tattoos). All this familiarity breeding contempt. "Get a REAL job," my brother-in-law mocked me but in his endearing way. "I know you like what you do but you and I know, you could do much more. Somewhere else," he said. Perhaps I don't need to do more - only something different.

And when it comes to the matters of the heart, I wish I could just seal them all up in an air-tight bag and bury it between the crevices of 'never happened' and 'denial'. Why are my relationships all doomed? And I'm not finger-pointing here - I take full responsibility of getting bored and restless in perfectly healthy relationships and diving into less admirable ones. Yes, I am screwed up that way. My ex once said the reason I'm so unhappy is because I ache for the drama. Apparently, I WANT the tears and screaming matches and sweep-me-of-my-feet-make-ups. Now, that's a bit far-fetched lah...What kind of sadist does he think I am? I do enjoy the occassional break from routine in my relationships (who doesn't) and normally, in the form of a man who agrees to disagree. So sue me. I like a partner who isn't afraid to voice an opionion. Geez.

But I digress. I'm thinking of packing my bags. 3 months. 6 months. Maybe a year. I don't know. I just know I need to break out of this before I crack. Job be damned. I'll serve sandwiches and coffee if I have to.

Pills and spills.

I said it before and I'll say it again. I hate August. And true to form, it is finally starting to shit on me. Anyway, i've been away from the office for the last 2 days - i'll spare you the details - and have been pill-popping at home (for medical reasons la). A combination of sleeping pills and painkillers keeps grumpy Mel out of service for a while.

To keep my sanity in check, I've discovered a newfound addiction to this:

Still no idea what I'm talking about? GUITAR HERO III: LEGENDS OF ROCK baybeh! My nieces have a Sony Wii so needless to say...I've been occupied. You can rock to the tunes of Pat Benatar (I love Hit Me With Your Best Shot) and Heart's Barracuda. It has an excellent track list, including classics from Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, The Killers, Kiss, even Tenacious D! I played (much to my niece's amusement) till my left arm had no more blood rushing through and I think I pulled a muscle. I'm no where near as good as Francine (my niece) and I'm still on practice mode.
I found a pink one! Would love to get one of these fer real...

Basically, it's a 'sorta guitar' where you play according to the coloured chords. It's a lot to do with rhythm and beat and sometimes you start to get cross-eyed (well I do anyway). All good fun. Ah the things that keep me going these days...

TGIF my ass.

I've lost it.

My marbles? The zest for life? My sanity? Whatever way you package it, I've lost it. I really don't care for much anymore these days. So if i start to space out when we're talking or I look like I can't wait to get out of there...Pardon me.

I don't need any sympathy or help. Because people who claim to 'help' or 'hear' me out are usually the hypocrites who can't wait to tell the next person how screwed up I've become. I've realised that I'm surrounded by two-faced backstabbers at work as well. Yep, icing on my fucking cake. But you know what? I can't deal with all the haters right now when I'm busy trying to get my life back on track. The only thing that makes sense these days is a bottle of wine and a pack of ciggies (OMG YES I SMOKE! ALERT THE AUTHORITIES - god, get a life already).

I am surrounded by so many toxic assholes these days. People who just zap the energy out of me just by existing. I have to start eliminating these people from my life. So if I suddenly drop out of YOUR life, you know you are one of the toxic assholes I've been talking about, haha. As Greg Behrendt so poetically put it: "You already have one asshole. You don't need another one in your life."

I've lost it. But the thing is, I'm not interested in finding it again.

El Stupido

The Spanish olympic basketball team is under fire for a mucho mucho stupido move during a recent ad campaign.

The ad was for a Spanish courier company, which appeared in a local paper La Marca. Naturally, there's a huge uproar on how racist the ad is, mocking the Chinese community with their 'slanted eyes' pose. I mean, seriously guys. What are you - a bunch of twelve year olds? I don't know about you guys but making fun of the largest community in the world as you make your way to the Olympics which happens to be held in (well whaddaya know) China sounds like digging your own grave. Want an interesting twist? The Spanish team is sponsored by Li Ning Footwear - yes ladies and gents, a CHINESE corporation no less.

To add insult to injury, the advertisers and the team have no idea what the big deal is. Yep, not a sorry in sight. And eventhough they beat the Chinese team 85-75 yesterday, it was satisfying to watch the stadium boo their every move.

Shame on you. And you guys are bidding to host the 2016 Olympic games? Hah.

Gidiots.

Post secret.

As with every Monday morning, I make my way to PostSecret. And i cried when I read this:

"I'm so sure and scared. I'm always going to be that girl who is never enough."

It was like I was listening to myself for the first time. And I'm glad someone finally said it for me.

Things you'd save in a fire.

Family aside, i would grab my cats and handphone (simply because my handphone is right beside my pillow every night).

Honestly, if i really think about it, I can't think of anything more precious than my family or cats to save in a fire.

What would you save in a fire?

August.

August and I have not been on good terms for a few years now. I dunno what it is about this time of the year. It's like 31 Mondays all crammed into one month - each day shittier than the next. Ok ok maybe not all 31 days. More like...29.

Let me track back the years to prove my point:

August 2005 - My boyfriend of 3 years dumps me at a club in front of all my friends. I guess all that cranberry vodka he was drinking finally grew him a pair and there was no time like the present to drop the chocolate-covered bombshell: "I don't see a future with you." Cue running to the bathroom, cue breaking down in front of my friends and a bunch of strangers (not to mention some juniors from school - how mortifying). To be fair, we had been fighting non-stop the past month (damn you August!). Here's an excerpt from my August 2005 entry:

“I’d rather be with someone compatible than someone I love. And you and I are not compatible.” Heart slamming. Not a good feeling. - August 5th, 2005.

And the Curse of August was born.

August 2006 - Just when things aren't looking too shabby, H announces that he's leaving for Canada. And again my world tumbles. It's a month of the longest goodbye ever.

Seriously, I wish nothing but the best for him. If I had my way, I'd bring Canada here so he could study and I'd still have someone around to remind me my car's about to fall apart if I don't service it soon. - August 25th, 2006

August 2007 - I start to feel restless and frustrated with my job. I'm starting to lose my so-called passion for the job and it sucks. And I'm not coping well with H being so far away.

It's August and I just want the months to go as quickly as possible. Every morning, I wake up and sigh in relief that another day has gone. I know there will be a time when I want time to slow down but right now, I wish someone would push the fast-forward button already.

And my job. Ah, my job my job. The opportunities it has presented me have been fantastic, no doubt. The traveling, meeting people etc etc. But as a writer...Sometimes I don't know if I'm a 'writer' anymore. For the last four years, I've had to write a certain way and my fear is that I'm stuck in that 'way'. To an extent, I feel stifled. I love writing. I may not be the best writer out there but I love what I do. But after some years in the industry, who am I kidding...Writing doesn't pay the bills. - August 3rd, 2007.

And this year? Let's wait and see what August has up her sleeve, the little b*tch.

Random Wednesday

I started running again. More like walking really fast. Which is almost like 'running' in my dictionary. It felt good. And I was so exhausted that I slept like a baby that night.

What is the big freakin' deal with Miley Cyrus' photo shoot in Vanity Fair? (see left) I thought it was done rather tastefully - granted she's only 15. But hey, I've seen more obscene photos of teenage celebrities in glossy magazines. So everyone should quit whining about her 'scandalous' photo. Geez.

I'm hooked on Rainforest Tea ("100% natural zero pesticide Camellia Sinesis Black Tea")

I can't believe it's almost August. I can smell Christmas!

I bought three pairs of shoes in one go. That felt sinfully good.

I'm trying to cut down on my alcohol intake. The operative word here being 'trying'.

I watched Devil's Advocate again. Keanu isn't the greatest actor and I think Charlize Theron shouts too much in the movie but Al Pacino makes it all worthwhile. Still one of my favourite movies. "The worst vice is advice" - Al Pacino.

I also watched Sex and The City and like any Manolo Blahnik shoe, it was fabulous! I don't think most men would appreciate what the fuss is all about but hey, we don't expect you to. This one's for the ladies.

I dunno why I'm feeling it but I'd really like to have a baby. The husband bit - I'm in no rush. Probably could do without, haha. You know, if our society wasn't so judgemental and assholey, I'd have no qualms being a single mother. Hmm. Maybe I'll just get a puppy for now.

There are a few faces I'd love to slap as of late. Yes I'm feeling bitchy.

I labelled all my stationery in the office. STOP STEALING MY PENS!

I've been loaning people money and no one has paid me back. I hate asking for money. Can someone do this for me please?

Should I get a tattoo?

I wanna watch the X-Files movie. It's not going to win any Oscar nominations so I've heard but seeing Mulder and Scully reunite will suffice for me.

I'm having lunch at Pacific Sutera today with some contractors and then another appointment with the Indonesian Consulate. In the evening, I have a discussion on a brochure I'm working on with one of the wildlife sanctuaries and then I head home to my cats. After that, I plan to watch 'Definitely Maybe' on my pink laptop, read a few pages of John Irving's 'Until I Find You' and crash into oblivion, only to awake at 6:30 am the next day and sigh, "Shit. Here we go again."

"Engkau pergi, aku takkan pergi

Engkau menjauh, aku takkan jauh

Sebenarnya, diriku masih mengharapkanmu"

- Menjaga Hati, The Nuno & Yovie. Schmuck song of the moment. Disillusioned lyrics aside, it's a catchy tune.

I Believe Love Will Find A Way!

Hahahaha this should be interesting! Compliments of Jeremy :P Tunggu ko, banyak lagi tags coming up...

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player,MP3 player, your playlist, ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal.
6. You may continue on tagging others if you wish, and if you don't..you will not commit any sin or crime..so, be happy..This is just a game..

Question 1
If someone says: “Is this okay?”
You say: 'Always - Atlantic Starr' (wow, talk about being positive)

Question 2.
How would you describe yourself?
'The One You Love - Glenn Fredly' (mmm ya ya)

Question 3
What do you like in a girl/guy?
'Back To School Again - The Four Tops' (from the 'Grease' soundtrack)

Question 4
How do you feel today?
'Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5' (dunno who la. But i do feel as hopeless as the song, haha)

Question 5
What's your life's purpose?
'Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns n Roses'

Question 6
What do your friends think about you?
'Aku Bukan Untukmu - Rossa' (hahahaha ya, I can see them running a mile away while saying this)

Question 7
What do you think about your parents?'
'Pink - Aerosmith' - Pink is my fay-vour-ite co-lour! and yes I love my parents.

Question 8
What do you think about very often?
'Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton-John' ("I know I'm just a fool who's willllling...To sit around and wait for youuuuuuu" - ya story of my life. sialan)

Question 9
What do you think about your best friend?'
' Hey Jude - The Beatles'

Question 10
What song would you want them to play at your funeral?'
'Cool Rider - Michelle Pfeiffer (another Grease song)' - HAHAHA what an excellent song to play at my funeral! And everyone in leather jackets. Make sure ah.

Question 11
What's your biggest fear?'
'Burn - Tina Arena' (crash and burn. been there, done that...and still doin' it, hahaha!)

Question 12
What would you post this entry as?
I Believe Love Will Find a Way - Blessid Union of Souls (errrr yeah)

Ok tagalicious people:
1. May Leng
2. Caneelia
3. Kadazanbonita
4. Karmilla
5. Puei

Muah!

Off my chest.

You.

Yes, you. Pray, enlighten me. I hardly know you, and you hardly know me. Do you not have enough drama in your own life to stick your nose in mine? I don't understand how my actions bear any effect on your existence. Hence, why so nosy? My every move, my every decision and every word that comes out of my mouth are no concern of yours. I don't go around asking why you're sleeping with your best friend's husband. And I can't be bothered about your alcoholic dad who hits your mum every other day. It doesn't matter to me that you're up to RM10K in debt and it certainly doesn't interest me the way you blatantly suck up to the boss to get that promotion.

Suka hati lah.

Therefore,I ask you nicely to please mind your own business and realise that whatever I do with my life is no concern of yours. And if you don't like me for some reason, there is nothing I can do about it except hope that one day you'll pull that stick out of your bloody a$$ and find some other decent way to express your passionate dislike for me (knitting perhaps? If that fails, try jumping off a very tall building). Thanks for your 'concern' but this is my life - And I'll live it the way the hell I please.

Other than that, have a good Wednesday.

Yo's Friday Tag

Ok it's been a while and since I have time to kill...

**RULES***“The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.Each player answers the questions about themselves.At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged.Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.”***End***

Question 1: What were you doing 5 years ago?
(take out calculator because I am bodo maths). In 2003, I was still a reporter with New Sabah Times, covering general news, crime, sports and features - a fantastic learning experience. I also permed my hair and then when I got bored, chopped it all off into a bob. I was dating LK and blisfully happy. Five years ago? Life was good.

Question 2: What were the 5 things on your to do list today?
1. Lunch
2. Call En. Khairul to ask him to collect his souvenirs for Pesta Pantun 2008 (i know, i live a fast paced life)
3. Look for a birthday gift
4. Make another phonecall
5. Sleep

Question 3: What are 5 snacks that you enjoy?
1. Kuih lidah - this is a recent obsession, I don't know why. It's cookies made of sago and coated with icing sugar
2. My mum's corned beef sandwiches
3. Nacho cheese crisps
4. Batang buruk - you know that Hari Raya cookie? oh wow. punya sedap. Despite the name.
5. ok ok something healthy...Banana....fritters. EXTRA crispy and panas panas!

Question 4: What are 5 things that you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Pay off all of my family's debts and mine (boring stuff out of the way first...)
2. Travel with people I love. Five star all the way.
3. Shop like there's no tomorrow - for me, my friends and family.
4. Open an animal shelter.
5. Help my alma mater - seriously, when are they ever going to get cracking on that new St. Francis Convent Secondary School building???

Question 5: What are 5 jobs you've had?
1. Clinic aid - I worked for my brother's clinic as a receptionist/nurse/drug-packer. haha! I'll never forget getting on my knees and cleaning up puke at 9:30am.

2. Reporter with New Sabah Times

3. Product Executive with The Body Shop - I miss all the free stuff!

4. Editor/Senior Publicity & Publication Executive for Sri Pelancongan - tourism stuff. Best job ever.

5. Events Executive - still in the tourism line.

Tagged ones? Karmilla, Jeremy, Caneelia, May Leng and...Melina! Get cracking.

Up and about.

Hi gang. Been running around a bit to Kuala Penyu and then Kuching for the Rainforest World Music Festival and now I've got three events to help coordinate. Soooo...Just trying to find my bearings for a bit. Be right back!

Thought for the day:
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
"If I can't find a way, I'll make a way"

Today's thought

Sometimes the things you want are not exactly the things you need and the things you don't want in life is exactly what you need.

That's my spot

How do I know my cat is the boss of me? Because I come home from work to this:

Blanket on my blanket.


But last week took the cake when Blanket strolled to his favourite pillow and found a suitcase on top of it. Did that stop him from taking his afternoon nap?










Nope.

Change.

We can't be 15 forever. And although we say we'll always be friends, I know how life can get in the way sometimes. Jobs switch, ideals evolve and hairstyles change. I miss the simplicity of our friendship. When hanging out was just a phonecall away and drunken Friday nights were spontaneous.

I know in principle, we want to be there for each other every step of the way. And I know when you can't answer my call, it doesn't mean you don't care. I hope you know it works the same way vice versa. There aren't many people I can make 3am calls to and I highly doubt they'll understand why shoe shopping is the answer to all bad days.

I miss the time we spend together. Laughing about everything and nothing. Truth be told, we've all hardened and turned cynical - maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. We've all become realists and happy endings are utopian ideals. Lord knows we've had our share of bad skin, mortifying office moments and questionable men. I know some parts of us have given up on each other - and although that's kinda sad, I guess it's part of growing up.

I miss you guys.

Temporary Highs.

I don't know much these days. I've kind of given up on figuring out things. The hows and whys and even the what ifs. I've spent too many nights awake trying to make sense of a lot of things and I wake up the next morning only to repeat the day's cycle. It's pointless really.

I'm not depressed but I'm not exactly doing cartwheels neither. And people say I should 'talk' about it. Talk talk talk talk...i'm so malas to even hear myself talk, what more those around me. Plus, I've always been afraid of being judged especially by those closest to me. The only person I know I can turn to without fear of judgement is my sister (simply because she's bound to me by blood for life and obliged to be on my side no matter what a piece of shit i'm turning into, haha).

Maybe we should just package it in a pretty little box with a big red ribbon and call it a 'Quarter Life Crisis' - how original, I know. The only think I can count on right now are temporary highs. And that includes:

1. A drink and a laugh with good friends after work

2. Good food

3. A good movie

4. Sex (hey, wishful thinking ok)

5. Playing with my cats

6. Shopping

7. Getting enough sleep

...oh wow I can't even think of 10 Temporary Highs - any ideas? Life is as good as it gets right now. And I'm not complaining - after all, you get what you give, no? I leave you with a horny photo:

Nyahaha.

The Break Up

It was just one of those random nights where I had nothing better to do but channel surf. And this movie popped onto my screen. I'd seen this before but I figured I'd watch the first ten minutes and then go watch paint dry in my room or something. But I ended up watching the whole thing.

Just to recap, the movie stars Jennifer Aniston (she is in disgustingly great shape here, dammit) and Vince Vaughn. It starts off with them meeting, and the next 4 minutes are 'photo clips' of them throughout the course of the relationship and then, of course, the inevitable break-up.

I don't know why, but I was so mesmerised throughout the film. With every cliched accusation ("I ask you to do one thing and you can't even do that right!") and painful revelation ("I deserve so much better than this - than you"), I felt myself flung back to every bad relationship moment. And eventhough it's supposed to be a 'romantic comedy' (but really, where is the romance and comedy in a break-up?), I found myself choking up. It's like watching a horrible train wreck happening right before you and there is nothing you can about it.

And the most poignant moment is of course when Jennifer's character is sobbing alone in her bedroom after her final attempt to make peace proves futile and Vince walks in - and for the first time, he doesn't act or look like a first class jerk. He just stands there, broken to see HER broken. And for a split second, you let out a little gasp and think, "omg, finally they realise how much they love each other!" Jen then bawls her head off and says what she should have said an hour a half of the movie earlier to avoid all the drama: "I feel unappreciated. I just wanted you to say thank you for once." And Vince goes, "Why didn't you just say so?" And she says, "I have been but you never seemed to get it!" (I'm ad libbing here but you guys catch my drift...).

That's when it made me realise: There's a great lesson to be learned here, both men and women.

Ladies, sometimes our diplomacy gets the better of us, especially when it comes to men. So be blunt for once and just say what you want right there and then. They're not mind-readers and dropping all the hints in the world is like stripping for a blind man - a waste of time.

And guys, stop being a class-A jerk sometimes and show some appreciation for your lady. It takes a simple thank you, a hug or even better, a shopping spree (haha). But seriously, what matters more is sincerely having that sense of appreciation for someone you love. You can't fake that - so don't even try.

Why don't we all just say what we mean and mean what we say? Why do so many women sell themselves short? Why do guys only appreciate things once they've lost them? Why did this movie bug me so much that I'm compelled to blog about it?