Mel's month in photos

And so I've let August and September pass by. It's been a rough ride but here are my pleasure points along the way:

The Press Awards! Once a year, I love getting together with my ex-colleagues aka the journos of Sabah. Crazy monkeys but I wouldn't want them any other way.


Yolanda, me, Julia and a lot of wine. Ah bliss.


In case you don't know it yet, this is my after-work sanctuary where I enjoy a glass of red wine or the occassional cranberry vodka (or two. or three).


Weekend getaways with my girlfriends always promise the best moments. We laugh till we cry. And then we eat like there's no tomorrow and laugh some more. I don't know what I'd do without them.


We spent Yolanda's birthday at Langkah Syabas. This is Selina and Yolanda still in a celebratory mood at noon the next day. Either that or they're just delirious from lack of sleep.


I attended Jeri's wedding - one of the best ones I've been to in a long time! And the cupcakes were heaven. I'm so glad there was no wedding fruitcake, ugh. I miss spending time with Wil, Adrian and the boys. So I'm glad Wil and I are starting to have lunch together more often these days.

My dad's birthday means two things: Loud family reunions and lots of GRRREAT food. I heart mi familia very much. And I heart my dad's cooking even more. Heh heh.


I went on a secret holiday! Yep, I managed to take some days off, packed my bags and went to an undisclosed location. This is me being covert, heh. And don't bother asking me - I'm not gonna tell you where I went. I just really needed to get away from the hullabaloo of KK and its drama.


Jeri the effortlessly-beautiful bride! I'm glad chance brought us together to become friends because you are truly one of my favourite people in the world. You are my living hope that there's some sort of light at the end of the tunnel.

I just had to put a shot of Toscani's Alio Olio seafood pasta. Punyalah sedap. Sprinkle a generous amount of cheese, a dash of tabasco and you're good to go. I love that it's light yet filling. Great. Now I'm hungry.

My drinking comrades. Boob juggling, hair twirling, beer guzzling - Our moments are priceless, I tell you.


Real friends cheer you up at the risk of looking like....this.

My chicas have my back. And I wish Pu and Carol would get butts back here more often. But I'm grateful for the brief moments we spend together. Terima kasih for putting up with my
ramblings and I know I can be stubborn sometimes, but I hope you guys keep pushing till I get it through my thick skull. I need you like that.

October has landed. Here's to three more months to what I hope will be a less fortunate and more forgiving year.

"I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
Still mad as hell
And I don't have time to go round and round and round."
-Dixie Chicks, Not Ready To Make Nice. Singing my tune.

Off days.

I feel alright on most days. My crying bouts have reduced to 3 times a week. I don't need so much alcohol to feel 'better' anymore. I can get by most days without thinking about depressing things. I haven't had a sleeping pill in almost 3 weeks. I'm getting there.

Instead, I play more squash to release my agression. I go to church after work as often as possible to quiet my thoughts. I spend time with selected friends who I know will make me laugh. I make plans everyday to ensure I'm not sitting in my room alone, choosing the best hymns for my funeral (haha).

But I will have off days. And I know these 'days' the moment I wake up. It just hits me like a sledgehammer and from that second, I just start to slide downhill. And no squash session, church visit or round of beers is gonna pick me up.

Sunday I had an off day. I hate it when that happens. And although I know talking about it will help, I couldn't pick up the phone to call my usual confidantes because I think they deserve a break as well. So I had a good sob-fest, washed my face, went to a party and enjoyed my beer. Small efforts can be huge triumphs on days like these.

My bed of roses.

A couple of weeks ago, you sent flowers to my office. My favourite, pink roses! And more than a dozen of them. Any woman claiming she doesn't like receiving flowers is like a dog saying he doesn't like his tummy being rubbed. So yes, it certainly pasted a smile on my face for the rest of the day. And what timing. I was having a rough, rough week and the flowers was the pick-up I needed.

Thank you for reminding me life is indeed great and I just need to stop and smell the roses sometimes. You didn't sign your name and I still have no idea who you are. I want you to know your thoughtfulness and effort did not go unappreciated. For the first time in a LONG time, I felt truly beautiful and worthy of someone's attention. You're an angel. Thank you.

On a roll.

Contrary to popular belief, 'free time' is not good for the mind, body and soul. For me, it leads to excessive consumption of alcohol, too much nicotine and, worse, over-analysing. So, I've turned to my first love: Books.

I'm currently reading five books at once - so no room for monotony and boredom here. Apart from talking things out to death with my chicas and breaking down at the most inappropriate moments (Yesterday, I couldn't untangle my phone cable and in my frustration, I started to cry. Yes, in the office. Can someone give me a hormone transplant please?), I've discovered that reading can be just as therapeutic. Note: It depends WHAT you read of course. Romance novels and stories of animals dying are not recommended.

So here's what's been taking up my time:

1. John Irving's Until I Find You - I have been reading this FOREVER and have yet to finish it. Not because it's not a good book, it's just that I keep picking up other stuff to read when I'm on the go because this book is a bit....fat to carry around. Heavy bah. Irving is one of my super duper favourite writers and his best novel in my opinion is The World According to Garp (read, read!). Anyway, this book i'm reading now revolves around an actor named Jack Burns, the bastard son of Alice a tattoo artist. Basically, he spends most of his life in search of his father - a mysterious character who is nothing but a concept to him for now. I dunno what happens yet but stay tuned!

2. Thick Face, Black Heart by Chin-Ning Chu - I've read this book again and again and now I'm adding another 'again' to that list. The book promises to teach you how to:
- fight back when you have been wronged
- Find your inner warrior and conqier your path
- Claim your natural right to dazzling wealth (wow...DAZZLING some more)
- Unchain your primitive killer instinct for a life-affirming cause
- Apply deception without sin to win the deal you want
- Dare to succeed by cultivating the courage to fail
- Transform your negative qualities to your advantage

Muahaha...With this book I will conquer the universe! Ok seriously, I love this book. Don't worry, it sounds more preachy than it really is. What I like most is how practical and applicable the advice is in everyday life. And it's so inspiring that it makes me wanna go out and buy a sword! I AM A WARRIOR!

3. Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide For Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce or Loss of a Loved One by John Gray PhD: Yes, this book has 'Boo hoo' written all over it. But right now, it helps. I can't help but wonder, can you imagine being married to John Gray? This guy seems to have all the answers about men AND women, it would be impossible to argue with him.

Wife: Honey, you didn't take out the trash like I asked you to!
John Gray: I know this makes you feel like I don't care or love you. But actually I am just operating differently as a man, as a resident of Mars. What may seem like an important act of responsibility to you, actually holds little significance in terms of how much I love you. It's just that I may express it in a different way...
Wife: *rolls eyes* Here we go again.

4. He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tucillo - What do you mean you haven't read this???? Any living, breathing, heterosexual woman MUST read this book at least once in her life. Greg and Liz wrote and were consultants for Sex and The City - need I say more? There are so many: OMG why didn't I think of that? moments in this book. One of my favourite lines in the book is: You already have one asshole. You don't need another one in your life. Poignant and straight to the point. Fantastic read.

5. It's Called a Break-up Because It's Broken by (you guessed it) Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt - Greg teams up with his wife to remind you what a SUPERFOX you really are! This book became my bible during the demise of a 3-year relationship with you-know-who. Greg and Amiira stress that you are lucky to be rid of him if:
1) He cheated on you
2) He belittled you
3. He frequently blew you off
4) He owned a Kenny G CD
5) He had a girlfriend
6) He had a boyfriend

haha. How can you not love this book? Sometimes, you gotta learn to laugh at the tragedies in life in order to live again.

Read anything good lately?

Point form.

It's Monday morning and I need to jumpstart my brain. Full paragraphs seem like a lot of work so I'm gonna go point form in hope that I'll eventually be able to join coherent sentences by the end of the day:

1. My weekend was good. Saturday evening I had to play emcee to a cultural show at Le Meridien but all was good because it was followed by cranberry vodkas at the Waterfront with Yo.

2. Spent Sunday with the girls and Julian, a college friend from KL who was in town to work (who later discovered KK did not just entail Kolombong - his 'station' during his work trip to Sabah). Haha. In the evening, I traipsed 1 Borneo with Sel and managed to walk away from Charles & Keith before any real damage to my wallet was done. I did buy clothes from Nichii though. Ah well.

3. I need to change my USD currency ASAP. The US economy is going to the dogs and I'll be damned if my US dollars devalue before I can spend it deservingly!

4. Time to pack up and re-organise as I transfer to my 'new' job next week.

5. I'm not sleeping well. Again. This morning I woke up at exactly 4:18am. This has to stop.

6. I forgot to remove my church candles from the car and parked it under the sun. You do the math. Does anyone know how to remove the waxy residue from my dashboard?

7. I learned that when you have a problem, there are some friends who will hear you out time and time again and some friends have their limits. And that's okay. You just have to differentiate the two.

8. My eyes are so heavy right now, it's not funny.

9. And to you: I know it hurts right now and everyday is a challenge, but believe me when I say the pain will stop eventually and he will be just a distant memory. Your favourite mistake :)

10. Prayer is the only thing keeping me going these days. I am grateful for my faith: Forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us (if only it was that easy, but trust me Lord, I'm trying).

Thick Face, Black Heart

"The grass bends easily in the wind. The great oak stands unmoved. A strong wind can uproot the oak, but no wind, however strong, can uproot the grass that bends flat before it."
-Chin-Ning Chu, Thick Face, Black Heart (so yes, be like the lalang)

I'm re-reading this again because I think I need to. If you haven't, I suggest you do.

What's love got to do with it?

My last few weeks have been profound, punctuated by eye-opening events and cruel yet kind slaps in the face. (God certainly has the strangest ways to communicate with me, I'll tell you that).

Hence today, I want to talk about that dirty four letter word: Love. Ah yes, all that world-spinning, earth-tumbling, heart-warming mumbo jumbo. It's nice kan? And me of all people, I LOVE love. I love being in love. I love being loved. The whole Love Parade - that's me in the front.

But 29 years on, I'm whistling a different tune. Sure I still smile at the thought of love and all it's glory. But over the past few months and after several events within the past two weeks, I've decided: It's not meant for me.

I have not turned my back on love - I fully believe in how great it is. Yet, my bitter pill to swallow is the fact that I am not meant for this thing called 'love'. Or romance. Or whatever colour you want to paint it. It's a pity because I've noticed I'm pretty damn good at it. I've knitted scarves, sent flowers, whispered sweet nothings and thrown surprise birthday parties just to see him smile - All in the name of love. Oh yes, I've been there. And, at the risk of tooting my own horn, I am very good at it.

But just because you can sketch a darn good portrait doesn't mean you should be an artist, right?

And that, my friends, is my deal with this whole 'love' thing. Yes, I want it. Yes, I'm good at it. Maybe I even deserve it. But I've decided that I'm not going to get it. And I'm not going to pursue it. I am resigned to the fact that I will not have that great love story to tell and nobody is going 'sweep me off my feet'.

As much as love can build and lift you up, it can also destroy and break you when taken away. I may be a romantic but I refuse to be foolhardy any longer about love. I am not taking that risk. So let's be practical about 'love'. For those 'in love', don't give your all - save a piece of yourself for your own sanity in case your picture perfect world comes tumbling down.

And yes, I plan to get married and have a family. But I will not marry for love. It's because I want to have a family. And I will marry a friend, who understands me and will give me the space I need. I will be a dutiful wife. I will do all the right things a wife and mother is expected to. I will love my husband as a wife is expected to. We'll grow old together and people will say what a wonderful marriage we had. And of course we did - Smart people marry their best friends, not their best lovers. (So yes, I'm sorting out a practical list of who would make a good candidate - I think i found him and I'll need to make an arrangement to see if he's agreeable).

But I will not let myself be 'in love' ever again.

FridayTag13

What's a good way to start your Friday morning? Do mindless questionnaires!

1. The person who tag/pass you is?
Merry Jerry

2. Your relationship with her/him is?
Fellow gidiot.

3. Your five impression of her/him?
Smart-ass giant. But for a change, someone I don't have to explain my sarcastic remark to over and over cuz he gets it (ok sometimes la, haha)

4. The most memorable thing she/he had done for you?
Tell me I'm better off without 'certain people in my life' (granted it was a drunken moment but it's nice when friends care)

5. The most memorable thing she/he had said to you?
Refer to above. (see, I can be nice)

6. If she/he becomes your lover you will...?
Need to get a much a bigger bed. Giant.

7. If she/he becomes your lover, thing she/he has to improve on will be?
Learn to appreciate blonde moments, hahaha!

8. If she/he becomes your enemy, you will...?
er, not really like him anymore?

9. If she/he becomes your enemy, the reason will be?
He ate my cat.


10. The most desired thing you want to do for her/him now is?
Beat him at squash.

11. Your overall impression of her/him is?
"Wow, what a tall gidiot!" hahah ok ok besides that, a fun guy, up for pretty much anything and an entertaining conversationalist. He may be a gidiot (takes one to know one ah...) but he's the smartest gidiot I know :D

12. How you think people around you will feel about you?
WILL feel or presently feels about you? Teruk juga ni soalan...gramatically confusing. I dunno la, I think some people can't stand me and some people are okay with me. You can't win 'em all. Their loss, haha!

13. The characters you love of yourself are?
(The characteristics you love about yourself are... ->Sorry ah, just being anal about the sentence structures). Ok let's see. I try to be as diplomatic as possible about everything even people are real a-holes to me. And i like that I'm left-handed - so what if I tulis terbalik.

14. On the contrary, the characteristics you hate about yourself are?
Soft-hearted, hard-headed, indecisive, not jantan enough (i need to learn to be more insensitive and have a 'whatever' attitude).

15. The most ideal person you want to be is?
Melissa Leong but taller. Haha.

16.For people that care and like you, say something to them :
HAPPY HOURS AT THE LOFT! and thanks for being my rakan-rakan seperjuangan. You are all so lawa mau mati.

17. Pass this quiz to 10 persons that you wished to know how they feel about you.
(ok i assume they don't have to have blogs...)
-> They are :
1) Sel
2) Carol
3) Puei
4) Yolanda (yes again, but u don't have to do because you're special like that)
5) Jerry (ya la, hantam saja la...I don't know that many people ok)
6) Lester
7) Johnny Depp
8) Haw
9) Mia
10) Shan

18. Who is no.6 having relationship with?
That i know of? Macam teda.

19. Is no.9 a male or female?
Chica!

20. If number 7. and 10 are together, will it be a good thing?
Bloody hell, punya sia jeles if they got together!!!!

21. What is no.2 studying about?
Crotchology.

22. When was the last time you had a chat with no.3?
Yesterday.

23. What kind of music band does no. 8 like?
Rock! Foo Fighters and Nirvana are his favourites. Nyeh nyeh I so pandai...

24. Does no.1 have any siblings?
Yep, dua abang, satu kakak.

25. Will you woo no.3?
Nah. She's married.

26. How about number 7?
WOULD I EVER!!! (hey i din plan to put Johnny as number 7 ah...random, random)

27. Is no. 4 single?
Dunno la if she's still with Hugh Jackman.

28. What is the surname of no.5?
Kabinchong. (how can you forget a surname like that?)

29. What's the hobby of no.10?
Fine wine and good company :) did i get this right?

30. Do no.5 and 9 get along well?
Mia and Jerry? Belum jumpa lagi but I think buli lah tu.

31. Where is no.2 studying at?
Insitute of Crotchology, Kuala Lumpur.

32. Talk something casually about no.1?
She is my Papat in crime.

33. Have you tried developing feelings for no.6?
Er, ok, been there done that, haha! We dated for 3 years, enough said.

34. Where does no.9 live at?
In England. Ya ya pi jauh jauh lagi...

35. What colour does no.4 like?
Wow good question. Ala Yo, putus hubungan la if I dunno the answer kan...Ok ok, i guess ah. Blue?

36. Are no.5 and 1 best friends?
They both like puppies - how's that?

37. is no.7 the sexiest person in the world?
OMG ... punya lah ngam.

38. What is no.6 doing now?
It's 9:25 am. Probably baru sampai office or stuck in a jam (tulah, kerja di KL lagi). Or having cha sau for breakfast.

Hahahaha funny juga oh...Bah, tag yourselves. I look forward to reading the answers.

Blessings.

It's so easy for us to lose sight of the good when you are constantly focused on the bad. In perspective, 2008 has proved to be one of the most challenging years of my life (and it's still September. Bring it on, October-November-December!).

So today, I am going to count my blessings.

1. I have my health

Okay so I'm not an Olympian and my idea of exercise is moving from the couch to the fridge. But I am healthy and normal (don't start...). My limbs are fully functional and I am not in agonising pain. Every breath I take is a pure miracle. Be grateful.

2. I have the best family in the world.

My darling niece Leilana and her Oggie.

My annoying brother Johann (who I really love to bits anyway, dammit) and beautiful Lola who spoils her grandchildren rotten!

We're far from perfect. But my parents have shown us more than 40 years of what a good marriage is. My siblings and I have been through thick and thin together; we've seen the best and worse of each other. But family means never giving up on each other and I know even when the world turns against me, I have them right by my side. And over the years I've realised how fiercely protective they are of me - which is both a good and bad thing, mind you. I guess it comes with being the youngest. The eldest, Ted, has been my source of sage-like wisdom and drugs (I knew medical school would benefit us in the end). My sis, Carmen - or Wen as we call her - I feel is the strongest of us all, because of all the adversity she has gone through and I can always count on her when I need an emotional outlet or to drink myself blind (she has quite the bar at home. Bless her!). Johann has been the typical pain in the neck brother whose life mission seems to be, "How can I irritate her today?". Yes, even though he's 34 and I'm 29, we still play "The last one to touch Dad while he's fixing the car is a monkey's butt." I dunno why I layan but I just cannot resist his stupid dares. That aside, I go to him when I need to be slapped silly with sense. He's cruel in the kindest way.

Papa and Mama Leong, heh heh.

And my nieces. Ah, my nieces! My most precious darlings - Bubbly Danielle, Crazy Francine and Precocious Leilana. So sayang them. And eventhough Danielle and Francine are growing up WAY too fast, they'll always be my little girls. (And no, girls, I dunno who's cooler, Blink 182 or Good Charlotte).

3. I have the best chicas in the world.

Bad haircuts. Huge plastic-rimmed glasses. Embarassing moments around the cutest guys. Buying overpriced panties. Having one more drink, just ONE more. Giving into butter demands at 2 a.m after a drunken night out ("Mel, it's 2am, i don't think the hotel can send butter up at this hour....Ok ok I go look for butter.Stop crying."). Mothers In Law whom we will protect you from - Stand back EVIL WITCH! Sending ice cream to your office just because you're having a bad day. Reminding me that I can do so much better than that asshole of a man. We are all so lawa mau mati. Karaoke sessions that we do not speak of. Crotch sizes (Carol, that will forever be etched in my memory). Telling the same jokes and still finding it funny when no one else gets us (they are bodo, not us).

And for just making me feel fabulous on any given day. I heart you girls so very much, even when our nenens become senget and we need bifocals.

4. I have had some awesome experiences.

With the owners of Bukit Naga Amanpuri, Kuala Penyu.

In my brief existence, I've managed to meet wonderful people, seen amazing places and enjoyed mind-blowing moments. How can I not be thankful for those?

L-R: Japan 2005 for the Mt. Fuji Mountain Race, Fishing at Mengalum, Gomantong Caves,

Mel does Macau!, Meeting Ian Wright - my hero, Doing the Death March in Telupid, Marvelling Mabul, so pretty.

5. I've loved and lost and loved...

They were/are great friends, that's what matters. And one point, the love of my life. Romance can be fleeting but I can look back now and see how everyone comes into your life for a reason. The lessons you learn are invaluable. And instead of looking at the tears shed, I'd rather remember the laughter shared. It took a lot of time for me to be where I am in this department and trust me, I'm still learning and making my share of mistakes along the way. But I don't think I'll ever give up on love. Schmuck. And proud of it.

I could go on and on. My blessings are bountiful. And I praise the Lord each day. All we can do is surrender our life in His hands and trust that He has his reasons for everything we go through. Today, I count my blessings.

Yes, I got this from Facebook. The irony.

Nothing lasts forever.
So live it up.
Drink it down.
Laugh it off.
Avoid all the bullshit.
Take chances and never have regrets.
Because at one point
Everything you did
Was exactly what you wanted.

Facebook facade.

Facebook and I aren't on very good terms these days. I dunno what it is but I'm starting to feel violated. Call it a Fishbowl Syndrome or whatever you like. I feel like someone is contantly peeking into my bedroom window, wondering what I'm up to, what I'm doing, where I'm going...
Strangers going, "add me! add me!" With all due respect, if I have no idea who you are, I am not going to add you. And no, knowing a friend of a friend of a friend doesn't count. Plus, I know some people out there want to be added for the sake of prying into your profile page and rummaging through your photo albums. Shame on you.

Which is why I've 'locked' some of my albums in facebook. Please don't take offense but there are some things I've decided to keep private, even if you are my friend. Plus, brainless comments on my photos really aren't going to win you any points.

I know what you're thinking: Then why the hell am I even on Facebook? Or worse, why have a blog documenting your so-called life? Kind of a hypocrite, points your little finger. Here's this thing - in the event I want to shout to the world about my personal life, I'll do it on my own terms and not through the prying of your grimy little fingers. You know what I don't understand about some people? When you refuse to share something personal and they take offense. How ridiculous is that? Hey nosy balls, if I wanna keep it to myself, that's my business la. Geez.

Ya I hate Facebook. But I love how it keeps me in touch with certain people in my life. It's not a tool for me to make new friends. I'm having trouble keeping old ones sometimes, heh heh. So to my Facebook friends, don't mind me if I don't Superpoke you in return or I don't buy you a Happy Hour drink - I still love you guys, for real.

And now, I'm going to pack and make a little trip. I'll be back on Monday. In case these are my last words ever (look, you never know), think of me fondly and wear pink to my funeral, ok?

Mule.

Yeah, I know I'm stubborn. I know that deep down I know better. And yet I keep throwing myself against that brick wall. I don't know how I got here. And I sure as hell don't know where I'm going with this.

Soft-hearted and hard-headed. I can't think of a more self-destructive combination.

Tired.

Am back from the 22nd Mt. Kinabalu International Climbathon (i'm too lazy to explain, just google it heh heh). No, I didn't run up the mountain. It was for work. As it has been for the last five years.

The mountain air was a nice change although there moments where it got a wee bit too cold. And on the last day, I had to take an ICY shower at 5:00am because they ran out of hot water. How can you run out of hot water in a place like that? Imagine pouring ice water on yourself. Yeah, refreshing.

After a long journey back from Kundasang, I managed to catch my breath, take a shower and rush to attend the annual Shell Press Awards. It's always great to see my ex-colleagues in the journalism line - they always treat me like I've never left the press, bless them. And the free flow of alcohol didn't hurt neither. Unfortunately, I was so bloody exhausted and try as I might, I sneaked away from the crowd at 2:30 am. Yes, 2:30. And here I am at work today. Well, physically I'm here lah but my mind is somewhere in bed.

So I'm tired. Body, mind and soul. The past week has been really trying for me and right now I just want to collapse in bed and sleep till I can sleep no more. But for now, we still have one event to run this Thursday and then I can breathe easy. Wish me luck.

Faith.

Those of you who know me know that I am anything but an exemplary Catholic. I can't even remember the right things to say when praying the rosary and I can only recall 5 Commandments out of 10. Yep, if my Catholic practice is my ticket to heaven, I'm bound for quite a few stops on the way up (with the optimistic hope that's the direction I'm headed lah)

But God and I have a good relationship. When booze, ciggarettes and too many late nights offer little comfort, I go to church. Yeah, not quite the Christian-way but...like I said, God and I have a good relationship and He knows I'm difficult like that.

So last night I bought some candles and went to the Grotto. I lit my candle and talked to Mother Mary. I had a little one on one with God too. My 'angel' Pu told me earlier the other day that God is with us throughout our storms. That we are never alone. It's just that sometimes, we are not open to see Him there beside us. I was skeptical. If anything, I was more alone than ever.

And so I told the Big Guy: Seriously, I kinda need You now. If You are really there, show me. Tell me. Anything. And I promise I will open my heart to see You.

I sat there for about 25 minutes, waiting for mass to start (I was way early and the church was still locked). My candle flickered in the wind and not long after, it started to drizzle just as people started to fill in the church. So I made my way to mass.

A sermon, a hymn and a communion later, I make my way back to the car. The road is wet and I can still smell the after-shower. But in the darkness, I squinted and I couldn't believe what I saw at the Grotto.

My sole candle was still lit.

In the rain and wind, my candle stood there, flickering, unfaltering. I rushed to the Grotto, car keys dangling at my car and my bag abandoned on the pavement. And there, I cried. I cried, and cried and cried. And felt like a fool for challenging God and His presence. His faith in me has never wavered, even when I have sunken to the lowest depths.

I think I owe it to Him to return the faith.

He is there. I just had to stop and listen for a while.

Post No. 501

I just realised this is my 501st post on blogger. So yesterday was no. 500. hooray for me.

So they're telling me to go. To leave KK and all its glory. I've been playing with the idea for so long but there's always an excuse or two. No money. My family needs me. I can't find a job elsewhere. I have to finish paying the loan for my car.

Always something.

But an evening of cranberry vodkas and under a strangely red-orange sky, they told me perhaps it was time to go. "It's this place. You have to go. Start fresh," she said. The other one piped in, "But not KL. Never KL." What is it about KK that I love yet hate so much? All the best times happened here. But the worst times could also be found at every corner. And I was going through one of those again at this point in my life. But that what nourishes me also destroys me (to quote one of Angelina Jolie's many tattoos). All this familiarity breeding contempt. "Get a REAL job," my brother-in-law mocked me but in his endearing way. "I know you like what you do but you and I know, you could do much more. Somewhere else," he said. Perhaps I don't need to do more - only something different.

And when it comes to the matters of the heart, I wish I could just seal them all up in an air-tight bag and bury it between the crevices of 'never happened' and 'denial'. Why are my relationships all doomed? And I'm not finger-pointing here - I take full responsibility of getting bored and restless in perfectly healthy relationships and diving into less admirable ones. Yes, I am screwed up that way. My ex once said the reason I'm so unhappy is because I ache for the drama. Apparently, I WANT the tears and screaming matches and sweep-me-of-my-feet-make-ups. Now, that's a bit far-fetched lah...What kind of sadist does he think I am? I do enjoy the occassional break from routine in my relationships (who doesn't) and normally, in the form of a man who agrees to disagree. So sue me. I like a partner who isn't afraid to voice an opionion. Geez.

But I digress. I'm thinking of packing my bags. 3 months. 6 months. Maybe a year. I don't know. I just know I need to break out of this before I crack. Job be damned. I'll serve sandwiches and coffee if I have to.

Pills and spills.

I said it before and I'll say it again. I hate August. And true to form, it is finally starting to shit on me. Anyway, i've been away from the office for the last 2 days - i'll spare you the details - and have been pill-popping at home (for medical reasons la). A combination of sleeping pills and painkillers keeps grumpy Mel out of service for a while.

To keep my sanity in check, I've discovered a newfound addiction to this:

Still no idea what I'm talking about? GUITAR HERO III: LEGENDS OF ROCK baybeh! My nieces have a Sony Wii so needless to say...I've been occupied. You can rock to the tunes of Pat Benatar (I love Hit Me With Your Best Shot) and Heart's Barracuda. It has an excellent track list, including classics from Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, The Killers, Kiss, even Tenacious D! I played (much to my niece's amusement) till my left arm had no more blood rushing through and I think I pulled a muscle. I'm no where near as good as Francine (my niece) and I'm still on practice mode.
I found a pink one! Would love to get one of these fer real...

Basically, it's a 'sorta guitar' where you play according to the coloured chords. It's a lot to do with rhythm and beat and sometimes you start to get cross-eyed (well I do anyway). All good fun. Ah the things that keep me going these days...

TGIF my ass.

I've lost it.

My marbles? The zest for life? My sanity? Whatever way you package it, I've lost it. I really don't care for much anymore these days. So if i start to space out when we're talking or I look like I can't wait to get out of there...Pardon me.

I don't need any sympathy or help. Because people who claim to 'help' or 'hear' me out are usually the hypocrites who can't wait to tell the next person how screwed up I've become. I've realised that I'm surrounded by two-faced backstabbers at work as well. Yep, icing on my fucking cake. But you know what? I can't deal with all the haters right now when I'm busy trying to get my life back on track. The only thing that makes sense these days is a bottle of wine and a pack of ciggies (OMG YES I SMOKE! ALERT THE AUTHORITIES - god, get a life already).

I am surrounded by so many toxic assholes these days. People who just zap the energy out of me just by existing. I have to start eliminating these people from my life. So if I suddenly drop out of YOUR life, you know you are one of the toxic assholes I've been talking about, haha. As Greg Behrendt so poetically put it: "You already have one asshole. You don't need another one in your life."

I've lost it. But the thing is, I'm not interested in finding it again.

El Stupido

The Spanish olympic basketball team is under fire for a mucho mucho stupido move during a recent ad campaign.

The ad was for a Spanish courier company, which appeared in a local paper La Marca. Naturally, there's a huge uproar on how racist the ad is, mocking the Chinese community with their 'slanted eyes' pose. I mean, seriously guys. What are you - a bunch of twelve year olds? I don't know about you guys but making fun of the largest community in the world as you make your way to the Olympics which happens to be held in (well whaddaya know) China sounds like digging your own grave. Want an interesting twist? The Spanish team is sponsored by Li Ning Footwear - yes ladies and gents, a CHINESE corporation no less.

To add insult to injury, the advertisers and the team have no idea what the big deal is. Yep, not a sorry in sight. And eventhough they beat the Chinese team 85-75 yesterday, it was satisfying to watch the stadium boo their every move.

Shame on you. And you guys are bidding to host the 2016 Olympic games? Hah.

Gidiots.

Post secret.

As with every Monday morning, I make my way to PostSecret. And i cried when I read this:

"I'm so sure and scared. I'm always going to be that girl who is never enough."

It was like I was listening to myself for the first time. And I'm glad someone finally said it for me.

Things you'd save in a fire.

Family aside, i would grab my cats and handphone (simply because my handphone is right beside my pillow every night).

Honestly, if i really think about it, I can't think of anything more precious than my family or cats to save in a fire.

What would you save in a fire?

August.

August and I have not been on good terms for a few years now. I dunno what it is about this time of the year. It's like 31 Mondays all crammed into one month - each day shittier than the next. Ok ok maybe not all 31 days. More like...29.

Let me track back the years to prove my point:

August 2005 - My boyfriend of 3 years dumps me at a club in front of all my friends. I guess all that cranberry vodka he was drinking finally grew him a pair and there was no time like the present to drop the chocolate-covered bombshell: "I don't see a future with you." Cue running to the bathroom, cue breaking down in front of my friends and a bunch of strangers (not to mention some juniors from school - how mortifying). To be fair, we had been fighting non-stop the past month (damn you August!). Here's an excerpt from my August 2005 entry:

“I’d rather be with someone compatible than someone I love. And you and I are not compatible.” Heart slamming. Not a good feeling. - August 5th, 2005.

And the Curse of August was born.

August 2006 - Just when things aren't looking too shabby, H announces that he's leaving for Canada. And again my world tumbles. It's a month of the longest goodbye ever.

Seriously, I wish nothing but the best for him. If I had my way, I'd bring Canada here so he could study and I'd still have someone around to remind me my car's about to fall apart if I don't service it soon. - August 25th, 2006

August 2007 - I start to feel restless and frustrated with my job. I'm starting to lose my so-called passion for the job and it sucks. And I'm not coping well with H being so far away.

It's August and I just want the months to go as quickly as possible. Every morning, I wake up and sigh in relief that another day has gone. I know there will be a time when I want time to slow down but right now, I wish someone would push the fast-forward button already.

And my job. Ah, my job my job. The opportunities it has presented me have been fantastic, no doubt. The traveling, meeting people etc etc. But as a writer...Sometimes I don't know if I'm a 'writer' anymore. For the last four years, I've had to write a certain way and my fear is that I'm stuck in that 'way'. To an extent, I feel stifled. I love writing. I may not be the best writer out there but I love what I do. But after some years in the industry, who am I kidding...Writing doesn't pay the bills. - August 3rd, 2007.

And this year? Let's wait and see what August has up her sleeve, the little b*tch.

Random Wednesday

I started running again. More like walking really fast. Which is almost like 'running' in my dictionary. It felt good. And I was so exhausted that I slept like a baby that night.

What is the big freakin' deal with Miley Cyrus' photo shoot in Vanity Fair? (see left) I thought it was done rather tastefully - granted she's only 15. But hey, I've seen more obscene photos of teenage celebrities in glossy magazines. So everyone should quit whining about her 'scandalous' photo. Geez.

I'm hooked on Rainforest Tea ("100% natural zero pesticide Camellia Sinesis Black Tea")

I can't believe it's almost August. I can smell Christmas!

I bought three pairs of shoes in one go. That felt sinfully good.

I'm trying to cut down on my alcohol intake. The operative word here being 'trying'.

I watched Devil's Advocate again. Keanu isn't the greatest actor and I think Charlize Theron shouts too much in the movie but Al Pacino makes it all worthwhile. Still one of my favourite movies. "The worst vice is advice" - Al Pacino.

I also watched Sex and The City and like any Manolo Blahnik shoe, it was fabulous! I don't think most men would appreciate what the fuss is all about but hey, we don't expect you to. This one's for the ladies.

I dunno why I'm feeling it but I'd really like to have a baby. The husband bit - I'm in no rush. Probably could do without, haha. You know, if our society wasn't so judgemental and assholey, I'd have no qualms being a single mother. Hmm. Maybe I'll just get a puppy for now.

There are a few faces I'd love to slap as of late. Yes I'm feeling bitchy.

I labelled all my stationery in the office. STOP STEALING MY PENS!

I've been loaning people money and no one has paid me back. I hate asking for money. Can someone do this for me please?

Should I get a tattoo?

I wanna watch the X-Files movie. It's not going to win any Oscar nominations so I've heard but seeing Mulder and Scully reunite will suffice for me.

I'm having lunch at Pacific Sutera today with some contractors and then another appointment with the Indonesian Consulate. In the evening, I have a discussion on a brochure I'm working on with one of the wildlife sanctuaries and then I head home to my cats. After that, I plan to watch 'Definitely Maybe' on my pink laptop, read a few pages of John Irving's 'Until I Find You' and crash into oblivion, only to awake at 6:30 am the next day and sigh, "Shit. Here we go again."

"Engkau pergi, aku takkan pergi

Engkau menjauh, aku takkan jauh

Sebenarnya, diriku masih mengharapkanmu"

- Menjaga Hati, The Nuno & Yovie. Schmuck song of the moment. Disillusioned lyrics aside, it's a catchy tune.

I Believe Love Will Find A Way!

Hahahaha this should be interesting! Compliments of Jeremy :P Tunggu ko, banyak lagi tags coming up...

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player,MP3 player, your playlist, ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal.
6. You may continue on tagging others if you wish, and if you don't..you will not commit any sin or crime..so, be happy..This is just a game..

Question 1
If someone says: “Is this okay?”
You say: 'Always - Atlantic Starr' (wow, talk about being positive)

Question 2.
How would you describe yourself?
'The One You Love - Glenn Fredly' (mmm ya ya)

Question 3
What do you like in a girl/guy?
'Back To School Again - The Four Tops' (from the 'Grease' soundtrack)

Question 4
How do you feel today?
'Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5' (dunno who la. But i do feel as hopeless as the song, haha)

Question 5
What's your life's purpose?
'Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns n Roses'

Question 6
What do your friends think about you?
'Aku Bukan Untukmu - Rossa' (hahahaha ya, I can see them running a mile away while saying this)

Question 7
What do you think about your parents?'
'Pink - Aerosmith' - Pink is my fay-vour-ite co-lour! and yes I love my parents.

Question 8
What do you think about very often?
'Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton-John' ("I know I'm just a fool who's willllling...To sit around and wait for youuuuuuu" - ya story of my life. sialan)

Question 9
What do you think about your best friend?'
' Hey Jude - The Beatles'

Question 10
What song would you want them to play at your funeral?'
'Cool Rider - Michelle Pfeiffer (another Grease song)' - HAHAHA what an excellent song to play at my funeral! And everyone in leather jackets. Make sure ah.

Question 11
What's your biggest fear?'
'Burn - Tina Arena' (crash and burn. been there, done that...and still doin' it, hahaha!)

Question 12
What would you post this entry as?
I Believe Love Will Find a Way - Blessid Union of Souls (errrr yeah)

Ok tagalicious people:
1. May Leng
2. Caneelia
3. Kadazanbonita
4. Karmilla
5. Puei

Muah!

Off my chest.

You.

Yes, you. Pray, enlighten me. I hardly know you, and you hardly know me. Do you not have enough drama in your own life to stick your nose in mine? I don't understand how my actions bear any effect on your existence. Hence, why so nosy? My every move, my every decision and every word that comes out of my mouth are no concern of yours. I don't go around asking why you're sleeping with your best friend's husband. And I can't be bothered about your alcoholic dad who hits your mum every other day. It doesn't matter to me that you're up to RM10K in debt and it certainly doesn't interest me the way you blatantly suck up to the boss to get that promotion.

Suka hati lah.

Therefore,I ask you nicely to please mind your own business and realise that whatever I do with my life is no concern of yours. And if you don't like me for some reason, there is nothing I can do about it except hope that one day you'll pull that stick out of your bloody a$$ and find some other decent way to express your passionate dislike for me (knitting perhaps? If that fails, try jumping off a very tall building). Thanks for your 'concern' but this is my life - And I'll live it the way the hell I please.

Other than that, have a good Wednesday.

Yo's Friday Tag

Ok it's been a while and since I have time to kill...

**RULES***“The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.Each player answers the questions about themselves.At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged.Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.”***End***

Question 1: What were you doing 5 years ago?
(take out calculator because I am bodo maths). In 2003, I was still a reporter with New Sabah Times, covering general news, crime, sports and features - a fantastic learning experience. I also permed my hair and then when I got bored, chopped it all off into a bob. I was dating LK and blisfully happy. Five years ago? Life was good.

Question 2: What were the 5 things on your to do list today?
1. Lunch
2. Call En. Khairul to ask him to collect his souvenirs for Pesta Pantun 2008 (i know, i live a fast paced life)
3. Look for a birthday gift
4. Make another phonecall
5. Sleep

Question 3: What are 5 snacks that you enjoy?
1. Kuih lidah - this is a recent obsession, I don't know why. It's cookies made of sago and coated with icing sugar
2. My mum's corned beef sandwiches
3. Nacho cheese crisps
4. Batang buruk - you know that Hari Raya cookie? oh wow. punya sedap. Despite the name.
5. ok ok something healthy...Banana....fritters. EXTRA crispy and panas panas!

Question 4: What are 5 things that you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Pay off all of my family's debts and mine (boring stuff out of the way first...)
2. Travel with people I love. Five star all the way.
3. Shop like there's no tomorrow - for me, my friends and family.
4. Open an animal shelter.
5. Help my alma mater - seriously, when are they ever going to get cracking on that new St. Francis Convent Secondary School building???

Question 5: What are 5 jobs you've had?
1. Clinic aid - I worked for my brother's clinic as a receptionist/nurse/drug-packer. haha! I'll never forget getting on my knees and cleaning up puke at 9:30am.

2. Reporter with New Sabah Times

3. Product Executive with The Body Shop - I miss all the free stuff!

4. Editor/Senior Publicity & Publication Executive for Sri Pelancongan - tourism stuff. Best job ever.

5. Events Executive - still in the tourism line.

Tagged ones? Karmilla, Jeremy, Caneelia, May Leng and...Melina! Get cracking.

Up and about.

Hi gang. Been running around a bit to Kuala Penyu and then Kuching for the Rainforest World Music Festival and now I've got three events to help coordinate. Soooo...Just trying to find my bearings for a bit. Be right back!

Thought for the day:
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
"If I can't find a way, I'll make a way"

Today's thought

Sometimes the things you want are not exactly the things you need and the things you don't want in life is exactly what you need.

That's my spot

How do I know my cat is the boss of me? Because I come home from work to this:

Blanket on my blanket.


But last week took the cake when Blanket strolled to his favourite pillow and found a suitcase on top of it. Did that stop him from taking his afternoon nap?










Nope.

Change.

We can't be 15 forever. And although we say we'll always be friends, I know how life can get in the way sometimes. Jobs switch, ideals evolve and hairstyles change. I miss the simplicity of our friendship. When hanging out was just a phonecall away and drunken Friday nights were spontaneous.

I know in principle, we want to be there for each other every step of the way. And I know when you can't answer my call, it doesn't mean you don't care. I hope you know it works the same way vice versa. There aren't many people I can make 3am calls to and I highly doubt they'll understand why shoe shopping is the answer to all bad days.

I miss the time we spend together. Laughing about everything and nothing. Truth be told, we've all hardened and turned cynical - maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. We've all become realists and happy endings are utopian ideals. Lord knows we've had our share of bad skin, mortifying office moments and questionable men. I know some parts of us have given up on each other - and although that's kinda sad, I guess it's part of growing up.

I miss you guys.