Mule.

Yeah, I know I'm stubborn. I know that deep down I know better. And yet I keep throwing myself against that brick wall. I don't know how I got here. And I sure as hell don't know where I'm going with this.

Soft-hearted and hard-headed. I can't think of a more self-destructive combination.

Tired.

Am back from the 22nd Mt. Kinabalu International Climbathon (i'm too lazy to explain, just google it heh heh). No, I didn't run up the mountain. It was for work. As it has been for the last five years.

The mountain air was a nice change although there moments where it got a wee bit too cold. And on the last day, I had to take an ICY shower at 5:00am because they ran out of hot water. How can you run out of hot water in a place like that? Imagine pouring ice water on yourself. Yeah, refreshing.

After a long journey back from Kundasang, I managed to catch my breath, take a shower and rush to attend the annual Shell Press Awards. It's always great to see my ex-colleagues in the journalism line - they always treat me like I've never left the press, bless them. And the free flow of alcohol didn't hurt neither. Unfortunately, I was so bloody exhausted and try as I might, I sneaked away from the crowd at 2:30 am. Yes, 2:30. And here I am at work today. Well, physically I'm here lah but my mind is somewhere in bed.

So I'm tired. Body, mind and soul. The past week has been really trying for me and right now I just want to collapse in bed and sleep till I can sleep no more. But for now, we still have one event to run this Thursday and then I can breathe easy. Wish me luck.

Faith.

Those of you who know me know that I am anything but an exemplary Catholic. I can't even remember the right things to say when praying the rosary and I can only recall 5 Commandments out of 10. Yep, if my Catholic practice is my ticket to heaven, I'm bound for quite a few stops on the way up (with the optimistic hope that's the direction I'm headed lah)

But God and I have a good relationship. When booze, ciggarettes and too many late nights offer little comfort, I go to church. Yeah, not quite the Christian-way but...like I said, God and I have a good relationship and He knows I'm difficult like that.

So last night I bought some candles and went to the Grotto. I lit my candle and talked to Mother Mary. I had a little one on one with God too. My 'angel' Pu told me earlier the other day that God is with us throughout our storms. That we are never alone. It's just that sometimes, we are not open to see Him there beside us. I was skeptical. If anything, I was more alone than ever.

And so I told the Big Guy: Seriously, I kinda need You now. If You are really there, show me. Tell me. Anything. And I promise I will open my heart to see You.

I sat there for about 25 minutes, waiting for mass to start (I was way early and the church was still locked). My candle flickered in the wind and not long after, it started to drizzle just as people started to fill in the church. So I made my way to mass.

A sermon, a hymn and a communion later, I make my way back to the car. The road is wet and I can still smell the after-shower. But in the darkness, I squinted and I couldn't believe what I saw at the Grotto.

My sole candle was still lit.

In the rain and wind, my candle stood there, flickering, unfaltering. I rushed to the Grotto, car keys dangling at my car and my bag abandoned on the pavement. And there, I cried. I cried, and cried and cried. And felt like a fool for challenging God and His presence. His faith in me has never wavered, even when I have sunken to the lowest depths.

I think I owe it to Him to return the faith.

He is there. I just had to stop and listen for a while.

Post No. 501

I just realised this is my 501st post on blogger. So yesterday was no. 500. hooray for me.

So they're telling me to go. To leave KK and all its glory. I've been playing with the idea for so long but there's always an excuse or two. No money. My family needs me. I can't find a job elsewhere. I have to finish paying the loan for my car.

Always something.

But an evening of cranberry vodkas and under a strangely red-orange sky, they told me perhaps it was time to go. "It's this place. You have to go. Start fresh," she said. The other one piped in, "But not KL. Never KL." What is it about KK that I love yet hate so much? All the best times happened here. But the worst times could also be found at every corner. And I was going through one of those again at this point in my life. But that what nourishes me also destroys me (to quote one of Angelina Jolie's many tattoos). All this familiarity breeding contempt. "Get a REAL job," my brother-in-law mocked me but in his endearing way. "I know you like what you do but you and I know, you could do much more. Somewhere else," he said. Perhaps I don't need to do more - only something different.

And when it comes to the matters of the heart, I wish I could just seal them all up in an air-tight bag and bury it between the crevices of 'never happened' and 'denial'. Why are my relationships all doomed? And I'm not finger-pointing here - I take full responsibility of getting bored and restless in perfectly healthy relationships and diving into less admirable ones. Yes, I am screwed up that way. My ex once said the reason I'm so unhappy is because I ache for the drama. Apparently, I WANT the tears and screaming matches and sweep-me-of-my-feet-make-ups. Now, that's a bit far-fetched lah...What kind of sadist does he think I am? I do enjoy the occassional break from routine in my relationships (who doesn't) and normally, in the form of a man who agrees to disagree. So sue me. I like a partner who isn't afraid to voice an opionion. Geez.

But I digress. I'm thinking of packing my bags. 3 months. 6 months. Maybe a year. I don't know. I just know I need to break out of this before I crack. Job be damned. I'll serve sandwiches and coffee if I have to.

Pills and spills.

I said it before and I'll say it again. I hate August. And true to form, it is finally starting to shit on me. Anyway, i've been away from the office for the last 2 days - i'll spare you the details - and have been pill-popping at home (for medical reasons la). A combination of sleeping pills and painkillers keeps grumpy Mel out of service for a while.

To keep my sanity in check, I've discovered a newfound addiction to this:

Still no idea what I'm talking about? GUITAR HERO III: LEGENDS OF ROCK baybeh! My nieces have a Sony Wii so needless to say...I've been occupied. You can rock to the tunes of Pat Benatar (I love Hit Me With Your Best Shot) and Heart's Barracuda. It has an excellent track list, including classics from Aerosmith, Black Sabbath, The Killers, Kiss, even Tenacious D! I played (much to my niece's amusement) till my left arm had no more blood rushing through and I think I pulled a muscle. I'm no where near as good as Francine (my niece) and I'm still on practice mode.
I found a pink one! Would love to get one of these fer real...

Basically, it's a 'sorta guitar' where you play according to the coloured chords. It's a lot to do with rhythm and beat and sometimes you start to get cross-eyed (well I do anyway). All good fun. Ah the things that keep me going these days...

TGIF my ass.

I've lost it.

My marbles? The zest for life? My sanity? Whatever way you package it, I've lost it. I really don't care for much anymore these days. So if i start to space out when we're talking or I look like I can't wait to get out of there...Pardon me.

I don't need any sympathy or help. Because people who claim to 'help' or 'hear' me out are usually the hypocrites who can't wait to tell the next person how screwed up I've become. I've realised that I'm surrounded by two-faced backstabbers at work as well. Yep, icing on my fucking cake. But you know what? I can't deal with all the haters right now when I'm busy trying to get my life back on track. The only thing that makes sense these days is a bottle of wine and a pack of ciggies (OMG YES I SMOKE! ALERT THE AUTHORITIES - god, get a life already).

I am surrounded by so many toxic assholes these days. People who just zap the energy out of me just by existing. I have to start eliminating these people from my life. So if I suddenly drop out of YOUR life, you know you are one of the toxic assholes I've been talking about, haha. As Greg Behrendt so poetically put it: "You already have one asshole. You don't need another one in your life."

I've lost it. But the thing is, I'm not interested in finding it again.

El Stupido

The Spanish olympic basketball team is under fire for a mucho mucho stupido move during a recent ad campaign.

The ad was for a Spanish courier company, which appeared in a local paper La Marca. Naturally, there's a huge uproar on how racist the ad is, mocking the Chinese community with their 'slanted eyes' pose. I mean, seriously guys. What are you - a bunch of twelve year olds? I don't know about you guys but making fun of the largest community in the world as you make your way to the Olympics which happens to be held in (well whaddaya know) China sounds like digging your own grave. Want an interesting twist? The Spanish team is sponsored by Li Ning Footwear - yes ladies and gents, a CHINESE corporation no less.

To add insult to injury, the advertisers and the team have no idea what the big deal is. Yep, not a sorry in sight. And eventhough they beat the Chinese team 85-75 yesterday, it was satisfying to watch the stadium boo their every move.

Shame on you. And you guys are bidding to host the 2016 Olympic games? Hah.

Gidiots.

Post secret.

As with every Monday morning, I make my way to PostSecret. And i cried when I read this:

"I'm so sure and scared. I'm always going to be that girl who is never enough."

It was like I was listening to myself for the first time. And I'm glad someone finally said it for me.

Things you'd save in a fire.

Family aside, i would grab my cats and handphone (simply because my handphone is right beside my pillow every night).

Honestly, if i really think about it, I can't think of anything more precious than my family or cats to save in a fire.

What would you save in a fire?

August.

August and I have not been on good terms for a few years now. I dunno what it is about this time of the year. It's like 31 Mondays all crammed into one month - each day shittier than the next. Ok ok maybe not all 31 days. More like...29.

Let me track back the years to prove my point:

August 2005 - My boyfriend of 3 years dumps me at a club in front of all my friends. I guess all that cranberry vodka he was drinking finally grew him a pair and there was no time like the present to drop the chocolate-covered bombshell: "I don't see a future with you." Cue running to the bathroom, cue breaking down in front of my friends and a bunch of strangers (not to mention some juniors from school - how mortifying). To be fair, we had been fighting non-stop the past month (damn you August!). Here's an excerpt from my August 2005 entry:

“I’d rather be with someone compatible than someone I love. And you and I are not compatible.” Heart slamming. Not a good feeling. - August 5th, 2005.

And the Curse of August was born.

August 2006 - Just when things aren't looking too shabby, H announces that he's leaving for Canada. And again my world tumbles. It's a month of the longest goodbye ever.

Seriously, I wish nothing but the best for him. If I had my way, I'd bring Canada here so he could study and I'd still have someone around to remind me my car's about to fall apart if I don't service it soon. - August 25th, 2006

August 2007 - I start to feel restless and frustrated with my job. I'm starting to lose my so-called passion for the job and it sucks. And I'm not coping well with H being so far away.

It's August and I just want the months to go as quickly as possible. Every morning, I wake up and sigh in relief that another day has gone. I know there will be a time when I want time to slow down but right now, I wish someone would push the fast-forward button already.

And my job. Ah, my job my job. The opportunities it has presented me have been fantastic, no doubt. The traveling, meeting people etc etc. But as a writer...Sometimes I don't know if I'm a 'writer' anymore. For the last four years, I've had to write a certain way and my fear is that I'm stuck in that 'way'. To an extent, I feel stifled. I love writing. I may not be the best writer out there but I love what I do. But after some years in the industry, who am I kidding...Writing doesn't pay the bills. - August 3rd, 2007.

And this year? Let's wait and see what August has up her sleeve, the little b*tch.

Random Wednesday

I started running again. More like walking really fast. Which is almost like 'running' in my dictionary. It felt good. And I was so exhausted that I slept like a baby that night.

What is the big freakin' deal with Miley Cyrus' photo shoot in Vanity Fair? (see left) I thought it was done rather tastefully - granted she's only 15. But hey, I've seen more obscene photos of teenage celebrities in glossy magazines. So everyone should quit whining about her 'scandalous' photo. Geez.

I'm hooked on Rainforest Tea ("100% natural zero pesticide Camellia Sinesis Black Tea")

I can't believe it's almost August. I can smell Christmas!

I bought three pairs of shoes in one go. That felt sinfully good.

I'm trying to cut down on my alcohol intake. The operative word here being 'trying'.

I watched Devil's Advocate again. Keanu isn't the greatest actor and I think Charlize Theron shouts too much in the movie but Al Pacino makes it all worthwhile. Still one of my favourite movies. "The worst vice is advice" - Al Pacino.

I also watched Sex and The City and like any Manolo Blahnik shoe, it was fabulous! I don't think most men would appreciate what the fuss is all about but hey, we don't expect you to. This one's for the ladies.

I dunno why I'm feeling it but I'd really like to have a baby. The husband bit - I'm in no rush. Probably could do without, haha. You know, if our society wasn't so judgemental and assholey, I'd have no qualms being a single mother. Hmm. Maybe I'll just get a puppy for now.

There are a few faces I'd love to slap as of late. Yes I'm feeling bitchy.

I labelled all my stationery in the office. STOP STEALING MY PENS!

I've been loaning people money and no one has paid me back. I hate asking for money. Can someone do this for me please?

Should I get a tattoo?

I wanna watch the X-Files movie. It's not going to win any Oscar nominations so I've heard but seeing Mulder and Scully reunite will suffice for me.

I'm having lunch at Pacific Sutera today with some contractors and then another appointment with the Indonesian Consulate. In the evening, I have a discussion on a brochure I'm working on with one of the wildlife sanctuaries and then I head home to my cats. After that, I plan to watch 'Definitely Maybe' on my pink laptop, read a few pages of John Irving's 'Until I Find You' and crash into oblivion, only to awake at 6:30 am the next day and sigh, "Shit. Here we go again."

"Engkau pergi, aku takkan pergi

Engkau menjauh, aku takkan jauh

Sebenarnya, diriku masih mengharapkanmu"

- Menjaga Hati, The Nuno & Yovie. Schmuck song of the moment. Disillusioned lyrics aside, it's a catchy tune.

I Believe Love Will Find A Way!

Hahahaha this should be interesting! Compliments of Jeremy :P Tunggu ko, banyak lagi tags coming up...

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes, Windows Media Player,MP3 player, your playlist, ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal.
6. You may continue on tagging others if you wish, and if you don't..you will not commit any sin or crime..so, be happy..This is just a game..

Question 1
If someone says: “Is this okay?”
You say: 'Always - Atlantic Starr' (wow, talk about being positive)

Question 2.
How would you describe yourself?
'The One You Love - Glenn Fredly' (mmm ya ya)

Question 3
What do you like in a girl/guy?
'Back To School Again - The Four Tops' (from the 'Grease' soundtrack)

Question 4
How do you feel today?
'Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5' (dunno who la. But i do feel as hopeless as the song, haha)

Question 5
What's your life's purpose?
'Sweet Child O' Mine - Guns n Roses'

Question 6
What do your friends think about you?
'Aku Bukan Untukmu - Rossa' (hahahaha ya, I can see them running a mile away while saying this)

Question 7
What do you think about your parents?'
'Pink - Aerosmith' - Pink is my fay-vour-ite co-lour! and yes I love my parents.

Question 8
What do you think about very often?
'Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton-John' ("I know I'm just a fool who's willllling...To sit around and wait for youuuuuuu" - ya story of my life. sialan)

Question 9
What do you think about your best friend?'
' Hey Jude - The Beatles'

Question 10
What song would you want them to play at your funeral?'
'Cool Rider - Michelle Pfeiffer (another Grease song)' - HAHAHA what an excellent song to play at my funeral! And everyone in leather jackets. Make sure ah.

Question 11
What's your biggest fear?'
'Burn - Tina Arena' (crash and burn. been there, done that...and still doin' it, hahaha!)

Question 12
What would you post this entry as?
I Believe Love Will Find a Way - Blessid Union of Souls (errrr yeah)

Ok tagalicious people:
1. May Leng
2. Caneelia
3. Kadazanbonita
4. Karmilla
5. Puei

Muah!

Off my chest.

You.

Yes, you. Pray, enlighten me. I hardly know you, and you hardly know me. Do you not have enough drama in your own life to stick your nose in mine? I don't understand how my actions bear any effect on your existence. Hence, why so nosy? My every move, my every decision and every word that comes out of my mouth are no concern of yours. I don't go around asking why you're sleeping with your best friend's husband. And I can't be bothered about your alcoholic dad who hits your mum every other day. It doesn't matter to me that you're up to RM10K in debt and it certainly doesn't interest me the way you blatantly suck up to the boss to get that promotion.

Suka hati lah.

Therefore,I ask you nicely to please mind your own business and realise that whatever I do with my life is no concern of yours. And if you don't like me for some reason, there is nothing I can do about it except hope that one day you'll pull that stick out of your bloody a$$ and find some other decent way to express your passionate dislike for me (knitting perhaps? If that fails, try jumping off a very tall building). Thanks for your 'concern' but this is my life - And I'll live it the way the hell I please.

Other than that, have a good Wednesday.

Yo's Friday Tag

Ok it's been a while and since I have time to kill...

**RULES***“The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.Each player answers the questions about themselves.At the end of the post, the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged.Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.”***End***

Question 1: What were you doing 5 years ago?
(take out calculator because I am bodo maths). In 2003, I was still a reporter with New Sabah Times, covering general news, crime, sports and features - a fantastic learning experience. I also permed my hair and then when I got bored, chopped it all off into a bob. I was dating LK and blisfully happy. Five years ago? Life was good.

Question 2: What were the 5 things on your to do list today?
1. Lunch
2. Call En. Khairul to ask him to collect his souvenirs for Pesta Pantun 2008 (i know, i live a fast paced life)
3. Look for a birthday gift
4. Make another phonecall
5. Sleep

Question 3: What are 5 snacks that you enjoy?
1. Kuih lidah - this is a recent obsession, I don't know why. It's cookies made of sago and coated with icing sugar
2. My mum's corned beef sandwiches
3. Nacho cheese crisps
4. Batang buruk - you know that Hari Raya cookie? oh wow. punya sedap. Despite the name.
5. ok ok something healthy...Banana....fritters. EXTRA crispy and panas panas!

Question 4: What are 5 things that you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Pay off all of my family's debts and mine (boring stuff out of the way first...)
2. Travel with people I love. Five star all the way.
3. Shop like there's no tomorrow - for me, my friends and family.
4. Open an animal shelter.
5. Help my alma mater - seriously, when are they ever going to get cracking on that new St. Francis Convent Secondary School building???

Question 5: What are 5 jobs you've had?
1. Clinic aid - I worked for my brother's clinic as a receptionist/nurse/drug-packer. haha! I'll never forget getting on my knees and cleaning up puke at 9:30am.

2. Reporter with New Sabah Times

3. Product Executive with The Body Shop - I miss all the free stuff!

4. Editor/Senior Publicity & Publication Executive for Sri Pelancongan - tourism stuff. Best job ever.

5. Events Executive - still in the tourism line.

Tagged ones? Karmilla, Jeremy, Caneelia, May Leng and...Melina! Get cracking.

Up and about.

Hi gang. Been running around a bit to Kuala Penyu and then Kuching for the Rainforest World Music Festival and now I've got three events to help coordinate. Soooo...Just trying to find my bearings for a bit. Be right back!

Thought for the day:
Aut viam inveniam aut faciam
"If I can't find a way, I'll make a way"

Today's thought

Sometimes the things you want are not exactly the things you need and the things you don't want in life is exactly what you need.

That's my spot

How do I know my cat is the boss of me? Because I come home from work to this:

Blanket on my blanket.


But last week took the cake when Blanket strolled to his favourite pillow and found a suitcase on top of it. Did that stop him from taking his afternoon nap?










Nope.

Change.

We can't be 15 forever. And although we say we'll always be friends, I know how life can get in the way sometimes. Jobs switch, ideals evolve and hairstyles change. I miss the simplicity of our friendship. When hanging out was just a phonecall away and drunken Friday nights were spontaneous.

I know in principle, we want to be there for each other every step of the way. And I know when you can't answer my call, it doesn't mean you don't care. I hope you know it works the same way vice versa. There aren't many people I can make 3am calls to and I highly doubt they'll understand why shoe shopping is the answer to all bad days.

I miss the time we spend together. Laughing about everything and nothing. Truth be told, we've all hardened and turned cynical - maybe it's a good thing, I don't know. We've all become realists and happy endings are utopian ideals. Lord knows we've had our share of bad skin, mortifying office moments and questionable men. I know some parts of us have given up on each other - and although that's kinda sad, I guess it's part of growing up.

I miss you guys.

Temporary Highs.

I don't know much these days. I've kind of given up on figuring out things. The hows and whys and even the what ifs. I've spent too many nights awake trying to make sense of a lot of things and I wake up the next morning only to repeat the day's cycle. It's pointless really.

I'm not depressed but I'm not exactly doing cartwheels neither. And people say I should 'talk' about it. Talk talk talk talk...i'm so malas to even hear myself talk, what more those around me. Plus, I've always been afraid of being judged especially by those closest to me. The only person I know I can turn to without fear of judgement is my sister (simply because she's bound to me by blood for life and obliged to be on my side no matter what a piece of shit i'm turning into, haha).

Maybe we should just package it in a pretty little box with a big red ribbon and call it a 'Quarter Life Crisis' - how original, I know. The only think I can count on right now are temporary highs. And that includes:

1. A drink and a laugh with good friends after work

2. Good food

3. A good movie

4. Sex (hey, wishful thinking ok)

5. Playing with my cats

6. Shopping

7. Getting enough sleep

...oh wow I can't even think of 10 Temporary Highs - any ideas? Life is as good as it gets right now. And I'm not complaining - after all, you get what you give, no? I leave you with a horny photo:

Nyahaha.

The Break Up

It was just one of those random nights where I had nothing better to do but channel surf. And this movie popped onto my screen. I'd seen this before but I figured I'd watch the first ten minutes and then go watch paint dry in my room or something. But I ended up watching the whole thing.

Just to recap, the movie stars Jennifer Aniston (she is in disgustingly great shape here, dammit) and Vince Vaughn. It starts off with them meeting, and the next 4 minutes are 'photo clips' of them throughout the course of the relationship and then, of course, the inevitable break-up.

I don't know why, but I was so mesmerised throughout the film. With every cliched accusation ("I ask you to do one thing and you can't even do that right!") and painful revelation ("I deserve so much better than this - than you"), I felt myself flung back to every bad relationship moment. And eventhough it's supposed to be a 'romantic comedy' (but really, where is the romance and comedy in a break-up?), I found myself choking up. It's like watching a horrible train wreck happening right before you and there is nothing you can about it.

And the most poignant moment is of course when Jennifer's character is sobbing alone in her bedroom after her final attempt to make peace proves futile and Vince walks in - and for the first time, he doesn't act or look like a first class jerk. He just stands there, broken to see HER broken. And for a split second, you let out a little gasp and think, "omg, finally they realise how much they love each other!" Jen then bawls her head off and says what she should have said an hour a half of the movie earlier to avoid all the drama: "I feel unappreciated. I just wanted you to say thank you for once." And Vince goes, "Why didn't you just say so?" And she says, "I have been but you never seemed to get it!" (I'm ad libbing here but you guys catch my drift...).

That's when it made me realise: There's a great lesson to be learned here, both men and women.

Ladies, sometimes our diplomacy gets the better of us, especially when it comes to men. So be blunt for once and just say what you want right there and then. They're not mind-readers and dropping all the hints in the world is like stripping for a blind man - a waste of time.

And guys, stop being a class-A jerk sometimes and show some appreciation for your lady. It takes a simple thank you, a hug or even better, a shopping spree (haha). But seriously, what matters more is sincerely having that sense of appreciation for someone you love. You can't fake that - so don't even try.

Why don't we all just say what we mean and mean what we say? Why do so many women sell themselves short? Why do guys only appreciate things once they've lost them? Why did this movie bug me so much that I'm compelled to blog about it?

Slowing down.

Phew. The Sabah Dragon Boat Race ended yesterday and until July...I am pretty much event-free! Right now, I'm waiting for my ride to the airport, off to Sandakan for a meeting and will be back tonight. The office is empty and i'm the only one on my floor right now - the after-effects for hardcore events. Everyone's just slowing down and taking time to do that breathing thing. Wish i could do the same but ah well, Sandakan beckons.

A day of doing nothing...Now doesn't that sound grand? I leave you with a photo of what I'd love to be doing now:

Andi'mnevergonnatellyoueverythingigottatellyoubutiknowigottagiveitatry *gasp*

Forget Beyonce. Forget Maroon 5. Here is the concert that's got me whipping out my 'Greatest Karaoke Moments' dvd. Ladies and gents, yes indeed: AIR SUPPLY IS COMIN' TO TOWN!

Details:

When : 23rd June 2008, Monday - 8:00pm

Where: Magellan Grand Ballroom, KK

Why : Who cares...it's AIR SUPPLY!

Please don't ask me to explain my fascination with this age-defying duo and their ability to hit superhuman pitches without bursting at the seams. I mean, I don't know anyone else who can get away with lyrics that go "I can make every tackle at the sound of the whistle, I can make all the stadiums rock..." In a love song, no less. There's just something that makes you wanna sing along. Come on. I know you want to.

Get your tickets here. Will I be there?

....................

Did you really need to ask?

Harley Fever!

Take your pick!

The HOG Rally is in town! No, it's not a bunch of squealing oinkers. HOG stands for Harley Owners' Group and this year, Sabah is the host for the 5th Malaysia National HOG Rally. Now I've never been quite the biker chick but seeing these babies up close is pretty exciting stuff. Yes, I discriminate: I find those 'kap chai' bikes damn annoying but you can put me on a Harley any day!

From the 29th of May to the 2nd of June, here is your chance to meet and greet real-life biker 'dudes' AND 'chicks' - yep, leather and tattoos and all! A majority of them are from around Malaysia but we also have a handful from the US, Indonesia, Thailand, Singapore and Australia to name a few. My company is one of the organisers and handlers so I have the privilege of traipsing around the West Coast of Sabah with them.

Biker chick in the making?

Closer to KK, you can catch them at Shangri-La's Tanjung Aru Resort this Sunday, 1st June during their charity run. There will be bike auctions, rides for the orphans and many other activities.

I took this on our way back from Tenom, one of the routes during the rally. How absolutely awesome to trailblaze those hilly roads on a Harley!

On Saturday, they'll be making their way to Kundasang Memorial Park and Kota Belud. So if you see a huge convoy of Harleys, give them a big, fat, warm welcome - Sabah style! They're pretty hard to miss. Ok, I'm off to Kundasang!

All by myself. Sorta.

In a noisy, polluted and ever-changing city filled with people who never seem to stop and smell the wilting roses, I am celebrating the temporary sweetness of solitude. I am currently in K-Hell – sorry, KL – for a week, mainly to attend a meeting and a 2-day course. But my meeting is over and my course only starts on Monday and I figured I’d take the time in between to be with me, myself and the craziness of KL. I started the day waking up slow – a luxury we all take for granted, rolled around in the sheets and engrossed myself in a made-for-tv movie about a woman who ran over her cheating husband with her Mercedes, not once but three times. Nice.I walked around KL city alone, aimlessly and merely for the sake of walking until I got hungry. I finally settled for beef lasagna and overpriced iced lemon tea at Dome Café. My editor in KL sends me an sms to remind me off my impending deadline (oops) and so here I am at Starbucks e-mailing him my final draft. I’m off to meet him after this should I ever get off my procrastinating ass. Sigh. I’ve got three whole days of immersing myself in KL before the ‘business’ side of my trips kicks in.

You know, as I edited my story for the THIRD bleeding time and clicked on ‘send’ to my editor, I dawned on me that I could do this for a living. Live in this crazy city, watch people go by, drink RM14.00 ice blended chocolate and just type away on my laptop – AND get paid for it. Thing is, I don’t have the balls to up and leave the comforts of KK and my job and my whole life and become a full-time freelance writer. How would I pay my rent? How can I afford my shoe fetish? How can I sleep at night not knowing where my next paycheck will come from?

Don’t mind me. Maybe it’s just the KL air. I’m off to find my way to Titiwangsa. Hope I don’t end up in Seremban.

"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom. Let it be."
- The Beatles, Let It Be. Perhaps I should.

Here we go again.

Yep, another birthday come and gone.

Let's compare notes, shall we?

My birthday entry last year:
"Another year gone.Older. Hopefully wiser. But definitely happier....There's a complete myth about getting older. It's not about the wrinkles, the extra weight we pile on over the years, the pressure to settle down with 2.5 kids or making more money. It's about finally feeling comfortable in your own skin. I'm older. And i'm lovin' it."

Wow, was that only a year ago? Reading back my entry, I recall being in a such a happy place at that time. Makes me smile. I still praise the Lord for giving me another year but I can say I have since relocated from that Happy Place.

I don't know where I am. Everyday is a blur and if I can get by with a smile on my face, that's good enough for me now.

Thank you for all your birthday wishes - I had plenty of reasons to smile yesterday. Maybe next year, I'll have a better birthday entry and if not...Well, it'll still be an interesting read. Watch this space.

The Greatest Love Story Ever

He saw her cycling to school one day. “She’s our new English teacher,” informed his younger brother. One glance was all it took and his heart was set forever. Never mind that she had no idea he existed. Never mind that she already had a steady boyfriend of three years. Never mind that she seemed way out of his league.

And so began his pursue. He would write her letters. And eventually even mustered up the courage to say hello to her personally, sweaty palms and all. She was friendly but nothing more. He made the gallant move of finding her home and introducing himself to her stern father, stating his sincere interest in his eldest daughter (after all, that was what they did in their day). She entertained his courting moves but she remained unmoved. He was a charming young man but surely not her type.

But he never gave up.

It was a whirlwind romance you might say because five months later, he proposed. There was much objection but no obstacle would prove to be a challenge for a couple in love. Her father agreed on an engagement but she was to return to the Philippines, their homeland, thereafter. A wedding would take place only much later. He would not have it, this young man of 22, for he knew it was a ploy to bring her as far away as possible from him. He would marry her right there and then – and nothing would stop him. “You’re crazy! He’s not suitable for you!” cried her friends. But she knew she had found the man she would spend the rest of her life with. It was beyond comprehension for her friends and family but made all the sense in the world to her.

On May 6th, 1967, my parents tied the knot in a small church in Papar.

My father has always told me that when a man has his heart set on something he really desires, nothing will stop him from achieving it. “I didn’t have a penny to my name and to be honest, I had no idea what kind of future was in store. But none of that mattered because I had the woman I loved right by my side and together, we braved it all,” he said.

And then he would always say to me, “Melissa, marry a man who will stop at nothing to be with you. Love makes no excuses, doesn’t bargain nor does it make you feel worth less than you really are. If a man truly loves you, there is no such thing as an obstacle.”

He and my mother are a testament of that for 41 years.

Happy anniversary, Mum and Dad. In a world where hearts are broken everyday, I only have to listen to the two of you bickering about the remote control and know there's hope for me yet, haha!

Sabah Fest fever!

This is what's occupying so much of time these days. Quick details for those not in the know:

WHERE: Magellan Grand Ballroom

WHEN: 3rd & 4th May 2008, Sat and Sun

TIME: 7:00pm

TICKETS : RM 30.00 per night

WHAT: Sabah Fest is an annual cultural extravaganza organised by Sabah Tourism Board and its wholly owned subsidiary Sri Pelancongan Sabah (that's us!) . Entering its 20th year, this is the best time to see an assemblage of Sabah's colourful ethnic groups who will proudly display their culture through song, dance, food, costumes and handicraft.

The 8:00pm concert is a one-hour cultural performance, showing rarely-seen traditional performances including the Igal Tabawan of the East Coast district of Semporna (really cool dance with long metallic fingernails!), the feet-stomping Dansa of the Cocos people and, my favourite, a performance by some 30 children from SK Pangkulian Tambunan called 'Pangkulian'. A Murut-inspired dance, it shows off the many talents of these students who came all the way from Tambunan to entertain you! The highlight this year is the showcase of a mixed-wedding ceremony between a Murut groom and Bajau bride. Of course, there will also be the Magunatip (the bamboo dance of the Murut people), the Sumazau Penampang and Papar, Mongigol Dusun Tindal by the Kota Belud group and many more. GET YOUR TICKETS NOW! You can purchase them at Sri Pelancongan in Sinsuran or at Sabah Tourism Board over at Gaya Street. But if you really can't decide now...try your luck at the ballroom ticket counter on either night. Just RM30.00 for a cultural show at its grandest scale held only once a year - I promise you it will be worth every penny!

In the foyer of Magellan's grand ballroom, there will be an ongoing exhibition on handicraft, traditional spa treatments, food, beverage and many other interesting stalls. You can also don a traditional costume and have your photo taken! This will be going on from 10am to 10pm on both days and entrance is FREE.


Oh and on the 5th and 6th of May, the festivities continue at Sabah Museum's Heritage Village. The respective ethnic groups will play host to selected houses, displaying rituals seldom seen such as the Mamahui house-cleansing ritual (Dusun tindal house) and the Bajau Penansang ritual which is performed to heal a sick person. Outside, check out the various fun contests for all to try including bamboo stilt-walking, blowpipe and slingshot competitions. There will also be a cultural show at the main stage at 11:00am and 3:00pm. Entrance fee only RM10.00! The event will take place from 10:00am to 5:00pm on both days so don't miss it :)

So come support our efforts to promote Sabah's melting pot of cultures. I'm off to rehearsals. See you there!

Zombie mode.

I'm not a bad person, really.

I like to play by the rules, most of the time. I eat three square meals a day and I feel guilty running red lights on the road. I've been a dutiful daughter and been as accomodating a girlfriend I can be. I am patient - to a fault. And these days I even floss after meals.

But somehow, I feel there is something infinitely unlikeable about me. Unlovable. Unworthy. Call it self-esteem issues but no matter what colour you paint it, it's there.

Life isn't at its smoothest right now. I'm surrounded by people everyday but I've never felt more lonely. Switching to zombie mode.

Day Four.

Still no Happy. Still not happy.

I dunno what else to do.

I just hope he's ok and not hurt and cold and hungry.

....

Ok now I'm REALLY depressed.

Not Happy.

My cat, Happy, was sent to the vet yesterday because of a swollen paw. Turned out to be an infection and they had to drain some fluid from his leg. In that light, he had to be admitted overnight.

Couple of hours ago, the vet calls me and I expect the worst (its never good if a vet calls you in the office). But I did NOT expect his nurse to tell me:

"Your cat is missing."

*pause* Ok, wait a minute. How does a sick cat go missing in a veterinarian's clinic? They said Happy managed to 'open' his cage and escape. OH WOW MY CAT IS A GENIUS! And now they cannot find my cat. And the bloody nurse has the cheek to tell me, "They usually come back at night so we'll wait till night time to look for the cat." WTF.

Me: I'm going to pick up my cat this afternoon. I don't care how you do it but my cat had better be there when I get to your clinic.

It's like the hospital telling a patient's relative, "We misplaced the patient. But we'll look for him later today." I freakin' entrusted my cat's well-being in your hands and you LOSE my cat? And what are they going to do if they can't find my cat? Reimburse me with RM150? Fcuk no.

I'm still at work and i'm finishing up whatever I need to before lunch. And then I'm going to the vet. And Happy better be there looking happy as ever. If not, heads will roll.

FYI: I sent my cat to the Sabah Animal Medical Centre in Foh Sang. Dr. Rassit has been the family vet for years. Not anymore. And i suggest you guys don't send your pets there neither. The nurses don't give a rat's ass about the pets.

Spring cleaning.

I had a life-changing weekend. Long story short, I went on a retreat and I feel much better. I'm going to spare my readers the spiritual experience because :-

a) not everyone will get it
b) I don't really need to hear negative and cynical feedback
c) I don't want to be accused of shoving my faith down other people's throats.

Those of you who do understand me, thank you. It's nice to know I have people i can share it with without fear of being judged. And I want to make a special shout out to Pu, for without whom I wouldn't have experienced what I did. You are heaven-sent!

****

I am 'spring cleaning' my life. I have unnecessary junk weighing me down, useless souvenirs I'm holding on to that only remind me of the unhappy past. Toxic waste poisoning my system that I need to flush out, bit by bit. Toys I don't play with anymore. Trophies that were once symbols of victory serve only to remind me of glory days that were temporary. Empty boxes that once held precious gifts.

I need to hold on to things that bring me comfort, joy and security - not for a month or a year. But for all my life. I found that over the weekend.

The Papaya Theory

My Papaya got married recently.

But before that, let me explain the Papaya Theory of Relationships. At some point, everyone has a Papaya in their lives. Someone you've secretly pined for, the one in your heart of hearts. That one person who still makes you smile when you think of him or her after 10 years and you go, "Sigh, if only." That somewhere along the path of fate, you were ALMOST meant to be...but not quite.

And you know it's not going to happen. And even with that fact, its ok because life goes on as it should. And then one day *BAM* you find out he's seeing someone else. Or worse, he's getting married. Which means it won't be as fun imagining the 'What Ifs' and 'If Onlys' when it comes to him. Thus, he is now the Papaya.

See, it's like this: Say you don't really like to eat papayas. You don't hate them but if it's there, you're not necessarily gonna eat it neither. Ambivalence. In fact, you don't even THINK of papayas. Kinda like...taking them for granted. And the one fine day, the doctor tells you: I'm afraid you can't eat papayas for the rest of your life due to some super-weird medical condition.

And that's the moment you think, "But I WANT my papaya. I want to eat papayas!" And it drives you absolutely nuts. It didn't matter before - but now that it's off limits, it's all you can crave for. You know you'll live without having another bite of papaya (you've always been a mango person anyway) but...still.

Yeah, maybe it's a selfish theory but it's definitely applicable. I haven't spoken to my Papaya in years and I had a crush on him since I was 12! That's all it was, a childhood crush. But even after a string of relationships - He's still my Papaya. And now that he's on someone else's plate (and I do wish them all the best), it leaves me a little...Papaya-less.

Who's your Papaya?

He's The One

He's the one

by fridaycat13.

He's the one

Who makes me smile

Forget my troubles for a while

The one who fills my head at night

My ups, my downs, my wrong, my right

He's the one

To set me straight

The one I love, the one I hate

In my heart I know he's true

In my head I wish i knew

He's the one

I didn't see

The one who didn't plan to be

My all with him I'll give, not take

My heart he owns.

My heart he'll break.

I wrote this during one of our long-winded, pointless meetings. Hey, at least I looked like I was writing notes.

Nothin' left.

I'm not a big fan of hers but this song has been stuck in my head the last few days. Don't you have days where you feel you're completely drained? I dedicate this song to moments when I feel there's nothing left to give.

I Got Nothin' Left
Celine Dion

Anybody ever tell you that you're not whole
A hollow shell of man without a soul
Never ever felt your warmth cause you're always cold
Only thing that makes sense is letting go

Anybody ever tell you that you've got nerve
Treatin' my love like just another word
Tired of giving love to you that you don't deserve
So this is one way of saying it's over

Cause I got nothing left
I got nothing left
I got nothing left
I gave you my best
And you treated it worth less
So I got nothing left

Anybody ever tell you that you're gonna learn
Trust and respect are two things you must earn
When it came to lovin' me you just weren't concerned
You never gave a damn so I guess now it's my turn

Cause I got nothing left
I got nothing left
I got nothing left
I gave you my best
And you treated it worth less
So I got nothing left

So done with you
Maybe we're through
So done with you
Cause I got nothing left
I got nothing left
I got nothing left
I got nothing left
I got nothing left
I gave you my best
And you treated it worth less
So I got nothing left
So done with you

So done with you

Week of Sorts

I have this look on my face lately so before you come up to me and ask "what's wrong?", let me save you the trouble and just say it's been a week of sorts.

First of all, my allergies have been keeping me awake most nights. The swollen eyes and red nose look doesn't really suit me well. I spent Thursday snoozing away till 6:00pm, waking up only to eat a cupcake for lunch and going back to bed till dinner time. And by 10:00pm, I was ready to hit the sack again. Hibernation anyone? I went to church on Good Friday and Easter Sunday like the good girl I aspire to be. I say 'aspire' because I went drinking after mass.Ah well, the thought that counts.

In other aspects of my existence, work is keeping me busy enough to forget about my allergies for most of the day. We're busy organising the Sabah Fest and if I have to write another letter that begins with "Tuan...Dengan segala hormatnya perkara diatas dirujuk", I will poke my eye with a fork. And every week, it's been meeting after meeting after meeting followed by trips to Tambunan and Ranau to meet with villagers and dancers who will be performing for the Sabah Fest. And when I get back, there are reports to do and more meetings to organise. I mean, seriously, sitting around in a conference room 'discussing' for three hours is hardly productive if you ask me. The show is just about a month away. Hustle people!

And on a personal note...I'm just emotionally tired. Too much unnecessary drama - some of it not even mine. But it's not all bad. On one hand, you have the Happies: The people getting married, having babies and moving on to good things in their lives. And then you have the Unhappies: people breaking up, stories of unrequited love and opening old wounds. Don't you hate it when the buried past doesn't stay unburied? Put all these dramas into a blender and you've got yourself a tall glass of Teh O Ais Emo.

Well-meaning people have told me not to think so much. It's not like I wake up each morning and go, "Hmm, what shall I burden my thoughts with today?" Pardon me if I cannot find the joy in the sound of the first bloody bluebird on a lovely spring day right now. I find more comfort in popping my antihistamines and curling up in bed while the rain pounds on my roof.
Life is good, even if in small doses.

Impossible Love

Sellie showed me this artwork yesterday and I've been mesmerised since. I dunno why but I absolutely love it. It's called 'Impossible Love', by Selina Fenech.

Must-see Mist

Every now and then, a movie comes along unexpectedly and blows your mind away. Stephen King's 'The Mist' is actually a 2007 production but, as in most cases, it's hitting our screens only now. So sad. I went to watch The Mist with little -if no- expectations. In fact, I was prepared for a B-grade flick which would amuse me for the next 2 hours or so.

Long story short without giving away the movie, yes the movie has creepy crawlies and "oh crap it's coming after me!" moments but the scariest element of the movie is the characters themselves. At first glance, the movie promises a scare-fest but what will blow you away are the layers of issues the story presents. You realise how fragile and complex the human spirit is and at the end of the day...We're just a bunch of animals who've learned to use to the computer and drive a car.

And the ending? Well, it's something you'll have to experience for yourself.

Sleep won't come.

It's become chronic. This sleep deprivation/insomnia of mine. I'm not even sure if you can call it insomnia. See, I fall asleep relatively easy but throughout the night, it's as if I'm 'awake'. I can FEEL myself sleeping, if that makes any sense. My brain is actively telling me, "Ok you're sleeping. Sleeeeping, sleeeeeeping..."

And it's driving me crazy.

I wake up feeling as if I never went to sleep and yet, I operate alright throughout the day. It has become so constant that I dread my nights. As the sun goes down, I worry about the same thing, "Am I going to sleep tonight?" I do get tired come evening, and I can fall asleep as my head hits the pillow. But within an hour or two, I'm awake again and telling myself I need to sleep.

I've tried every remedy there is in the book. From lavender oil to drinking myself drunk (haha it works but the hangover isn't worth it). Last month, I started popping sleeping pills and true enough, they didn't just help me sleep - They knocked the wind out of me. But after two weeks of the happy pills, the effectiveness started to wear off so I stopped taking them. Plus, I noticed an unpleasant side effect which resulted in me feeling drowsy during the day. Just can't seem to win.

So what do I do? I'm not sleeping and haven't been for two months now. If anyone has anymore suggestions, I'd really appreciate it. I miss my sleep.

You don't send me flowers anymore.

I thought of Valentine's day and that song just popped into my head. First of all, I still believe flowers are ridiculously overpriced on Valentine's Day and I would much rather have my date spend that kind of money on something else. At least Manolo Blahniks won't wilt after two days.

So this year, I actually HAVE a date. And as adamant as I am not to give into the hoopla of Valentine's Day, Date Man made a good point saying we didn't get to spend the last one together (thanks to the giant sea that parted us) and although we both agree it's senseless to spend insane amounts of money on one night of commercialism, it would be nice to mark it meaningfully. So we're gonna stand outside expensive restaurants and laugh at all the suckers.

Kidding.

We're actually going to have a nice, quiet dinner somewhere inexpensive yet meaningful (no, not McDonalds ok) and then...spend time together I guess. Which is what V-day is all about. Remembering your loved ones and appreciating them. And I'm not just talking about your boyfriends and girlfriends. Friends and family deserve to be reminded of how 'sayang-ed' they are as well. Last year, I cooked dinner for my parents and brother and we turned to have one of the most memorable V-days.

I have to be honest - I'm stumped when it comes to Valentine gift ideas. Everything else sounds unoriginal: jewelry, a nice shirt, techno gadgets etc. My brother said it would be more meaningful to 'make' something. Yeah I can see it now, "Here you go honey. A sock puppet, complete with sequins." I managed to buy a V-day card though, which was a gagging experience. After going through ten greeting cards, I was ready to poke my eye if I read another line that had the words, 'forever', 'true love' or 'the one for me' in it. I found one that suited my taste - and his lah of course - that didn't promise the moon, stars and all that crapola. Why can't cards just read, "You're fun. I dunno if i'll marry you but going to the movies with you this weekend sounds great."

Pardon the cynicism. This from the girl who admittedly cried watching The Notebook, hah. In the spirit of St. Valentine, may the love be with you on this Hallmark-y day. It's not about how many roses or carats you receive...

... it's making sure the BMW he bought you matches your dress.

Har har. Just have a good one and I cannot stress this enough: Roses should not cost more than a KFC Bucket Meal.

Year of the Drat

This is getting ridiculous. I spent Christmas with a fever and the flu, which turned into a hacking cough come New Year. Last week, I suddenly had tonsilitis and today...

I woke up and sprained my neck.

Yes, you read that right. All I did was raise my head from my pillow to check the clock on the wall when I heard a loud and sickening 'crack'. I paused. I could still turn my head left. But when I tried to turn right...Holy mother of pain... Anyway, I freaked out because I couldn't turn my head down or up neither. AND I couldn't get out of bed because somehow whenever I move my left arm, the muscle in my shoulder would cramp up (I don't know the technicalities of the human body so don't ask why). So I wailed like a baby, calling for my mom. I managed to 'roll' out of bed and once I stopped freaking out, I realised it wasn't painful if I stopped moving my head so much.

Long story short, I am now on painkillers, muscle relaxants and migraine pills - somehow the muscle pull triggered migraine attacks, go figure. The migraines are gone (which is why I'm in front of the computer) but I still can't swivel my head around. On a positive note, I have fantastic posture right now as a result of sitting up straight all day because slouching hurts my neck even more.

So if you see me on the street for the next few days, please don't try to be funny and go, "LOOK OUT BEHIND YOU!" Because I will eventually get better and hunt you down.

What is it with me these days? I'm having a string of bad luck when it comes to my health. Even when I'm lying in bed I can find a way to injure myself. In retrospective, it IS kinda funny. I just hope the Year of the Rat doesn't have anymore mishaps in store for me.

Ok pill-popping time.